Warning: Trigger Entry
This came out in my private journal this morning...only I just don't feel it should be so private. I have to warn everyone that this does involve a trigger, however inadvertent it was.
So last night over a couple of rounds of Rack-O my dad got into one of his occasional moods. His trigger was about a younger brother of mine, whose band was considering purchasing a van with kinda minimal input (let's just say said band is very unknown for a reason). He was just upset about that.
As he was letting his feelings out he also conceded that he felt the some $60K we coughed up in tuition when I went to Suffolk University was essentially thrown away, making a gesture to that end.
Now, let's be honest, there was nothing to say in response to that. That observation was astute and correct, and I really can't argue with it because I allowed that to happen. That's where the trigger comes in.
Because by the time I was supposed to be considering colleges, I had basically reached the point where my suspicion that the world was out to get me had essentially been confirmed. I'd experienced enough trauma disruptions by then -- the smoke bombing, the countless number of fire alarms pulled, the watermelon that nearly crushed a student on the skull, the soon-to-happen scavenger hunt that did $20K in damage by conservative estimate to city property -- and the apparent inaction on a discipline front that followed them -- that I just didn't trust anyone anymore. I didn't care. There was just no point is discussing what I wanted to do with my life because I was convinced no one would listen.
There was no motivation to seek counseling because my trust in people was permanently damaged.
The emotional scars were already there for life...and I knew it. And yet...nothing I could do about it.
There was virtually no point in going in as an undeclared major because it felt like it would take 20 years to heal enough just to even have a partial clue as to what I wanted.
My attitude was no much "whatever" that it just felt like nothing mattered. It was just easier to throw entire years away than to figure out what went wrong.
And that's exactly why it feels so bad. Even if I do get back on track career wise, I threw away enough years of life -- around 13 by my count -- to be essentially convinced that I threw out the prime out of my life. They're years I'll never get back. The sad thing is that I really want them back...
...I want them back so badly...
:'(
So last night over a couple of rounds of Rack-O my dad got into one of his occasional moods. His trigger was about a younger brother of mine, whose band was considering purchasing a van with kinda minimal input (let's just say said band is very unknown for a reason). He was just upset about that.
As he was letting his feelings out he also conceded that he felt the some $60K we coughed up in tuition when I went to Suffolk University was essentially thrown away, making a gesture to that end.
Now, let's be honest, there was nothing to say in response to that. That observation was astute and correct, and I really can't argue with it because I allowed that to happen. That's where the trigger comes in.
Because by the time I was supposed to be considering colleges, I had basically reached the point where my suspicion that the world was out to get me had essentially been confirmed. I'd experienced enough trauma disruptions by then -- the smoke bombing, the countless number of fire alarms pulled, the watermelon that nearly crushed a student on the skull, the soon-to-happen scavenger hunt that did $20K in damage by conservative estimate to city property -- and the apparent inaction on a discipline front that followed them -- that I just didn't trust anyone anymore. I didn't care. There was just no point is discussing what I wanted to do with my life because I was convinced no one would listen.
There was no motivation to seek counseling because my trust in people was permanently damaged.
The emotional scars were already there for life...and I knew it. And yet...nothing I could do about it.
There was virtually no point in going in as an undeclared major because it felt like it would take 20 years to heal enough just to even have a partial clue as to what I wanted.
My attitude was no much "whatever" that it just felt like nothing mattered. It was just easier to throw entire years away than to figure out what went wrong.
And that's exactly why it feels so bad. Even if I do get back on track career wise, I threw away enough years of life -- around 13 by my count -- to be essentially convinced that I threw out the prime out of my life. They're years I'll never get back. The sad thing is that I really want them back...
...I want them back so badly...
:'(
Replies
Sweetheart,
Please don\'t punish yourself for something that you had no control over.
It was not your fault back then, and it is not your fault now.
Your life can begin anew TODAY!!! Those lost years are gone, but your life has so many wonderful new days to look forward to.
My \"Life\" did not begin until I was 49 years old. That was when I found peace with my past. I had lots of happy days throughout my life. BUT, my true, clear, unencumbered HAPPINESS only began 2 and a half years ago.
I have to let go of all the years that I cannot get back.
But Honey, This Life, The one I have now..........Is Wonderful :-)
Yours can be wonderful Too!!!!!!!!
Happy Easter Sweetheart
Diane