Warning: Venting, Whining and Sad about IF
First off, I want to congratulate everyone who has been sharing such awesome news - DS is really blowing up with it and its amazing and long overdue! I also want to warn you that this journal will probably be depressing and you might not want to read it, especially if you are on your BFP high - this journal might just bring you down. And I'm serious, if you don't want to read and/or comment, it's ok, I really just need to vent. Sorry, I know all I do in my journals since my miscarriage is spew out negativity and sadness.
Work is slow right now so I've had a lot of time on my hands to be on DS and of course to also think of IF, my recent mc and my life. I'm very unhappy these days, and feel very very lost. I feel so lost and really have no clue on where to even look for a map to help me find my way. I feel like my life really isn't and hasn't worked out so great for me so far. I work in a job that is ok, not very fulfilling but I am good at it and I have a great boss and a TON of flexibility, which I always thought was the best perk for all the IF treatments and for being a working mom. Well, looks like treatment days are over and I might not be a mom. We struggle financially, which only makes things worse. I turned 44 2 months ago, and I'm so far from acheiving so many of my life goals, mostly of having a child. And time has pretty much run out (or so I feel) because getting pregnant at 44 when we couldn't do it on our own, with endometriosis and with no money left for IVF, well, game kinda over. And things have only gotten worse....last year at this time I was sooo sad and so lost and vowed that by this time this year, things would be VERY different. Well, after spending most of 2013 at my RE's office, all I have to show is a lot of bills, a few failed cycles and a miscarriage. So no, I'm no closer now than I was in November 2012. And its worse because more of my relationships have suffered, I've had more isolation and lonliness, and the icing on the shitty infertility cake is that I'm pissed at even more people in my life for the lack of compassion they've shown since my mc. So here I find myself at 44, childless, in a dead end job, broke and wondering what's next?? The silver lining is my wonderful DH that I'm extremely grateful for. IF has actually strengthened our marriage which I know is a blessing considering it can rip apart so many marriages.
I am dreading the holidays and am wondering how to cope. I'm dreading the day I hear the news of my new SIL and BIL pregnancy announcement. There is so much I can whine about, so many things I can complain about since infertility has sucked the life out of me and changed me in ways where I hardly recognize myself. I hate that. I want myself back and I want my positivity back and I want to look forward to living my life and enjoying it again. I just don't know quite how to get there. For now, I'll end this journal. I am in self-pity mode and I'm getting to the point where I can't even listen to myself anymore!!!
If you are still reading this, bless your heart.....I know this was not an easy journal to read and I really appreciate that you are still here.
Love to all xoxoxo
Work is slow right now so I've had a lot of time on my hands to be on DS and of course to also think of IF, my recent mc and my life. I'm very unhappy these days, and feel very very lost. I feel so lost and really have no clue on where to even look for a map to help me find my way. I feel like my life really isn't and hasn't worked out so great for me so far. I work in a job that is ok, not very fulfilling but I am good at it and I have a great boss and a TON of flexibility, which I always thought was the best perk for all the IF treatments and for being a working mom. Well, looks like treatment days are over and I might not be a mom. We struggle financially, which only makes things worse. I turned 44 2 months ago, and I'm so far from acheiving so many of my life goals, mostly of having a child. And time has pretty much run out (or so I feel) because getting pregnant at 44 when we couldn't do it on our own, with endometriosis and with no money left for IVF, well, game kinda over. And things have only gotten worse....last year at this time I was sooo sad and so lost and vowed that by this time this year, things would be VERY different. Well, after spending most of 2013 at my RE's office, all I have to show is a lot of bills, a few failed cycles and a miscarriage. So no, I'm no closer now than I was in November 2012. And its worse because more of my relationships have suffered, I've had more isolation and lonliness, and the icing on the shitty infertility cake is that I'm pissed at even more people in my life for the lack of compassion they've shown since my mc. So here I find myself at 44, childless, in a dead end job, broke and wondering what's next?? The silver lining is my wonderful DH that I'm extremely grateful for. IF has actually strengthened our marriage which I know is a blessing considering it can rip apart so many marriages.
I am dreading the holidays and am wondering how to cope. I'm dreading the day I hear the news of my new SIL and BIL pregnancy announcement. There is so much I can whine about, so many things I can complain about since infertility has sucked the life out of me and changed me in ways where I hardly recognize myself. I hate that. I want myself back and I want my positivity back and I want to look forward to living my life and enjoying it again. I just don't know quite how to get there. For now, I'll end this journal. I am in self-pity mode and I'm getting to the point where I can't even listen to myself anymore!!!
If you are still reading this, bless your heart.....I know this was not an easy journal to read and I really appreciate that you are still here.
Love to all xoxoxo
Replies
I just re-read my journal.....yikes.....what a Monday morning buzzkill I am....
So sorry you are going through this. IF sucks and is such a tough journey. I walked it for 8 years. When I had my loss earlier this year I too felt lost. I took the advice of an old mentor who said to not rehearse overwhelm, but rehearse focus. So I took things one day at a time and slowly focused my energy on positive goals. Eventually I slowly started to find clarity. I also surrounded myself with people who added value to my life and tried to focus not on the lack, but on the blessings. I\'m so glad you have a wonderful DH who is supportive during this time. Hugs.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Big hug
I felt the same way after my MC. All I can tell you is we have to grab ourselves from our bootstraps and carry on. At 44 I think there are still choices for you (DE or Embryo Adoption or even a foster adoption), but I can understand your POV. I\'ve learned that being happy is a decision we need to make and It takes a while to grieve over the MC. I also learned not to care or let my happiness be affected by how other people reacted - you will always be hurt and disappointed that way.
