well this jhust figures tues 9.21 2011

well here i am. itws about 11 p.m. sis and bro in law msleeping. son called me a t 5 a.m. and of course he is sick . he had to go to the ER, of course his mouth is of corse swollen AGAIN. HE HAD To go to the ER. again. he called me at 5 a.m. im out here, and he is there. so my good old sis went up and drove him and droped him off. they took LOTS of xrays and blood work and a cat scan and an mri. so it had to be very bad. its just so fucked up now he is there by his self, and im here. ya know i knew that little bit of good fortune was going to cost in some way. this is why i think the way i do. wene amything good happens to me am i happy? no of course not cause guess what what ever happens after that is going to9 be bad. i dont trust anything any moore including my sanity. i have no body to talk to about any of this. cant talk to sis ccause i dont want her to get worried and turn into nurse ratchet agqain. i tried to talk to boyfreind. dont know why he wouldnt just do what he did . the blaim game and its all on me or ya know. i know i was a bad mother. but i treid.  i did everything for them . i was so deathly afraid of my folks that i would run away all the time. once went all the way to california hichhicked w/ my freind she was 15, i was 13. we hitched out there. stayed for 3 months. my folks didnt even know ni left the state. that was in about 73, everyone hich hicked every were. so any way i never wanted my kids to be afraid of me. and guess what they wernt. i was trying to be there friend, also big mistake. i feel so heavy in my heart. i feel like i cant do anything right. need to get to my therapist. gatta take a break be back soon...ok, im back. had t take my xanex. im so gald i can get on here and not be judged. i cant take much moore of boyfreinds snotty little comments. nothing is ever good enough for him. he is just like his mom. one of these days he is gonna catch me in a bad way and im going to tell him all the things i allways wanted to tell him but i am allways afraid because he has high blood pressure mand strokes run in his family. both mom and dad had them. but wene iws it my time to be sad and to be able to talk.. imean shit im all broke up and i think im taking it rather well. i am so afraid that im not healing right. ive never had an injury this bad were you have to train your leg to be strait and right. im realy worried about something called drop foot. this is way harder than the hip surgery. its up to me to get better. oh no. well see the surgon on friday so hopefully i havnt screwed it up too bad. i realy dont want a limp, esspecially liveing on the third floor. oh well worryy worry worry my butt has gotten bigger. but cant do anything about that till i can put weight on the leg. im so screwed. even wene i feel like im not anxiaus, but i realy am and i dont just see it i guess. thats how bad it is. i  dont even know wene im having anxiaty. ok, nefew will be back in room on a few so i will have to go . he is going home tommorow so maybe ill be able to get on moore  often again. ok, lord please take care of my kids, i will give up anything if you could just let my kids be ok and healthy and happy. and dont let them inharite my traits, i know youngest son allready have mental problums. he wont admit and he self medicates w/ liqour. just like me at his age  please lord look over them and touch there hearts not the right way to pray but i think its good. in jesus name amen. will try to get on tommorow....ok untill then...........