Weird vibe..won’t go there
i go and see my therapist shortly, I am really looking forward to it.
I have some things I want to talk about... aspirations and hopes.
I also feel as though I am kind of aware at how extreme and 'blind' my
reactions can be. I have had this blank space in my mind since I was a child, since ever,
and I have had to learn to keep it 'in check.' So 'weird vibes' today when I was
visited by this dark and unconscious nature but I caught it, I just feel like apologizing
to my boss. I was just working along and had seen my boss and we had talked a bit
about the work of today - and for some reason later on - I had a paranoid 'fantasy' (not fantasy
in the positive sense) about her and I found myself getting angry with her - for no reason at all.
I tried to keep it in check when she was around later.
She's a lovely lady - and so good to me - so I hope she didn't pick up on that. I want to talk
about this 'weird vibe' with my therapist today... 'I don't want to go there' in general senses of it.
I found myself having paranoia too (social anxiety plus negative prediction!) when I went to the bakery just now for coffee - and I thought just to 'hold
on' and if not a perfect sense of well being about it - I could just 'be the easy going person I hope to be.."
I may not be a natural at it - but I can see myself in the group and know who I want to be amongst all the people going about their work and lives today. It makes me think about my aspirations (in the contrast and the disconnect between what I hope to do and how I manifest it - much like I did with the bakery social situation) - and the thought of
how I seek a homeostasis - but if I am going to set my own goals I have to ruffle feathers a bit - even if it is but my own feathers.. Anyways, can't wait to chat in a little while.
I hope you guys are having a good day! Peace, good vibes, namaste!!
Replies
Big hug Marky..... It's great that you look forward to seeing your therapist sweetie.... I hope that you have a good session.....
It's really good that you have such good insight into some of the thoughts and feelings that you're having.... It's also so nice that you have a good boss.... That means a lot.... xo
thanks Jan!! xx
Hang in their Mark.
Thanks
"A blank spot" is one of the ways I might have described my blocked memories and emotions before I started taking my amnesia therapy seriously. Nowadays I think of that spot as, "My Inner Guantanamo Bay." It is where I attempted to imprison all the "inappropriate" pieces of my childhood along with all the later manifestations of that unruly population between my ears. I've come a long ol' way toward emptying that atrocity and reassimilating it's population. These days I question whether I can achieve homeostasis without acknowledging their presence in my psyche and life. My asshole components might not be appropriate to flaunt in public, but that daily bowel movement is essential to sustainable homeostasis.
But that is me. . .
Continued support while you sort your own, Mark.
I can relate to the social anxiety. I used to have it REALLY bad, now I still have it, but I've gotten much more control over it. I still get anxious when I'm invited to parties, or gatherings where there are people I do not know so I rarely go to such things. Work has helped me overcome a lot of it though.
So glad you like seeing your therapist. I have been in therapy for years,(only go a couple times a year now) and it helps me tremendously. I learned a lot about myself and how to deal with my emotions and people.
Have a good day Mark.
I have social anxiety. I can goto a non crowded bar or places...and talk to one person.. (the bartender). If there are more people, I don't go.
thanks guys! :-) Happy Weekend!! woot!
Happy Weekend Mark