Vent away - that\'s what DS and us are here for. You have every right to feel like you do, just don\'t get stuck here.
HUGS.
I\'m so sorry you\'re feeling this way. I think Mag and Abov have great points. You absolutely have every right to feel like this, but I am hopeful that with DH\'s help you can get unstuck soon. Thinking about you :)
Oh hun, I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I am not going to sugar coat it, the first holidays after a mc kind of suck, especially if you let it. So know they are going to suck and try to focus on the positives you do have, like that amazing DH of yours! We are here for you, so vent away! Big hugs XOXO
It\'s so hard! We all have a plan in our minds of where we want to be at various stages, milestones we want to hit...and then we get in the car to go and something like IF rips the map out of our hands, blows it out the window, and we find ourselves on some weird side road through the desert. Scared, nervous, unsure. Totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and not knowing how long it will take to reach our destinations. I guess, with this metaphor, you have a few options. You can go forward, cautious and watchful, and slowly put your foot on the pedal to see what happens next. You can say \"to hell with it\" and go balls to the wall forward into whatever\'s over the horizon. Or you can put on the parking break and let your tires stick in the sand and refuse to go anywhere. All have their benefits and drawbacks. I guess it just depends on how you feel. Maybe you\'ll do all three at some point. Just don\'t get out of the car. You have places to be!
Holidays are always terrible. Thinking of the milestones and the what ifs. I feel for you. I hope u are able to find some way to get your spirits back quickly :) keep your head up
So sorry your feeling like this, but so understandable! Like LMWT said, the first holidays do suck, kind of no way around that. I was freaking miserable last Christmas and I almost lost my shit on Thanksgiving too, ended up crying in the bathroom. I hope that you are able to lift your spirits and enjoy, but we are here for you no matter what you are feeling or going through. xo
I am so sorry you are struggling and you do have every right to feel blah, sad, angry, depressed, etc. But I hope you will choose not to stay in that state for too long. Happiness is a choice, its not the easy choice and it doesn\'t always seem like the right choice but the more you choose it and the more you remind yourself of the blessings in your life the better the world will appear to be. It won\'t change the facts and it won\'t magically be all better but it might make your days a bit less miserable, which is good!
Please know that you are always free to vent and share here, this is your safe place and we want to support you and encourage you in any way we can.
This time of year is so tough for many people, including myself. I feel for you friend and will be praying for you XOXO
Oh sweetie. I hate reading that this is how you are feeling. I know that feeling of so desperately wanting to be myself again. All I can say is that you need to continue to focus on what you have - a strong healthy marriage - that really is a blessing that you can say this experience has brought you closer.
There is very little I can do - other than read and hear your vents - and let you know you have a friend (me) who thinks of you daily and always says a prayer for you.
I am also going to go buy a lottery ticket for us today! ;)
Hang in there. So much love being sent your way today and always! xoxoxo
Never apologize for your feelings, it\'s totally expected for you to feel the way that you do with all the hardships you\'ve had to endure with IF. I think all of us feel dark and lonely inside and hiding that everyday behind a smile at work, around family and friends can just be exhausting at times. That\'s why you need to write about this so you can heal. I know you probably don\'t beleive this now but you are healing at this very moment you are writing this. I don\'t know how, but I have a feeling that you will find yourself again after this and that you will be able to find happiness, whether that be with a child or with your amazing husband (I\'m hoping both!). IF is so isolating and makes us all feel so helpless. I know that you feel like you are older but the advice and courageous words I get is from a woman here at my job who finally had her babies at 46. She had multiple MC\'s and IVF\'s. Unfortunately we all can\'t afford that and the emotional roller coaster is really a bit&%. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everyday gets a little brighter.
Please never apologize for the way you are feeling or for venting in a journal, that\'s what it\'s there for, and we are all here for you.
Just yesterday I was thinking of how wonderful it would be if there was a drug or treatment that could make us forget things, such as our IF journies. We\'ve all been through too much, so much pain amongst such an amazing group of women. And amazing you are. You are kind, caring and loving. A great wife and friend. You don\'t deserve any of this. I am so sorry that you are feeling how you are feeling.
I wish I knew some answers, a way to make it all better. My only advice is to do something special for yourself every day, see a therapist and take it one day at a time. I am here for you.
So sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, I think all us ladies have been here at one point in time. Please feel free to vent away, that is what we are here for. I know there is not much to say that will make you feel better, but I hope soon that you are able to find some peace and get back to the person you once were. Sending many hugs and prayers your way......
Oh honey I\'m so sorry that you are feeling so low and let\'s say it we are all happy when DS sisters get good news but it\'s also hard to take when your in a bad place. This can be so true after a mc and I think even harder for you because you are right TTC is an age limited thing. I think you are also being to hard on yourself. Please complain, vent and share away. We are all on DS to get support and yes that means that most of the times things aren\'t going to be all rosy. I wish we could help more but I think at this point you need to figure out what your next steps will be. It might be with your re or a therapist or something else that can work for you. I\'m so glad that DH is there for you and that IF has shown you how wonderful your relationship is.
You are in my thoughts.
xoxo