weird evening triggered me.!
So my first journal post. I feel the need to write this down, not sure why. I feel so odd today. I thought I was doing so well and was feeling much much stronger.
Last night my Hs daughter came round. I love her to bits, she's such a lovely woman. We were sitting chatting and my H kept interrupting when I was talking about my illness on holiday ( I have found out I have Menieres Disease which makes you dizzy and really sick. My H has it too strangely.) He kept bringing everything back to him and his experience, talking over me. I let it go, as it is his daughter and I thought maybe he should be doing most of the talking as he hasn't seen her for so long. ( few months) I always send a quick text to see how they are doing and invite them over for dinner. He's not good at keeping in touch with his children so I arrange things. Thats men I think?!
A few things came up during the evening which really freaked me out, I m not sure why. I thought I was better than this!
His daughter started showing pics of her and her Dad as a baby and toddler. I couldn't look at them. I felt scared and resentful of what I don't know. He was quite good looking when he was younger and had a nice body ( he's overweight now! ) if a bit of a tummy! I looked at the pics a little, or pretended too. But I didn't want to see him. I know at this time of the photos he was cheating on his daughters Mum.
When she had left I started asking him about this time and how things were. His life went a bit like this - met Nicola at work and they used to hook up for sex occasionally, maybe every few months or so. Then he met Jane who he moved in with - still seeing Nicola for sex - he had 2 children with Jane, her first making them get married ( it wasn't planned according to him but she had gone part-time at work so I guess she thought it was the plan!) then they had a son, also not planned. all the time he was still seeing Nicola. He also had issues with his job. He was a policeman. He got sacked which is very rare and serious. He told his boss he had a tip off there was going to be an armed robbery at a postoffice. His boss did nothing about it and the robbery happened and two men were shot. My H went to the papers about this and this resulted in him getting sacked after 15 years! He is very angry about this still. He feels he was in the right ( he usually does!) but he never told me this reason for him stopping being a policeman he told me a couple of other stories. His Dad told me the truth one day! I wasn't happy about it!
Anyway so there he is lost his job and having an affair and his wife throws him out. He told me a year ago this was because she found out about him and Nicola. Last night he said it was because he lost his job and she didn't know about nicola until later (!?) anyway, he gave Nicola a call and said he had no where to go could he come stay? She took him in.
He then went on to say how 'great' he and Nicola were and I asked him what made the relationship so great. He said the sex was great and she was a good companion. I asked him : what makes a good companion. He said - someone who likes sex. So anyway that was silly of me to go there! He then bought a house with Nicola, making her relocate away from her family. They then married two years later and tried for a child. They had a son who was later diagnosed with aspergers. They stopped sleeping together during her pregnancy. He said they never made love again. He said they tried but he couldn't do it ( rise to the occasion!) and never tried again. They went to marriage guidance. He is angry that she said she wouldn't change after having a child and she now put her child before him! He was very angry and still is. So although they knew their relationship was over they stayed together for another 13 years!
During the next 13 years he started an affair with her best friend who also worked with/for him. they had sex once a week/fortnight at her house. FOR EIGHT YEARS!!! The last two or three years of his relationship with Nicola he had affairs and was on dating sites. He eventually started divorce proceedings after Nicola refused to let him remortgage the house for a crazy business venture. ( don't blame her!)
But why am I writing all this.
Because it makes me sick, and it makes me scared and it makes me cry.
I know whats done is done. but it really really worries me how I hate him for his past. I feel if I don't give him sex he will go off and find someone else, like he always has. To be honest when I met him I thought he would be such a hot lover but he wasn't at all!
I asked him why he did all this? Was he proud of how he behaved? He said he didn't know what love was until he met me. ( I took this with a pinch of salt) and now he does he won't throw it away. He wishes he had known before. But how can you not know?! How can you not see the way you are treating someone is wrong?! I don't understand this.
My reaction to it, disturbs me.
He doesn't come across as a cruel person. With me in bed he is very sweet, he holds me tight and strokes my hair. He says sweet loving things and I feel like he means them or do I want to think he feels them? Im not sure. He makes me feel safe in those moments. but he also makes me feel scared at the same time. During the day he is different. Its as if the night before never happened. It confuses me and makes me feel I can't trust him or relax.
Im not sure if my feelings are about him or if they are my fear of abandonment. I am very attracted to him in a strange way. He is charismatic and manly. Although to others not handsome at all! We have chemistry I guess. The sex is better. I bought him some books on love and tantric sex! And he reads them and is doing more in bed for me these days. I don't understand how he was so cold before. He says he loves me but if I ever spend on the credit card and break his trust we are over. This confuses me.
