WDILM - cont.

So, a few days after he was arrested, he left the country to visit his parents for a month.  It was a quiet, tense fe days. I moved and the kids and I just left his things sitting in the house.  I couldn't really afford to move.  Financially, it wasn't the best decision for us.  But, oh, I think I needed that.  Just the action to actually break the cycle.  Just to get away from everything that was "known" before.  I don't know.  I drove him to the airport, missed the exit (which he wondered if I did on purpose to try to make him miss the plane) but got him there with a minute to spare!  The checkin desk did not have change (and we were owed $100), so he went on up to the security line while I waited for the change.  In the end, we didn't say good-bye. I got the change finally and watched the plane take to the air.  Then I burst into tears and sobbed the entire way home.  He had called once he got on the plane and could and said he was upset that we hadn't said good-bye, that he had wanted to give me a hug and kiss and to tell me that he really did love me.
I went through that month in our new place in the worst shape of my life.  I was either crying or on a TV marathon.  I watched more TV that month than I have throughout the entire rest of my life.  It seemed all I could manage.  As the time for him to return came, I was on pins and needles wondering if he would contact me to pick him up at the airport.  That call didn't come.  I was both relieved and devastated that he hadn't called.  He did text from a friend's house the next day to see if he could go to the place to get his things.  He was uncertain if there was any kind of restraining order or if it would be okay.  I told him it would be fine for him to go get his things.  He text again a couple hours later and said he was unable to find a taxi or a ride out there.  I had so many feelings of guilt.  That he was arrested (not my fault), that we hadn't said good-bye (not my fault), that I had just left his things in our abandoned home (not my fault) and that he didn't even have his vehicle (again, not my fault).  How much guilt one person can hold over so much that is just not their fault is amazing.  I told him I would give him a ride out there.
He looked so damned good when I picked him up.  Once again, we are back to polite talk on the way.  He did also say I was looking good.  By the time we got to the old place, he had said that he was unsure whether to call me for a ride from the airport.  I told him I had expected him to call and tell me that he did.  It was a very awkward exchange.
We ended up talking some more shortly after that.  He had his court date for the 3rd degree domestic battery charge.  Since he had been out of the country, he had no idea what all had gone on.  So, we did end up talking about us during this process.  This was his idea: for us to go back to the beginning, like we had just met and to date.  My first and continuing reaction was "I am going to DATE my husband?"  It was absolutely absurd!!  But, oh, that draw was still there.  I was still addicted to this man.  So, against my better judgement, we were going to try to date.  Our first date, years after our other first date, actually went well.  He came screaming around the corner on two wheels, but he did actually make it on time!  He had this boyish grin on his face and said, I made it.  I was on time!!  God, he could be so charming.  We went to dinner.  We talked a bit about school and the kids and such.  He went back to his place afterwards.  I guess this, we are going to date thing worked for about 5 days maybe.
This is the real deal.  Firstly, you can't go back to square one because so much has happened in between - it doesn't just disappear.  Secondly, I had been on this site for a couple of months or so by then, I had some time away and I wasn't really strong, but had more knowledge.  Thirdly, he was the same man as always.
At some point during the day that week, I was talking to a girl I knew on the phone.  She had just left work (on the strip in our town) and was waiting for her ride.  The N called me WHILE I was talking with her and said, "why is she getting into this guys car?"  We both knew this guy.  I just told him that I had no idea.  While my gut immediately reacted, my brain hadn't quited kicked in yet.  He gets off the phone and I go back to the call with the girlfriend.  She is talking to the guy who had picked her up about why my husband was going into this club with some blonde woman.  And okay, when I said I was back, they immediately went silent and no one would say anything.  So, when I talked to the N again, I asked him why he was on that street.  He said he was not.  We ended up in an argument over this because I'm not believing him over some people I barely know.  And we all know, you can't explain to an N that it wasn't about that.  No matter what they said, I have a brain.  The timing of the calls say that he was on that street!!! Otherwise, he wouldn't have seen her get in the car with him!  So, he changed his story just slightly that he didn't see her GET IN the car, but saw her IN the car a block over.  Whatever...I am not sure I had read the Rule of 3 yet, but this was already strike one.
I don't think I got to three.  That Friday, we were talking.  When he had called, I was just finishing cooking and sitting down to eat with the kids.  So, he said to go ahead and eat and call me when we were finished.  Well, when I called him, he was just sitting down to eat, so he said he would call me when he was finished.  He didn't call.  I went on with my evening.  Around 11 p.m., I was ready to go to sleep. So, I went ahead and called him to let him know I was going to bed and say goodnight.  No answer.  He's not home.  A little after midnight, he does return my call.  I can tell he's tipsy, in a loud place and having fun.  All I said was, you didn't call like you said you would.  He is going on cheerfully about this not being a big deal.  I said, yes, actually it is a big deal to me.  I expect you to do what you say you are going to do.  He says that a friend just stopped by and invited him to shoot pool and he just didn't even think, but was actually calling to invite me to come on down there.  I just tell him no, I expect that you call me when you say you will...even if it is just to say, hey my friend's here and we are going to go shoot pool.  That's not hard.  That's not complicated.  It is really not hard to remember that you have someone in your life waiting on a phone call from you.  At this point, he went into the normal rage at being called out over something.  Yep, I'm crazy, paranoid, untrusting.  Ah, no, I am not.  I am expecting the respect I deserve.  End of conversation.  End of our attempt to "date".  This was the first time I truly went NC.
He attempted after that to get my help with a paper, with his computer and played many games.  A couple more times I fell off the NC wagon and regretted it.  We didn't talk again until I needed to contact him.  I needed some information from him for my school paperwork - to show I am once again a single mom.  He wouldn't provide it.  Refused to do so.  I was furious, but what can you do.  In the end, it worked out because the financial office said, well, since your tax return shows he made under $2000 last year, it will be good because it shows you supported four people last year instead of three.  Whew.
