Warning: Triggers..

I think about death far too often... What happens to us after death? How does it feel to die? It's become more of an obsession lately. The curiosity drives me insane... Sometimes I'm not really even upset when I think about it.. Sometimes I just really want to know.. What is it like to take your last breath? How does it feel to pull that trigger? How does it feel when your lungs fill with water?  
Sometimes I am tempted to try these things simply because I want to know how it feels... My head turns everything into a way to die... At times death was the only thought that gave me any comfort.. At night, all alone, laying in bed, trying to hold back tears, trying to remind myself that I am breathing fine.. Telling myself repeatedly.. "Just breathe..." Praying to god to just let  it end.. My head is such a strange place to be.. When did death become more comforting than living? When did not eating become more comforting than a nice hot meal? When did all my dreams, hopes, wants, needs become... So pointless?? I don't even want a future anymore... I try to get excited... But it all feels so pointless..? Like... Why? Continue living.. But for what? To stress people out? To go visit a place... To find death..? To continue to hurt everyone i care about? All I've been able to take comfort in.. All i've bee able to accomplish.. Is simply my own self-destruction..... 
I never thought I could miss something as much as I miss the feelling of a blade against my skin.. The taste of alcohol.. The weight of a gun in hand..  The feeling of having taken close to 1/4 of a bottle of melatonin and sleeping for almost 24hrs straight... I can remember the first time i had decided I was going to kill myself.. I broke up with one of the few decent, not good, but decent guys I've dated... I took a long shower... I cried... I stole a knife from the kitchen.. No matter how hard I tried... I couldn't seem to cut deep enough.... It didn't even hurt... It's like getting your ears pierced... Or a shot.. Hurts for a moment and then.. Nothing.. The entire world disappears... Nothing can hurt me in that moment.. I feel.. Nothing... Just empty... I miss it.. I miss it so much it hurts... I'd take weeks of healing, the risk of death, anything... For just that one moment of feeling nothing.. Because all the blood, scars or even death is worth it.. Because for one small moment.. I can breathe.... At some point it became my security blanket.. I have gone for decent periods of time without it.. I turned to journals, websites like this, drawing, video games. But in the end, it always sucks me back in with it's promises of oxygen and a moment of peace.  
My mind has become my most toxic enemy...  I'm stuck in this dark hole that I can't seem to get out of... Being drowned in constant reminders that I destroy everything I touch... My head, flooded with thoughts of suicide, self harm and the faint voices reminding me that I hurt everyone I care about.. I mess everything up.. I will never be good enough.. I will never make it...  I'm not pretty enough.. I'm not smart enough.. No one will love a girl like me.. No one could ever want me... It all replays over and over, minute after minute, day after day... Until I finally break...  I have my good days, don't get me wrong, but even then, I catch myself wondering... How long til everyone remembers how fucked up and unattractive I am...? How is anyone supposed to like me, let alone love me, when I can't even like myself...? I don't feel like I am meant to be here.. I feel as though I'm just passing through... Watching everyone and everything go by.. And I'm stuck, frozen in place.. Unable to move. Unable to breathe..  Drowning in my own thoughts and memories... I find it hard to imagine a future when I'm still lost in my present... I'm a lost cause.. A disaster...  And I am just soo tired.... I have very little fight left in me...