we may think in terms of perfect pictures

I struggled with the nature of my embattled mindset today.
I left a message for my therapist who is very very generous with that

kind of thing. I just wasn't sure if it was me who was the problem or if it

was the external influences in my life that had me so pulled down into the depths.

I went to my parents house for dinner - trying to be open to talk to them and

with my personal acknowledgement to myself before going (that it might be me and my internal

mechanism). So when I talked to them both this time I found myself at greater ease

and greater understanding that we're all imperfect beings - both light and dark - 

but really I was in touch with their presences a little better and it seemed they showed

me more of themselves as well saying things that they never really revealed before 'that things for each

were weary feeling' or 'kind of wonky from the medication'....

After dinner and doing the dishes I took the trash out and on the way - that momentary separation

from them had me thinking about getting back to my life...here at home. I thought about

things in a way that was kind of like super idealized pictures and somewhat separated from

the feelings just before in the kitchen. It kind of unhinged me a little - and it seemed like it was noticed.

I knew I wanted to go home - I spent some time just cleaning up and coping with the inevitable

volley of comments and stuff - but I felt once I got in the car and made my way home

that, once here, it seemed like in my solitude I tend to think in perfect pictures and have a hard

time "relativizing things." Thinking about things in terms of relativity rather than a kind of iconography --

my Dad once said to me in very wise terms - that if you expect someone to say always what you want to hear

from them all the time - you'll never have a meaningful relationship with them. Tonight that idea came to me

when I just was hanging out with them before, during, and after dinner.

In all candor I made my retreat soon after I put everything away.

I kind of got the heebee jeebies.

I wanted to come home. I love my life. I don't think I could ever get married

and I just feel like I need to take a shower - sorry that must sound harsh -

But I'm calling myself out on this - realizing to myself that I might habitually look

to think about things in a set of perfect pictures rather than the humanity of we're all

animals and we've all got to take care of ourselves and our lives.

I feel a sense of stability with this - like a window of vaguery that gives stability.