Ironically, he called me just ten days later needing a copy of the tax return for his school paperwork!!  I said, I am sorry I can't provide that, but I am sure you can contact the IRS and get a copy.  Wow!  You wanna talk about an N rage.  My phone was blowing up like an atomic bomb!  I ignored it.  I was done, but boy was I hurting.  I almost checked myself into the psych ward of the hospital on several occasions.  The only thing stopping me the lack of those who can take care of my kids.  I was the biggest mess.  All those obsessive thoughts, all those tears. 
I didn't talk to him again until a couple of months later.  I came to my parents house and he was there.  God, he did thousands in remodeling for my parents for free.  I tried to avoid the property the best I could.  He talked to me a bit, asked me about this case I was helping a friend with (the guy in the car, actually).  I told him briefly what was going on.  AND can you believe this SHIT, he said, "I don't want you helping this guy with his case. You are still my wife"  Hello??  Ah, no, I might still be your wife legally, but truth is, I've never really been your wife.  I have been absolutely nothing to you.  Thank you, very much.
Another couple months no contact.  He had text and said he was a few blocks away and wondered if he could stop by and get some of "our" mint out of the garden.  Weak moment, wanting to actually test myself and see if I could handle it...yeah, I think that was it.  I was wanting to dangle the carrot in front of my face and see how well I could handle it because I was starting to feel strong again.  He stopped by.  We ended up having polite conversation for an hour or so about the garden, that he would come by and get some roots so he wouldn't have to bother me in the future, that he had these trims for the remodel that he would drop by when he got the roots.  Just as he was leaving, car door already opened, the guy came by to have me look at some documents from the court (that court date was the next Thursday).  Immediately, the N stops his leaving progress, walks up to me and says "I want that divorce RIGHT NOW".  Excuse me, it's a Sunday.  Oh no, he insists.  I'm thinking the best thing to do is go along, so I go inside to the free legal aide site for our state and print out a copy of the free divorce package.  He is reading over it.  The entire time he is running his mouth shit about me.  I am getting more and more irritated, but doing my best to remain silent.  Then he won't sign those papers because he didn't make life intolerable.  I am trying to explain to him it is the nicest wording in our state.  Oh no, he's not going to do that becuase he is a victim of my crazy ass yada, yada, yada.  Well, my fuse blew.  That was it.  I told him to get off my property (which my parents own).  So, he laughs his ass off.  I knew...so I said, okay, you want it that way, get off my parents property.  You can get your own papers and have me served like everyone else in the world does.  This is enough.  He's still pushing.  Then, I really lost it, told him I was damned glad I didn't have a weapon in the house because I sincerely wanted to kill him.  Having accomplished his goal of truly making me lose it and look crazy as hell, he went.  While I was at the door gesturing him out.  He kicked the shit out of me on the way out (later saying he was trying to kick the screen door closed).  Whatever, even if that was true, he would have kicked it into my face!  He then called several people, including my family, to tell them I was drunk at noon.  Such bullshit.  He knows I was drinking a bottled water the entire time we had sat there talking!!!
He did draw up divorce papers.  He did drop them by the property.  I went and signed them in front of the appropriate notaries and witnesses.  He picked them back up and said he would file them that Monday.  I did see him one last time.  I didn't want to pay property tax on the vehicles that truly came from my family and he hadn't paid for (excepting the remodeling work, of course), so we arranged to meet outside the mosque in the parking lot to sign over vehicles, take care of remaining paperwork.  It went well.  We signed, it was all good.  I was going to just walk off.  And he burst into tears, sobs...oh my.  He grabbed me and gave me a hug, said I really do love you, I always have.  I told him that he had the power, like always, he was holding the divorce papers and to call if he needed to talk (another guilt moment...yuck) I told him I had loved him too and again start to walk off.  He comes after me, catches me at the car and asked if I had a cigarette.  He's still sobbing, shaking.  He asked me if I was going to go in for prayers (it was almost that time).  I said, no, I am going home and will pray with the kids.  He said he wasn't going in, either, was too dirty from work.  I left.
OMG - this was just a huge show for our religious community.  I know now that after his arrest, he went to the mosque crying to them about his drunken wife getting him arrested.  I know now that some guys found him shaking, crying so uncontrollably that they didn't want him to drive and forced him to come on into the mosque after I left.  Oh yeah, I know...because I started getting calls from concerned sisters that were going to help me into AA meetings!!!
He did call me.  It was our very last conversation.  He talked, a LOT.  I stayed mainly quiet just listening.  This was all the kicker.  He talked about the cabin, the beginning of that week, sending me flowers and how he had decided at that time that I HAD PROVEN I LOVED HIM (finally???) and he was going to settle down and truly start living a more married life.  That I had blown all that with my behaviors and inability to trust.  And yes, all these issues came from my past.  On and on he went making it all my fault, my issues, my deal while he had sincerely been trying. He then told me that he had been with better women than me (oh yeah? so why aren't you still with them?).  Then he told me that I just wasn't his vision.  At that point, I had listened to enough.  I told him, yes, I know I am not your vision.  Truth is, I never was your vision and that's all I needed to know.  Good-bye.  Then, I again, sobbed the night away.  But, I woke up better, knowing that is about as close to closure as you can get with one of these creatures.
It took another 8 months for him to actually file.  Yeah, I guess he did expect me to come begging (I get that feeling from his conversation right before the divorce with my cousin).  It was final in December.  I am working on year two of the end of the end now.  I'm getting there.  I'm getting back to me.  I kind of feel like I've been writing a last testament of that period of my life.