Week-March 23

Dear Journal, 

I have cried and tried to make sense of everything from February until now. Somethings make sense and others don't. I have made some difficult decisions for myself for the better and others. I need to heal from this grief. Grief hurts like and no one seems to understand the damage and multitude of hurt I am feeling. So-called friends are insensitivity and family members who never experienced the pain of an estranged parent (father) to a daughter. I don't know whether to be upset, mad, angry, and or more. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." I find myself looking for answers or comfort to make me understand these feelings. Instead, there are no answers just tears. This month has taught me a valuable lesson; I have to live for me. I have to love myself, and I have to heal myself as tricky as it may be for me. I have to too. I had all the answers to everyone else's problems with mental health until my own surfaced. As a student training to be a therapist (all), the textbook and theory crap went out the window. Things began happening rapidly, and I didn't know how to communicate my needs and wants at once. I thought if I dress in the designer clothes, attend class, and clinical experience; I had it together. Instead, I was numb and tired. Tired from the numbness, tired of fighting with everyone and everything. The grief had own and controlled me. It was watching my every move, and I didn't know how to flee from it. It would come and go like a thief in the night. I told myself this weekend new beginnings. I meant it. Enrolled in group counseling finally after a month of fighting and decided not to cook for once and treat me to a deli dinner sandwich and ice cream with a movie. And I was okay with that. But I don't think every day is going to be easy; I know I would be fooling myself to expect anything easy especially during this difficult time in my life. I just want to be mentally healthy to focus on finishing my schooling and jumpstart my career as a therapist in training to start my Ph.D. to work with children in a trauma-focused clinic using narrative and creative therapy techniques to express themselves. Along with establishing a healthy romantic relationship.