The other thing which scared me was his daughter talking about her Mum ( Jane) and her step-Dad. Now the way she describes step-Dad could be a good description of my H. Thats weird! Jane obviously goes for a type! His Daughter described step-dad as controlling and a bully. He sits on the couch waiting for her to serve him. He won't let her work, has all the control of the finances and takes her around the world with him for 6 months of the year. She sounds unhappy. The children hated him and left as soon as they could. Step Dad was described as being mean and nasty to the children in much the same way as my H is to mine.
I was so shocked. This woman, Jane, has married the same type twice! And the step-Dad sounds so much like my H. I did blurt this out - but my H just ignored me.
Later that night my H made love to me and I just cried and cried. I don't know why.
I felt like I wanted him so much and I was never going to have him. Earlier he had said he didn't know if he would love me forever or not - ! OMG why do you say that I said?! He said because you might break my trust. You might have an affair or spend on the credit. or use my toothbrush to clean the toilet!
I was shocked he could even say he felt we may not last to me. I said but when we were married it say he promised to love me til he dies…so why did you marry me I said?! because I love you he replied.
oh gawd. Why do I feel so uneasy today.
Why am I sitting here writing this? I wanted all the bad horrible thoughts and fears to get out of my head and give me peace. I should be doing something creative I know.
I have no idea how this is going to play out. Day to day everything is ok. Yes he's lazy around the house but he works hard and holds me tight at night. I think I need to work on my expectations of this marriage! I know he isn't honest with me about finances, he keeps it secret. I know he has 70k in debts he didn't tell me about until recently.
I need to go do something nice now.
I needed to splurge this out. x
Last night my Hs daughter came round. I love her to bits, she's such a lovely woman. We were sitting chatting and my H kept interrupting when I was talking about my illness on holiday ( I have found out I have Menieres Disease which makes you dizzy and really sick. My H has it too strangely.) He kept bringing everything back to him and his experience, talking over me. I let it go, as it is his daughter and I thought maybe he should be doing most of the talking as he hasn't seen her for so long. ( few months) I always send a quick text to see how they are doing and invite them over for dinner. He's not good at keeping in touch with his children so I arrange things. Thats men I think?!
A few things came up during the evening which really freaked me out, I m not sure why. I thought I was better than this!
His daughter started showing pics of her and her Dad as a baby and toddler. I couldn't look at them. I felt scared and resentful of what I don't know. He was quite good looking when he was younger and had a nice body ( he's overweight now! ) if a bit of a tummy! I looked at the pics a little, or pretended too. But I didn't want to see him. I know at this time of the photos he was cheating on his daughters Mum.
When she had left I started asking him about this time and how things were. His life went a bit like this - met Nicola at work and they used to hook up for sex occasionally, maybe every few months or so. Then he met Jane who he moved in with - still seeing Nicola for sex - he had 2 children with Jane, her first making them get married ( it wasn't planned according to him but she had gone part-time at work so I guess she thought it was the plan!) then they had a son, also not planned. all the time he was still seeing Nicola. He also had issues with his job. He was a policeman. He got sacked which is very rare and serious. He told his boss he had a tip off there was going to be an armed robbery at a postoffice. His boss did nothing about it and the robbery happened and two men were shot. My H went to the papers about this and this resulted in him getting sacked after 15 years! He is very angry about this still. He feels he was in the right ( he usually does!) but he never told me this reason for him stopping being a policeman he told me a couple of other stories. His Dad told me the truth one day! I wasn't happy about it!
Anyway so there he is lost his job and having an affair and his wife throws him out. He told me a year ago this was because she found out about him and Nicola. Last night he said it was because he lost his job and she didn't know about nicola until later (!?) anyway, he gave Nicola a call and said he had no where to go could he come stay? She took him in.
He then went on to say how 'great' he and Nicola were and I asked him what made the relationship so great. He said the sex was great and she was a good companion. I asked him : what makes a good companion. He said - someone who likes sex. So anyway that was silly of me to go there! He then bought a house with Nicola, making her relocate away from her family. They then married two years later and tried for a child. They had a son who was later diagnosed with aspergers. They stopped sleeping together during her pregnancy. He said they never made love again. He said they tried but he couldn't do it ( rise to the occasion!) and never tried again. They went to marriage guidance. He is angry that she said she wouldn't change after having a child and she now put her child before him! He was very angry and still is. So although they knew their relationship was over they stayed together for another 13 years!
