WDILM - cont.
I have a little time here. Since it seems to be helping a little with insights seeing everything written out...I will finish it.
After doing so well during our separation and really just thinking - this is over. After he wanted to meet, I made the huge mistake of doing so. We met in town. He was...oh my...so perfectly contrite, just almost boyishly bashful. He treated so carefully to be polite and not to cross any boundary with me that night. He talked. He told me that I was right, about pretty much everything. He didn't include me in his life. I should meet his friends. He should make the effort to call, be more on time, be there. So amazingly, perfectly scripted it was. Looking back, I was once again charmed, but also wary. Wary enough to tread carefully - at least that night. All he asked for was a hug and I gave him a brief one at the end before leaving. Then he made the next perfect play. He invited me to a get together at one of his "friends" that was female. I went and finally met some of "his" people. She was nice and talked to me, and shared a bit about how she had met my husband and it was all good. It was a nice evening, but...I was just thinking last night after my first date how different it was and that the N and I, we certainly just did not move in the same circles.
After that evening, we started talking more. He completely denied sleeping with that girl. He did finally admit that he had met her at a club out with his young guy friends and that he had flirted, but meant it harmlessly and she, being young, took it way further than he ever intended and then he had difficulty "shaking her". And yeah, okay, I didn't really buy this...not real sure why a 19-year-old girl would lie to me and say she slept with my husband. But, here I go again with my justifications of the he-said, she-said thing and being drawn in by this smooth-talking charm. Shit - even my cousin was like, he really seems to be telling the truth. It is mind blowing when you realize that these people can just lie that damned well!! So many times, it's not even what they are saying (which many times your logical brains KNOWS is b.s.) but that they do it without a qualm, a blink, as sincere as can be!!
So, we got back together. He got rid of his place FINALLY 2 years into our marriage!!!
The thing is, he certainly hadn't changed, he had just learned his lesson to be a lot more discreet, secretive and have better excuses for how his time was spent. He did learn to call more - drunk from where ever either wanting me to pick him up (usually causing a scene over something or the other) or to say he was still working, or studying with a friend or still at the school. Over the next year and a half, it was more of the same, just better cloaked and more mind fucking games. I guess this is when I really, really lost myself. The secret shit was worse than the full blown disrespect! Next thing you know, I am a paranoid, detective woman constantly on guard.
And this is really where I lost me. I got into this cycle of some sick game playing competition that I was going to catch him and finally have proof definitively one way or the other!!! The more I searched, the more he hid. God, I must have been the highlight of a N life! The more I worried, the more he could get away with and turn around n me that I was forcing him out, pushing him away and what choice did he have? Everyday, I was becoming crazier and crazier and more reactive. Over the last 6 months, I had fits of screaming, sobbing, begging him to LOVE ME. Before long, he had blocked FB, gotten his own phone & internet service, secret storage building, secret bank account. It was absolutely the perfect set up. While I was working my ass off doing everything I could while simultaneously going nuts with paranoid thoughts, he was having a great time, making me look like THE PYSCHO ONE!!
And here comes the kicker...after our weekend at the cabin for our anniversary, flowers and me finally, finally feeling hope...he had poured his heart out at the cabin afterall, it blew. The following weekend, Thanksgiving. I thought he had a work/muslim holiday thing. He asked the plan that Thanksgiving morning. Just to be SUPER clear, I asked how long it would take him because if he wasn't going to be back in time, I would take the kids and he could meet us at my family's for dinner, but if he was going to be back, we would wait for him and drive up together. He said it would only take about an hour...so we waited. In the end, we were 3 hours late for Thanksgiving dinner. And guess what? I even thanked him after dinner for being willing to come to family functions with me (the kids dad always hated these things and the kids and I went alone). HA!! So, on Friday, when I look and find that he has this doggie bag, I was like what is this. Oh just some treats from this function yesterday. OMG!!! We were 3 hours late for my family dinner because he had gone to lunch with other people!!!! Seriously? And okay...why were the kids and I not invited along? No answer, no big deal. So, that was it, I was pissed as hell, we ended up in a "domestic dispute" in which he called 9-1-1 on ME! They were actually going to arrest me too - until the officer that took my son's statement talked to the sergeant. Thank God for my son's honesty because after that, they decided the N was the primary abuser and he got arrested. And oh, the hell to pay for THAT! Somehow this got turned around into ME having HIM arrested!
