weIght loss blablabla

I want to lose this fucking weight. Its a long road- I know that. Saying that out loud means at least a year's worth of work- maybe more. I have a lot to lose. But I just don't want to look like this anymore.

I haven't said that out loud in a whilE. Here's why: I have about 90 pounds to lose to get down to my goal weight. However- even a weight loss of 20 pounds would be awesome. That's what I would like. That would be nice. I feel unhealthy at this weight and I don't want to be this big anymore. That's it. Here's why I don't say that out loud anymore- I can't fucking mention it without everyone and their ma chiming in and telling me how the fuck to losE weight- btw I don't ask!!! I know how the fuck to lose weight- I've done it many times before- it just doesn't mean as much to me as it seems to mean to EVERYONE else. Everyone that sees me at this weight seems to think that I should move hell and high water to lose the weight- not bc I wanT it- but bc they can't seem to fathom me not wanting it. That's the fucking culture I grew up in. That's italians.

I just refuse to fucking diet anymore. I refuse. I made up my mind a while back that I would be fat until I reached a point of mental health where I could lose the weight comfortably- meaning w out deliberatEly starving or stuffing myself. I can't go on that roller coaster ride anymore. It was a long and horrible road. Yeah- I got to a point where I looked great- but I fucking felt horrible. No amount of weIght loss or gain could bring upon or take away that feeling. I don't want to want to escape reality. I don't want to lose weight enough to hurt myself anymore. That seems to be unfathomable to people. Especially my fucking family. That's why I've adopted this attitude of "I'm proud to be this weight" - not bc its true- but bc its the only way to get the people around me to eventually shut the fuck up! No one in this family does that on their own. No one EVER.

It took me a while but I think I've finally figured out my family. They all operate under the basic premise that everyone around them is a fucking idiot and out to get them and everyone else and therefore everyone needs to be told exactly what to do and exactly how to do it. Its quite horrible. I'd like to say it comes from a good place but whether or not that's true I just don't know anymore. I do know I just don't want to fucking hear about it. I also know that if I turn into another person who steps on the scale everyday and complains that they aren't happy bc their packing a wopping 5 extra pounds- shit even an extra 15 or 20- I'll fucking shoot myself before I come to that point. I don't want to be that again- EVER.

When I was a kid and I started to gain weight my mother stopped paying attention to anything else I did. All of a suddEn the only thing that mattered was me and how fat I was. Fat- at fucking 10 pounds overweight. I'm so mad at that. I resent the shit out of it. She did this to me. She taught me to hate myself. She taught me and then my father took the abuse baton and ran with it. He cemented it. Everyone in my family alwAys praised me when I lost weight- well praised me and told me I was too thin and I needed to eat something. Basically they are just addicted to misery. And the thing they say about misery- about it loving company- truer words have never been spoken. I have to escape that fucking mentality. If I don't nothing will ever be truly good in my life.

My goals: heal and be an awesome lawyer/ business woman. Part of healing is working out and eating healthy which will inevitably lead to weight loss. When I get home I'm gonna print that out and put it around many places. "I want to heal. Part of healing is working out and eating healthy which will inevitably lead to weight loss." That needs to be my mantra. Those that don't learn from their history are doomed to repeat it. If I don't makE a conscious effort I'll be miserable for the rest on my life and I just refuse to feel that way.