During the next 13 years he started an affair with her best friend who also worked with/for him. they had sex once a week/fortnight at her house. FOR EIGHT YEARS!!! The last two or three years of his relationship with Nicola he had affairs and was on dating sites. He eventually started divorce proceedings after Nicola refused to let him remortgage the house for a crazy business venture. ( don't blame her!)
But why am I writing all this.
Because it makes me sick, and it makes me scared and it makes me cry.
I know whats done is done. but it really really worries me how I hate him for his past. I feel if I don't give him sex he will go off and find someone else, like he always has. To be honest when I met him I thought he would be such a hot lover but he wasn't at all!
I asked him why he did all this? Was he proud of how he behaved? He said he didn't know what love was until he met me. ( I took this with a pinch of salt) and now he does he won't throw it away. He wishes he had known before. But how can you not know?! How can you not see the way you are treating someone is wrong?! I don't understand this.
My reaction to it, disturbs me.
He doesn't come across as a cruel person. With me in bed he is very sweet, he holds me tight and strokes my hair. He says sweet loving things and I feel like he means them or do I want to think he feels them? Im not sure. He makes me feel safe in those moments. but he also makes me feel scared at the same time. During the day he is different. Its as if the night before never happened. It confuses me and makes me feel I can't trust him or relax.
Im not sure if my feelings are about him or if they are my fear of abandonment. I am very attracted to him in a strange way. He is charismatic and manly. Although to others not handsome at all! We have chemistry I guess. The sex is better. I bought him some books on love and tantric sex! And he reads them and is doing more in bed for me these days. I don't understand how he was so cold before. He says he loves me but if I ever spend on the credit card and break his trust we are over. This confuses me.
The other thing which scared me was his daughter talking about her Mum ( Jane) and her step-Dad. Now the way she describes step-Dad could be a good description of my H. Thats weird! Jane obviously goes for a type! His Daughter described step-dad as controlling and a bully. He sits on the couch waiting for her to serve him. He won't let her work, has all the control of the finances and takes her around the world with him for 6 months of the year. She sounds unhappy. The children hated him and left as soon as they could. Step Dad was described as being mean and nasty to the children in much the same way as my H is to mine.
I was so shocked. This woman, Jane, has married the same type twice! And the step-Dad sounds so much like my H. I did blurt this out - but my H just ignored me.
Later that night my H made love to me and I just cried and cried. I don't know why.
I felt like I wanted him so much and I was never going to have him. Earlier he had said he didn't know if he would love me forever or not - ! OMG why do you say that I said?! He said because you might break my trust. You might have an affair or spend on the credit. or use my toothbrush to clean the toilet!
I was shocked he could even say he felt we may not last to me. I said but when we were married it say he promised to love me til he dies…so why did you marry me I said?! because I love you he replied.
oh gawd. Why do I feel so uneasy today.
Why am I sitting here writing this? I wanted all the bad horrible thoughts and fears to get out of my head and give me peace. I should be doing something creative I know.
I have no idea how this is going to play out. Day to day everything is ok. Yes he's lazy around the house but he works hard and holds me tight at night. I think I need to work on my expectations of this marriage! I know he isn't honest with me about finances, he keeps it secret. I know he has 70k in debts he didn't tell me about until recently.
I need to go do something nice now.
I needed to splurge this out. x
Replies
I worry that he is projecting his own worries onto you, worries that come from his own behaviour. The spending on his credit card, he has a history of debt due to his spending (I assume), he has been unfaithful to all his exes, he has resentment or anger issues so there\'s the possibility he may have cleaned the toilet with someone\'s toothbrush.
The point I\'m making is that he puts this on you or someone else because he has no empathy and no responsibility for things he does. It makes him dangerous, capable of almost anything.
Are you happy in this marriage?
If you have to think about it you are not happy, you are trying to make a bad situation work. Reminds me so much of my relationship with the psychopath, he had a very similar history to your husband, I was the same as you. Long term abuse leads to depression, fatigue and poor cognitive function. I couldn\'t make decisions, I was exhausted from over analysing his behaviour.
Deep down I think you know that this isn\'t going to get better, there is a high probability he is cheating or has already cheated on you. What happens (God forbid I hope this doesn\'t happen) if you get sick and can\'t perform for him? What happens when you are in need?
I can\'t see this man caring, maybe for a short spell, but I could see him just finding someone else to meet his needs. Just like my ex.
There are domestic violence programmes in the UK, it may be worth you finding out if there is one in your area. I know you had a trauma at an eary age from one of your previous posts, it may take some counselling to make things better.