Weird but long week.
Well lets see what has happened in the last few days. I have been trying to focus on me and making myself independent again and its been a little tough but its like riding a bike. I have been ok, I have only cried a few times and usually if I am watching something and they talk about marriage or if i just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness which happens at night sometimes. I have been doing a lot of praying and talking to the heavens. Besides my separation I have now been dealing with several car problems and since I don't have many friends that care anymore can't ask their help and my parents don't have a car so I had to reach out to my husband and he thankfully came to the rescue which was a nice thing for him to do. I have been asking for some sign of what i should do and if my relationship is meant to be and or if i should choose another path. I got so angry the other day when i was talking to myself and the heavens and was trying to walk through all that has happened. I wanted to know how much more pain I had to go through, almost losing my dad and then a month later my husband in his own way tells me that if i had some where to go he would tell me to leave, so I left and that has caused me great pain. Then moving in with my parents for a week and felt so unwelcome that I jumped at getting my own place with my son and try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Now being a month and a half in the separation I have just tried to keep as much distance as I could from the relationship and if he wanted to make this work then he would have to do everything to fix it because he was the one that wanted out and didn't want to try.
Well monday when my car died and I had no way to work I had to stay home, I had text him to bring over the jumper cables when he came by to see my son and he called to see if he could come by earlier to talk. I said yeah and we didn't do much talking but we got my car to start and then we talked about my car and a bit before my son came home from school he told me he missed me and he pulled me up into a hug, I told him i missed him to and he just held me for a few minutes it wasn't like the awkward hugs he had given me in the past few weeks. I tried to not let it get to me and just wanted to act like I was ok with out him. even though i am not he doesn't need to know that right now. He had talked a few weeks ago about maybe trying again and i just let it go because I don't know if he is serious or not again i am not going to force him to do anything. He said he wanted to go to a marriage counselor and work through our issues. I was a bit shocked and told him I had a few names that I had looked up previous to our separation and I would send them to him to look at and then he was talking about how if we fix all this what are we going to do about our living situation. since i moved and am now in a year lease and he is still in our old lease. I told him that I would not be moving back into that house because of his brother and that once that time comes we will talk about our options and maybe finding a place of our own and me breaking or trying to reduce the lease where i am but that we should just go slow and do the counseling first and make sure that this is what we want. He was wait who are you and what did you do with my wife. Lol I told him that i am not going to jump in and just expect it to work and to get hurt again. I told him that I am working on myself and that I am trying to fix me to make me happy again and that I know that my anger issues was a big problem in our marriage because when i would get mad I would shut down and I am trying to talk through my anger and not go from 0 to 60 in two seconds. But I am watching out for me and my heart and soul and my sons heart as well.
So we shall see where this leads Again the ball is in his court on what he does. I am just going sit back and watch and see if he does more then try. If he wants our marriage to work and still loves me then he will fight for it, if not then its not meant to be and its the sign i needed.
Well monday when my car died and I had no way to work I had to stay home, I had text him to bring over the jumper cables when he came by to see my son and he called to see if he could come by earlier to talk. I said yeah and we didn't do much talking but we got my car to start and then we talked about my car and a bit before my son came home from school he told me he missed me and he pulled me up into a hug, I told him i missed him to and he just held me for a few minutes it wasn't like the awkward hugs he had given me in the past few weeks. I tried to not let it get to me and just wanted to act like I was ok with out him. even though i am not he doesn't need to know that right now. He had talked a few weeks ago about maybe trying again and i just let it go because I don't know if he is serious or not again i am not going to force him to do anything. He said he wanted to go to a marriage counselor and work through our issues. I was a bit shocked and told him I had a few names that I had looked up previous to our separation and I would send them to him to look at and then he was talking about how if we fix all this what are we going to do about our living situation. since i moved and am now in a year lease and he is still in our old lease. I told him that I would not be moving back into that house because of his brother and that once that time comes we will talk about our options and maybe finding a place of our own and me breaking or trying to reduce the lease where i am but that we should just go slow and do the counseling first and make sure that this is what we want. He was wait who are you and what did you do with my wife. Lol I told him that i am not going to jump in and just expect it to work and to get hurt again. I told him that I am working on myself and that I am trying to fix me to make me happy again and that I know that my anger issues was a big problem in our marriage because when i would get mad I would shut down and I am trying to talk through my anger and not go from 0 to 60 in two seconds. But I am watching out for me and my heart and soul and my sons heart as well.
So we shall see where this leads Again the ball is in his court on what he does. I am just going sit back and watch and see if he does more then try. If he wants our marriage to work and still loves me then he will fight for it, if not then its not meant to be and its the sign i needed.
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