wednesday 4-17
i feel crappy i must have massive allergies kicking in a cold or heaven forbid the flu it would be just my luck and get the flu now after hibernating all winter to keep from getting it.ugh.i called my advocate and i am hoping to get into a shelter tomorrow.the temporary room-mate has his sister coming friday and the last thing i want to is to get into it with her.i be in da clink if we in the same room and she opened her mouth to get on my case she does not know the things her brother said to me i should go take all my pills and kill myself because i am a waste of air, that i should go back up to my dads and let him rape me again and that i probably deserved it. the worst of the many things he has said.that is a low blow and should NEVER be said to anybody. i an just waiting to get away live my life for me no relationships of any kind unless it is a friendship. i was talking to my cousin and i told her it was kind of a blesing that i had the heart attack otherwise i may not have gotten the wake-up call and changed my thinking especially after i have tried to take my life it is hard to understand how much it changes you i have heard that before but never fully realized just how much a heart attack can make you see things clearer think more about who and how you want to be from that moment you wake up in that bed machines beeping the way things look when you see u are all hooked up to these monitors-freaked me out- woke me up. now i think about the effects of stress anxiety caffeine sugar fats sodium all that and change your whole life around. i have soo much i have to do/feel appreciate in a way i never have before.i owe it to my mom (RIP) 2-15-2001 and my grandmother (RIP)8-14 -1989 i know they look down from heaven and am proud of me in the last 2 1/2 yrs how i have changed inside what i believe in and how i just will not tolerate crap and speak my mind now not afraid of upsetting others who just want to walk on me and use me then discard me.i never deserved it before do not deserve it now!!i finally realize that but a person is hardest on themselves at least i am i just wanted to be liked loved even just seen in life and now i just want to live for myself take in the beauty and feel the sun on my face or the rain on my head look for rainbows after it rains watch what shapes the clouds are dog cat elephant antelope whatever i just want to be able to enjoy what time i do have left but the issues i face are going to the hardest to deal with my dad being prosecuted for what he did facing the neglect and anger that both my parents did i did make things right with my mom before she died i finally got my mom back only for her to be taken away again it literally crushed my heart into dust but felt peace that things were put right so neither of us had any regrets or i wish i had's. i am going to try and keep strong and not falter along the way i know i will stumble and fall need to pick up and keep going it is a tota new thing for me i believe i can do this but there is always that little voice of doubt from what others say stuck in my mind you cant do it you dont know how hard it is how can it be any harder that what i have already endured?and what still has yet to come. sorry did not intend for this to be this long or in depth putting it out there having someone else see it in an environment i feel safe in to get feedback or hugs it means alot more than people realize or do they know how it feels to be able to share like this? either way i am thankful to all of you and to this site i have suggested it to others and they looked at it not sure if they became members or not but i did put the word out there to others by word of mouth not fb so i think i will turn in now it is going to be an eventfull day tomorrow i think first step to freedom and healing you will all be in my prayers tonight. night friends
Replies
I\'ve been a little late making my rounds, I hope you\'re on your new trail now and that things are starting to settle down for you, May some peace and serenity be with you, Blaine
Big big hugs for you