Warning: Venting, Whining and Sad about IF
First off, I want to congratulate everyone who has been sharing such awesome news - DS is really blowing up with it and its amazing and long overdue! I also want to warn you that this journal will probably be depressing and you might not want to read it, especially if you are on your BFP high - this journal might just bring you down. And I'm serious, if you don't want to read and/or comment, it's ok, I really just need to vent. Sorry, I know all I do in my journals since my miscarriage is spew out negativity and sadness.
Work is slow right now so I've had a lot of time on my hands to be on DS and of course to also think of IF, my recent mc and my life. I'm very unhappy these days, and feel very very lost. I feel so lost and really have no clue on where to even look for a map to help me find my way. I feel like my life really isn't and hasn't worked out so great for me so far. I work in a job that is ok, not very fulfilling but I am good at it and I have a great boss and a TON of flexibility, which I always thought was the best perk for all the IF treatments and for being a working mom. Well, looks like treatment days are over and I might not be a mom. We struggle financially, which only makes things worse. I turned 44 2 months ago, and I'm so far from acheiving so many of my life goals, mostly of having a child. And time has pretty much run out (or so I feel) because getting pregnant at 44 when we couldn't do it on our own, with endometriosis and with no money left for IVF, well, game kinda over. And things have only gotten worse....last year at this time I was sooo sad and so lost and vowed that by this time this year, things would be VERY different. Well, after spending most of 2013 at my RE's office, all I have to show is a lot of bills, a few failed cycles and a miscarriage. So no, I'm no closer now than I was in November 2012. And its worse because more of my relationships have suffered, I've had more isolation and lonliness, and the icing on the shitty infertility cake is that I'm pissed at even more people in my life for the lack of compassion they've shown since my mc. So here I find myself at 44, childless, in a dead end job, broke and wondering what's next?? The silver lining is my wonderful DH that I'm extremely grateful for. IF has actually strengthened our marriage which I know is a blessing considering it can rip apart so many marriages.
I am dreading the holidays and am wondering how to cope. I'm dreading the day I hear the news of my new SIL and BIL pregnancy announcement. There is so much I can whine about, so many things I can complain about since infertility has sucked the life out of me and changed me in ways where I hardly recognize myself. I hate that. I want myself back and I want my positivity back and I want to look forward to living my life and enjoying it again. I just don't know quite how to get there. For now, I'll end this journal. I am in self-pity mode and I'm getting to the point where I can't even listen to myself anymore!!!
If you are still reading this, bless your heart.....I know this was not an easy journal to read and I really appreciate that you are still here.
Love to all xoxoxo
Work is slow right now so I've had a lot of time on my hands to be on DS and of course to also think of IF, my recent mc and my life. I'm very unhappy these days, and feel very very lost. I feel so lost and really have no clue on where to even look for a map to help me find my way. I feel like my life really isn't and hasn't worked out so great for me so far. I work in a job that is ok, not very fulfilling but I am good at it and I have a great boss and a TON of flexibility, which I always thought was the best perk for all the IF treatments and for being a working mom. Well, looks like treatment days are over and I might not be a mom. We struggle financially, which only makes things worse. I turned 44 2 months ago, and I'm so far from acheiving so many of my life goals, mostly of having a child. And time has pretty much run out (or so I feel) because getting pregnant at 44 when we couldn't do it on our own, with endometriosis and with no money left for IVF, well, game kinda over. And things have only gotten worse....last year at this time I was sooo sad and so lost and vowed that by this time this year, things would be VERY different. Well, after spending most of 2013 at my RE's office, all I have to show is a lot of bills, a few failed cycles and a miscarriage. So no, I'm no closer now than I was in November 2012. And its worse because more of my relationships have suffered, I've had more isolation and lonliness, and the icing on the shitty infertility cake is that I'm pissed at even more people in my life for the lack of compassion they've shown since my mc. So here I find myself at 44, childless, in a dead end job, broke and wondering what's next?? The silver lining is my wonderful DH that I'm extremely grateful for. IF has actually strengthened our marriage which I know is a blessing considering it can rip apart so many marriages.
I am dreading the holidays and am wondering how to cope. I'm dreading the day I hear the news of my new SIL and BIL pregnancy announcement. There is so much I can whine about, so many things I can complain about since infertility has sucked the life out of me and changed me in ways where I hardly recognize myself. I hate that. I want myself back and I want my positivity back and I want to look forward to living my life and enjoying it again. I just don't know quite how to get there. For now, I'll end this journal. I am in self-pity mode and I'm getting to the point where I can't even listen to myself anymore!!!
If you are still reading this, bless your heart.....I know this was not an easy journal to read and I really appreciate that you are still here.
Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
Vent away, we know how you feel. It\'s healing to write and it good to know we are not alone in this. The holidays are hard, maybe try a mini-cation to get away from everything. Hugs!
So sorry! This is the best place for venting though, so don\'t apologize. Thinking of you...hugs!!!
No apologies needed. I appreciate your candor. I also see many parallels in our journey and can relate. Take it day by day. Build on the strength of your marriage and cut yourself some slack - you are reacting very natural to an extremely UN natural situation. I have some other thoughts and will friend / message you.
Sending you big, big hugs....all this crap hurts so much at times that it\'s hard to get out of the dark hole. I am feeling quite overwhelmed myself as the holidays approach. I\'m here for you...xoxo
I\'m still here... such a poignant journal, I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now and that infertility is so shitty - big hugs! I am dreading the stupid holidays too! XO
Ugh, IF is such a cunt!! No one deserves to feel the way you\'re feeling right now. I\'ve never had to experience the loss that you have, but there was a very dark period in my life too. I\'m sure we\'ve all had at least one. For several years it seemed like life was out to destroy me. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, just infinite darkness and sadness. It was the worst time in my life, and it seemed to go on forever. To this day, I\'m still looking over my shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like you, I lost a lot of friends and many relationships were strained. DH and I luckily became stronger through it all as well. That has been about the only thing that\'s kept me going some days.
It took such a long time, but eventually, the sun did come back out. Things finally started to turn around. Slowly there started to be more happiness in our lives and we found things to look forward to. We\'re still hesitant to say that we are out of the woods, because we are afraid to let our guard down in the event that this is just a test, and it\'s not really over yet. But we enjoy each day as it comes, and try not to think about what could go wrong. It\'s so hard to come out of such a funk, but it can happen. All you can do is be patient and remind yourself that it has to get better.
Hang in there, doll. You\'ll get there eventually. Maybe plan a vacation (even just a small weekend getaway). It will give you something to look forward to, and maybe bring a little spark of happy back to your life. Just a suggestion. :) Love and hugs, babe.
Huge hugs. I\'m sorry it\'s such a bummer journal entry. BTW this journal entry is not as negative as you let on. I found it well intentioned and insightful into how you really feel. Hats off to you for expressing that raw emotion. Now for the words of encouragement. ok, you hit bottom. 2013 sucked. now that thanksgiving is here, sounds like a great time to pick yourself up and set a new goal - something - anything - that is easily obtainable and will make you happy. Adopt a pet? vacation to a spa resort? or a couples only resort? After my miscarriage we went to Sandals because I stared childless in the face and wanted to see the perks of being kidless (weird, eh?). You can too. This is hard, and please do continue to vent and curse the BFP\'s because you deserve to be allowed to do that. Without showing that emotion would be...more painful than not. Huge hugs.