That was THE END. I guess there will be one more journal about the getting away, no contact, breaking no contact and the finality finally....
After doing so well during our separation and really just thinking - this is over. After he wanted to meet, I made the huge mistake of doing so. We met in town. He was...oh my...so perfectly contrite, just almost boyishly bashful. He treated so carefully to be polite and not to cross any boundary with me that night. He talked. He told me that I was right, about pretty much everything. He didn't include me in his life. I should meet his friends. He should make the effort to call, be more on time, be there. So amazingly, perfectly scripted it was. Looking back, I was once again charmed, but also wary. Wary enough to tread carefully - at least that night. All he asked for was a hug and I gave him a brief one at the end before leaving. Then he made the next perfect play. He invited me to a get together at one of his "friends" that was female. I went and finally met some of "his" people. She was nice and talked to me, and shared a bit about how she had met my husband and it was all good. It was a nice evening, but...I was just thinking last night after my first date how different it was and that the N and I, we certainly just did not move in the same circles.
After that evening, we started talking more. He completely denied sleeping with that girl. He did finally admit that he had met her at a club out with his young guy friends and that he had flirted, but meant it harmlessly and she, being young, took it way further than he ever intended and then he had difficulty "shaking her". And yeah, okay, I didn't really buy this...not real sure why a 19-year-old girl would lie to me and say she slept with my husband. But, here I go again with my justifications of the he-said, she-said thing and being drawn in by this smooth-talking charm. Shit - even my cousin was like, he really seems to be telling the truth. It is mind blowing when you realize that these people can just lie that damned well!! So many times, it's not even what they are saying (which many times your logical brains KNOWS is b.s.) but that they do it without a qualm, a blink, as sincere as can be!!
So, we got back together. He got rid of his place FINALLY 2 years into our marriage!!!
The thing is, he certainly hadn't changed, he had just learned his lesson to be a lot more discreet, secretive and have better excuses for how his time was spent. He did learn to call more - drunk from where ever either wanting me to pick him up (usually causing a scene over something or the other) or to say he was still working, or studying with a friend or still at the school. Over the next year and a half, it was more of the same, just better cloaked and more mind fucking games. I guess this is when I really, really lost myself. The secret shit was worse than the full blown disrespect! Next thing you know, I am a paranoid, detective woman constantly on guard.
And this is really where I lost me. I got into this cycle of some sick game playing competition that I was going to catch him and finally have proof definitively one way or the other!!! The more I searched, the more he hid. God, I must have been the highlight of a N life! The more I worried, the more he could get away with and turn around n me that I was forcing him out, pushing him away and what choice did he have? Everyday, I was becoming crazier and crazier and more reactive. Over the last 6 months, I had fits of screaming, sobbing, begging him to LOVE ME. Before long, he had blocked FB, gotten his own phone & internet service, secret storage building, secret bank account. It was absolutely the perfect set up. While I was working my ass off doing everything I could while simultaneously going nuts with paranoid thoughts, he was having a great time, making me look like THE PYSCHO ONE!!
And here comes the kicker...after our weekend at the cabin for our anniversary, flowers and me finally, finally feeling hope...he had poured his heart out at the cabin afterall, it blew. The following weekend, Thanksgiving. I thought he had a work/muslim holiday thing. He asked the plan that Thanksgiving morning. Just to be SUPER clear, I asked how long it would take him because if he wasn't going to be back in time, I would take the kids and he could meet us at my family's for dinner, but if he was going to be back, we would wait for him and drive up together. He said it would only take about an hour...so we waited. In the end, we were 3 hours late for Thanksgiving dinner. And guess what? I even thanked him after dinner for being willing to come to family functions with me (the kids dad always hated these things and the kids and I went alone). HA!! So, on Friday, when I look and find that he has this doggie bag, I was like what is this. Oh just some treats from this function yesterday. OMG!!! We were 3 hours late for my family dinner because he had gone to lunch with other people!!!! Seriously? And okay...why were the kids and I not invited along? No answer, no big deal. So, that was it, I was pissed as hell, we ended up in a "domestic dispute" in which he called 9-1-1 on ME! They were actually going to arrest me too - until the officer that took my son's statement talked to the sergeant. Thank God for my son's honesty because after that, they decided the N was the primary abuser and he got arrested. And oh, the hell to pay for THAT! Somehow this got turned around into ME having HIM arrested!
That was THE END. I guess there will be one more journal about the getting away, no contact, breaking no contact and the finality finally....
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