Well another sad entry
rambling, sad, anxious and more....
I want to express my feeling some place safe again. My cousin 47 years old died on June 30th, 2015. He was sick and his body could not take anymore. All of this I "think" I understand, however I miss him and I want him here with us, me. I feel like sisters, brothers, cousins are not suppose to die at this young age, we are my generation, we are suppose to do the burying not be get buried. I'm 40, I'm only 7 years younger than him. WTF, is happening? I feel like I'm losing more family than I have and I am not handling this too well. This family has had more death than one can think about... since 2010, every year so far. And although my mother passed away, this cousin thing is hitting me too hard.. I am not sure why?!? I think it is too close to my circle or is it the total sum of events. I wish my Mother was here to talk to about all of this. She would explain things to me, like a baby.
Life is good and death is....
taking it's toll on my mind
taking my family members one year at time
constantly on my mind
scary
unknown.
I signed up of a therapist TODAY! I am sooo glad that he could see me today, the same day that I made the appointment. I want to be on drugs, I want to numb this feeling of grief and anxiety, sadness and depression. I want to smile for real and have something really to smile about. I am tired of being sad and depressed and crying over my loved ones. My smiles are lies, I am twofaced to myself and others. I want to scream and shout and hit and fight and run and lift a car. I'm MAD THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!! I feel like these "events" are personal attacks only on me( I know). I need Jesus. I need something positive to happen. I need to fake it until it becomes real.
I'm going on vacay and I don't feel like it. I just want to lay in my bed, but I need to get up and live! Did I do enough with my life? Am I wasting my minutes on foolishness? did I use all of my talents? Am I happy? Just a mess.
I need a mate. I need a hug. I am very lonely!
Good night... I need to be back tmmw.
I want to express my feeling some place safe again. My cousin 47 years old died on June 30th, 2015. He was sick and his body could not take anymore. All of this I "think" I understand, however I miss him and I want him here with us, me. I feel like sisters, brothers, cousins are not suppose to die at this young age, we are my generation, we are suppose to do the burying not be get buried. I'm 40, I'm only 7 years younger than him. WTF, is happening? I feel like I'm losing more family than I have and I am not handling this too well. This family has had more death than one can think about... since 2010, every year so far. And although my mother passed away, this cousin thing is hitting me too hard.. I am not sure why?!? I think it is too close to my circle or is it the total sum of events. I wish my Mother was here to talk to about all of this. She would explain things to me, like a baby.
Life is good and death is....
taking it's toll on my mind
taking my family members one year at time
constantly on my mind
scary
unknown.
I signed up of a therapist TODAY! I am sooo glad that he could see me today, the same day that I made the appointment. I want to be on drugs, I want to numb this feeling of grief and anxiety, sadness and depression. I want to smile for real and have something really to smile about. I am tired of being sad and depressed and crying over my loved ones. My smiles are lies, I am twofaced to myself and others. I want to scream and shout and hit and fight and run and lift a car. I'm MAD THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!! I feel like these "events" are personal attacks only on me( I know). I need Jesus. I need something positive to happen. I need to fake it until it becomes real.
I'm going on vacay and I don't feel like it. I just want to lay in my bed, but I need to get up and live! Did I do enough with my life? Am I wasting my minutes on foolishness? did I use all of my talents? Am I happy? Just a mess.
I need a mate. I need a hug. I am very lonely!
Good night... I need to be back tmmw.
Replies
Hi Newark,
Thanks for the hug, count this as one back at cha!!! I read this and just the last post you wrote and I know exactly how you feel about wanting to have just even 5 mins with your Mom. I have lost dear friends and loved ones, including her in the last 3 years and never really ever talked about how to handle grief with her and I know that she would have the perfect right thing to tell me how to deal with what I\'m feeling. But then I thought about it and....\"I AM HER\" ! I am so much like my Mom it almost weird, so I thought about what I would tell someone else if it were me. I came up with this...
Find just one thing at first that gives you joy to do. It doesn\'t have to be your kids or work or anything expensive but just something you enjoy doing. For me it was going out and looking up at the night sky and watching for shooting stars and moving Satellites. I also like to do the occasional jigsaw puzzle too. But what really gave me joy and grounded me was to volunteer at my local Food Bank for a few hours every week. It got me out of the house and I got to met new people too that were in the same boat as me. Met a nice man that we shared time as friends only and he\'d bring food, I\'d cook then we\'d eat and we\'d share the clean up and it works great to save on my food bill, I don\'t eat alone, I eat healthier/better...so does he and I can always give him a call and say, \"hey, wanna go to ???\" and he was usually up for it. Unfortunately, he was the one that was killed in the car wreak the end of April that sent my world into a tailspin. He death stirred up a lot of other emotions and grief that I\'d tried to set aside and tried not to be too emotional about. But I am outspoken about how I feel about shit so I am staying busy with my real love of making quilts and sewing. I love to create and that beyond all else gives me joy and a sence of accomplishment and a feeling that I\'m not just sitting and spinning my wheels.
I know it\'s gotta be fucking hard without a job...I\'m a little in that same position at 57 yrs old and disabled but still needing to earn more than what disability pays me. I do have the ways but I\'m in a new area and no one knows me and I have no real friends here either so for me to work doing sewing work for people is difficult since I have to prove to people I do know what I do is good.
I don\'t know if that helped or just made things worse but or hug to me at least did what I hope this does for you....Lets you know you are NOT a lone in what you feel!! There\'s days I just want to scream, WHY? and I do...as loud as I fucking can. And I cry, get mad and I look at my Mom\'s picture or my Dog\'s tin with her ashes and I cry until my throat hurts and I realize, it\'s all a process that I have to work through and to hell with people that tell me that I should just toughen up and be strong.
Your most recent post reads exactly like what I felt like 2 years ago so know that you are NOT alone, scream if you want to and get mad if you want to and don\'t have anyone try to rush what you are feeling.
What has helped me was I really took a look at what was important as far as priorities and didn\'t try to take on the whole world at once. I did just one thing...in your case, maybe work on getting out of your house... may it be a job, volunteer someplace. Sometimes others that volunteer know of jobs around or are willing to hire people if they know you\'re able & in need of work. Hey, then you never know, you may meet a nice guy friend, find a car. If you want something positive to happen in your life, go make it happen, make your own luck, grow your own garden.
You may have the occasional fucked up day, we all do, but try not to let those get you down. Find something...just one thing that gives you joy and think about it or do it daily if you can. ((((HUGS))))