Week one

Well here I am back on 'the wagon' again since the 25th Feb 2014.  I had one small lapse yesterday when my partner handed me a small glass of cider (he doesn't know I've stopped drinking) yesterday as I was sitting in the sun enjoying my book.  I didn't know what to do - it felt like a gift that I had to accept, so I just looked at the glass being held out to me and then took it.  I felt torn between my decision not to drink and the guilt that someone had given me something so I better enjoy it.  I sipped at the drink and the taste was sensational (strawberry and lime).  I figured that the glass was only small and the liquid tasted like a soft drink, so I would finish it.  My inner voices battled.  I continued to drink but then changed my mind when I started to notice the familiar feeling of my body relaxing and my mind dulling.  I was already tired - this was the last thing I needed.  I made the decision to tip out the drop remaining which felt good.  On going back into the house I was offered more, so I thanked him, knowing that I would not be having more.  I need to tell my partner, but he is an alcoholic too and I am afraid of what this will do to our relationship and whether it will survive in the long run.  I doubt that he would ever want to give up.  This is a dilema I will have to face.  We have a weekend away coming up which is going to be hard as normally we would happily consume bottles of wine together. There is much to face again.  It feels like I will have to change my life eventually as so much of it has revolved around drink.  I just realized - and was horrified - that I have been alcohol dependent for around 30 years!!!  That has made me more determined than ever to get sober and stay sober this time.
The last time - or rather first time - I stopped drinking was August 2013.  I managed 7 weeks much to my amazement and was feeling so, incredibly good!  I had decided that I would still drink on special occasions. So I drank in October whilst on an island holiday and rapidly increased my drinking back up to binge level, managing to black out one night and injure myself on another.  Coming home to my fathers diagnosis of cancer and a trip overseas to be with him and family, led to ongoing drinking and probably my worst blackout yet, which left me full of shame and scared.
This drinking has to stop.  I still feel torn between the fun, party 'drunk' times where I can be the life and soul of the party next to the more serious, sensible but sober me. 
Okay so now I have admitted to myself that I haven't been sober since the 25th Feb, as I had that drink of cider on 2nd March!  I have accepted that I need to abstain completely as that first drink can so easily lead to many more.  I was going to drink on special occasions such as when I go on holiday like I am this weekend, but thanks to this site and the support I have realized this simply won't work.  I am concerned about whether I am strong enough to not drink this weekend as I will be with my alcoholic partner and we are going to a food and drink fest.  Thank goodness I booked our accommodation out of town so I will have to be the sober driver.  This will be my first true challenge since quitting.