Well of Pain
I am still very angry and unsure why.
Yes, I am partially mad at myself. I am mad that I have not moved on with my life in any way shape or form since Feb. I have not changed careers to do something that I love more, I have not moved, I have not published anything in a great while, or written much of this experience or of anything at all. I have not lost weight. I have not been working out. I am still being mean to myself, and incredibly condescending and rude to myself, and all that is doing is beating me up more, and lowering myself confidence.
Since a very young age, I have struggled with self-destructive tendencies. It comes from not loving myself enough to think that I am worthy of any self-work, self-love, self-esteem or self-knowledge. I finally was turning the tides on that when my ex came back into the picture.
I seem to have lost a lot of self-respect by going back to him. I miss him, the good him, the illusion such that it may be. I can emotionally feel him tugging at me at times, feel him around me. I was meditating today and letting my mind drift, trying to uncover the root of this anger so that I can let it go... When I went to him, and held him on his back porch, wrapping him in my arms and telling him goodbye. I think it was my own way of letting him go...
Afterwards, I went to the river, a place him and I shared some of our closest moments ever, and let go. I let thee sand slide between me fingers and let the past slip away from me. I recommitted myself to only focus on my healing.
It is the only things that matters.
Driving home, I was overcome with anger again. I tried to release it, but the more I released the more that rose up to take it's place.
I feel anger about a lot of things. Things that have happened in the past, being raped, not once but multiple times by different people, my own missed opportunities and chances, my parent's divorce, my mom's behavior both past and present (and the very real suspicion that I have that she was cheating on my dad), by dad's narcissistic plague of a personality that set me up for all of this shit... and on and on...
Wow, just re-reading this now, I can see that I am really stuck in victimhood. That I have given myself any chance for personal responsibility, the gift of seeing that I am an adult capable of making my own choices, not a little girl anymore.
My ex once compared my angry outbursts to that of a 17 year-old girl. I think he may have been right about that one. That was almost the exact age I first was raped (that I recall), and that is when I was truly abandoned by my parents. The anger from that time in my life is what saved me. It forced me to pick myself up and to survive. I cannot understate the importance of that time in my life to the formation of the person who I am today.
However, that anger made me act incongruent to myself. I lost my way because I was trying just to eat. I would suffer horrible nightmares and panic attacks. I had no one to turn to to help figure out the basics of life, no one to ask for advice that was safe, no one to guide me. My job 24/7 was to make sure I had a roof over my head, food on my plate, friends I could rely on should things turn shitty (this usually also meant a boyfriend who I could sleep with if I ever lost my place to stay). Somewhere in there was thrown education.
It was incredibly important to me to get my degree, to graduate. I promised my grandfather, my one good parent, that I would go to school and so I did, He was dead by the time I graduated, but he was with me every step of the way.
I wanted to become a doctor, but it was hard enough to even graduate. I was running my own business by then, and kicking ass... Closing in on making six-figures a year, and my degree seemed like a wall decoration, granted my favorite one in the house, but a decoration still. Most people in my life don't even know what my degree is in. What is of utmost importance to them is that I have one... Crazy, huh? You spend hours and hours of your life working towards a degree in a field that you love and it all becomes irrelevant the moment afterwards... People just want to know you were able to commit to something.
I have to change everything... Again. To give myself the life I deserve, one that is congruent to who I am. This is hard to do when I am sooo angry inside!!!
Yes, I am partially mad at myself. I am mad that I have not moved on with my life in any way shape or form since Feb. I have not changed careers to do something that I love more, I have not moved, I have not published anything in a great while, or written much of this experience or of anything at all. I have not lost weight. I have not been working out. I am still being mean to myself, and incredibly condescending and rude to myself, and all that is doing is beating me up more, and lowering myself confidence.
Since a very young age, I have struggled with self-destructive tendencies. It comes from not loving myself enough to think that I am worthy of any self-work, self-love, self-esteem or self-knowledge. I finally was turning the tides on that when my ex came back into the picture.
I seem to have lost a lot of self-respect by going back to him. I miss him, the good him, the illusion such that it may be. I can emotionally feel him tugging at me at times, feel him around me. I was meditating today and letting my mind drift, trying to uncover the root of this anger so that I can let it go... When I went to him, and held him on his back porch, wrapping him in my arms and telling him goodbye. I think it was my own way of letting him go...
Afterwards, I went to the river, a place him and I shared some of our closest moments ever, and let go. I let thee sand slide between me fingers and let the past slip away from me. I recommitted myself to only focus on my healing.
It is the only things that matters.
Driving home, I was overcome with anger again. I tried to release it, but the more I released the more that rose up to take it's place.
I feel anger about a lot of things. Things that have happened in the past, being raped, not once but multiple times by different people, my own missed opportunities and chances, my parent's divorce, my mom's behavior both past and present (and the very real suspicion that I have that she was cheating on my dad), by dad's narcissistic plague of a personality that set me up for all of this shit... and on and on...
Wow, just re-reading this now, I can see that I am really stuck in victimhood. That I have given myself any chance for personal responsibility, the gift of seeing that I am an adult capable of making my own choices, not a little girl anymore.
My ex once compared my angry outbursts to that of a 17 year-old girl. I think he may have been right about that one. That was almost the exact age I first was raped (that I recall), and that is when I was truly abandoned by my parents. The anger from that time in my life is what saved me. It forced me to pick myself up and to survive. I cannot understate the importance of that time in my life to the formation of the person who I am today.
However, that anger made me act incongruent to myself. I lost my way because I was trying just to eat. I would suffer horrible nightmares and panic attacks. I had no one to turn to to help figure out the basics of life, no one to ask for advice that was safe, no one to guide me. My job 24/7 was to make sure I had a roof over my head, food on my plate, friends I could rely on should things turn shitty (this usually also meant a boyfriend who I could sleep with if I ever lost my place to stay). Somewhere in there was thrown education.
It was incredibly important to me to get my degree, to graduate. I promised my grandfather, my one good parent, that I would go to school and so I did, He was dead by the time I graduated, but he was with me every step of the way.
I wanted to become a doctor, but it was hard enough to even graduate. I was running my own business by then, and kicking ass... Closing in on making six-figures a year, and my degree seemed like a wall decoration, granted my favorite one in the house, but a decoration still. Most people in my life don't even know what my degree is in. What is of utmost importance to them is that I have one... Crazy, huh? You spend hours and hours of your life working towards a degree in a field that you love and it all becomes irrelevant the moment afterwards... People just want to know you were able to commit to something.
I have to change everything... Again. To give myself the life I deserve, one that is congruent to who I am. This is hard to do when I am sooo angry inside!!!
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