Waving the white flag
This is it.... I can't do it anymore and I can admit that much. I never imagined admitting defeat (or failure) would be so difficult. The 4 hr shift at work yesterday left me in horrible pain. OH not a 10 or anything but that point where you can no longer think or concentrate (for me an 8) with shooting pain that is much worse but short lived. And I tolerated that level of pain for almost 3 hrs before I finally went home. Somehow I feel like I should be able to tolerate this, that I shouldn't be backing down. I feel like a baby for giving up. My first family doctor when I got hurt originally refused to prescribe pain meds and said I just need to 'learn to live with it', maybe her words are still stuck in there.
I have learned to live with a certain amount of pain. An average day is around 5 give or take a point. How much pain is reasonable? How hard should I push to keep going? When is it ok to stop and say I've had enough? My mind is telling me 'never'. Though of course there is a logical side to me that says 'don't be so ridiculous, stop already'. It feels like I just barely started trying to work and I have to cop out so soon. I was just starting to enjoy the social interaction, I'll have to do something about that. My bf is not a very social person so I'll be on my own with that.
I need some help, someone to talk to to make sure I'm doing the right thing. My whole life I've had a horrible guilt complex. I remember feeling like I was lying even when I was telling the truth. I doubted myself so much I couldn't even convince myself when I knew what the truth was. This is kind of the same. I know I'm in pain but part of me wonders if I am just exaggerating and it really isn't as bad as I think it is. Who can tell? I feel like I'm going to be 'found out', like some doctor is going to say 'you're not in pain, who are you trying to kid'. My bf knows me the best and he knows when I'm in pain. Logically and physically I know I'm definitely in pain, I'm just unsure of my decision. This is alot harder than i ever imagined.
I wonder what people will think I guess. And I also wonder what I'll do for the rest of my life. I'm only 44 that could be a long time. I also worry about my income. I have my employers disability insurance that is good until I'm 75 but the thought occurred to me - will it stay at the same level for the next 30 years? It may seem like a reasonable income now but surely not by then, and that's if the company doesn't go under or something stupid like that. I know, I'm worrying way too much and thinking way too far ahead I'm just trying to figure out what will happen to me. I live alone, I am the only income in my home and I can't imagine having to live with someone else, family or otherwise, just to make ends meet. I'm very independent. I can live with the house being less than spotless easier than having to share my space with someone, especially family.
I am going to look up the number for my employer's mental health hotline. They will talk to me, email or even hook me up with a local therapist to see in person. I have to talk to someone who is not involved. I see my doctor next friday and I need to know what is going on by then.
I have learned to live with a certain amount of pain. An average day is around 5 give or take a point. How much pain is reasonable? How hard should I push to keep going? When is it ok to stop and say I've had enough? My mind is telling me 'never'. Though of course there is a logical side to me that says 'don't be so ridiculous, stop already'. It feels like I just barely started trying to work and I have to cop out so soon. I was just starting to enjoy the social interaction, I'll have to do something about that. My bf is not a very social person so I'll be on my own with that.
I need some help, someone to talk to to make sure I'm doing the right thing. My whole life I've had a horrible guilt complex. I remember feeling like I was lying even when I was telling the truth. I doubted myself so much I couldn't even convince myself when I knew what the truth was. This is kind of the same. I know I'm in pain but part of me wonders if I am just exaggerating and it really isn't as bad as I think it is. Who can tell? I feel like I'm going to be 'found out', like some doctor is going to say 'you're not in pain, who are you trying to kid'. My bf knows me the best and he knows when I'm in pain. Logically and physically I know I'm definitely in pain, I'm just unsure of my decision. This is alot harder than i ever imagined.
I wonder what people will think I guess. And I also wonder what I'll do for the rest of my life. I'm only 44 that could be a long time. I also worry about my income. I have my employers disability insurance that is good until I'm 75 but the thought occurred to me - will it stay at the same level for the next 30 years? It may seem like a reasonable income now but surely not by then, and that's if the company doesn't go under or something stupid like that. I know, I'm worrying way too much and thinking way too far ahead I'm just trying to figure out what will happen to me. I live alone, I am the only income in my home and I can't imagine having to live with someone else, family or otherwise, just to make ends meet. I'm very independent. I can live with the house being less than spotless easier than having to share my space with someone, especially family.
I am going to look up the number for my employer's mental health hotline. They will talk to me, email or even hook me up with a local therapist to see in person. I have to talk to someone who is not involved. I see my doctor next friday and I need to know what is going on by then.
Replies
Lisa,
Call Neil Hall, a Bowtech therapist. 325-676-9227 This is a technique that an Aussie created to help chronically in pain atheletes. This a non invasive procedure that tell the body to heal the affected area. It also does not need any drugs!!!! It has taken me from a 10 to a 5 in only 3 months.
I too, live alone, like my home spotless and hate having to ask anyone for help. I struggle but have insured my continueing independence.
Remember, there is no shame in giving up. Only in quitting for good. I quit all the time. then get up and go back to fighting, its all I know. Best of luck. Eric
I\'m here for you Lisa. I know your fighting spirit will pull you through. You\'re not a quitter. You just need time to do what\'s best for you at this time. With the right help I believe you will. Sometimes it takes a while to find it, everyone seems to think they know what we feel and what we go through, but the reality is that only you know what you feel and how it impacts your life. You\'re in my thoughts ALWAYS. Take care. Hugs xxx