weekend anxiety still!
i am frustrated! i'm frustrated with myself for still feeling this anxiety. i feel afraid. afraid of what? i dont know. i hate this feeling. i woke up at 6 which i guess is normal, but i had such dreams and i'm tired of giving him space in my head. as i think back..it's really only been like 4 months. he took off mid july i guess, so 5 months. i can't believe the effect he's had on me! how the hell did i change so much?
it's probably b/c of christmas. i'm just going to work this out here. last yr, he left in nov and i took him back in january..i cried so much. as i think of it, i start to cry. it was a horrible, awful xmas. ok..i need not look back. i need to look fwd. i need to know that i can make things bdetter for myself.
keep moving fwd, keep looking twds the future and how to bring more positivity into my life. i know he'll never get better. he'll never treat the next one better. i just want this all over with. i hate the whole court stuff. i'm going to put a garnishment next week on him and i hope tehy take his money before xmas. i wont see it, but that's not the point.
the point is that i'm giong to make him suffer. from doing the right thing. by taking care of myself. by being happy. by enjoying my life, the people in my life, the fun times i will create with my family. \
in hindsight..i should have said yes when the court officer asked me if i wanted to include my promissory note in my suit. i can't believe i was still being nice!
if i've learned anyting from this experience, it's that being nice does not mean letting people away with stuff that i find wrong. i dont need to forgive and look past. im actually cutting out one friend i should have awhile back. just b/c she's so pissy. she gets sooo pissy and really doesnt give a shit if i'm in her life or not. she's bossy and doesn't have very good manners. too bad.
im making my list of to dos for next yr. one of them will be to make new friends, join one group at least and to write more.
im tired. my hand hurts from the fucking shaking! dammit..what is that? that's from having the shit scared out of me! that's what that is! i guess it must be hard to hide and fake things all the time. fake being a nice person which is what he did. he faked caring, loving me, he faked his past, his dreams of the future, hid everything from me and then showed his true colors and scared me terribly. i guess i need to get some councelling for that but i dont want to, but i hve to. shit..
i am not going to consider myself damaged! that's the bottom line.
it's probably b/c of christmas. i'm just going to work this out here. last yr, he left in nov and i took him back in january..i cried so much. as i think of it, i start to cry. it was a horrible, awful xmas. ok..i need not look back. i need to look fwd. i need to know that i can make things bdetter for myself.
keep moving fwd, keep looking twds the future and how to bring more positivity into my life. i know he'll never get better. he'll never treat the next one better. i just want this all over with. i hate the whole court stuff. i'm going to put a garnishment next week on him and i hope tehy take his money before xmas. i wont see it, but that's not the point.
the point is that i'm giong to make him suffer. from doing the right thing. by taking care of myself. by being happy. by enjoying my life, the people in my life, the fun times i will create with my family. \
in hindsight..i should have said yes when the court officer asked me if i wanted to include my promissory note in my suit. i can't believe i was still being nice!
if i've learned anyting from this experience, it's that being nice does not mean letting people away with stuff that i find wrong. i dont need to forgive and look past. im actually cutting out one friend i should have awhile back. just b/c she's so pissy. she gets sooo pissy and really doesnt give a shit if i'm in her life or not. she's bossy and doesn't have very good manners. too bad.
im making my list of to dos for next yr. one of them will be to make new friends, join one group at least and to write more.
im tired. my hand hurts from the fucking shaking! dammit..what is that? that's from having the shit scared out of me! that's what that is! i guess it must be hard to hide and fake things all the time. fake being a nice person which is what he did. he faked caring, loving me, he faked his past, his dreams of the future, hid everything from me and then showed his true colors and scared me terribly. i guess i need to get some councelling for that but i dont want to, but i hve to. shit..
i am not going to consider myself damaged! that's the bottom line.
Replies
You are not damaged! I can understand what and why you are feeling the way you do. You are a strong and caring woman who deserves a wonderful life! I also feel like I can relate because I was asked 3 times in my divorce papers if domestic violence was involved and I said no because I want things to be civil... You bring up a good point though that doing the right thing doesn\'t mean you aren\'t being nice. I know counseling is hard but if you find the right person it will tremendously help as long as you are willing to open up. I have been going since August and am already seeing a new me. Good luck and know I\'m always here if you need someone to talk to.
Thank you for the encouragement and for the offer of support. It means so much to me. I feel less alone now :)
omg! ((((hugs)))))
not having the best morning either...so not much I can say..
just hugs....
Thanks to u too Fiona. Things will get better. Hope u both have a great day!