Warning- excessive use of foul language! Enter at your own risk.
I wrote a long explanation of how I was feeling yesterday and - of course- it got deleted. Not the first time that has happened unfortunately. Anyway- I feel broken, depressed, and this amazing need to self destruct. I FORCED myself to come to work today b/c I have something important going on tomorrow and things just have to be taken care of. My goal is to have this business grow- and in order to do that I can't keep allowing other's actions to debilitate me. My father is a mean miserable prick. He's a drunk, nasty, and generally derives pleasure from other's pain while he purports to be "on your side." It's bullshit. It always has been bullshit and it always will be bullshit.
The beginning--> I went over there Sunday and actually had the balls to tell him about giving up overeating. He started right away with his condescending shitty attitude and asked (while you read this try to imagine a tone of voice that clearly, unequivocally, lets the listener know what an utter piece of shit the speaker thinks them to be) "And how can anyone measure that?" Again- just the words alone dont do it justice- you really have to feel the level of disdain that was dripping from his voice- like I was a stupid child who has never had an intelligent thought. When I answered "well- you eat whatever you want and when your stomach says you're full, you stop eating." Its only fair to mention that my response was DRIPPING with sarcasm. However- I should also point out that it doesn't really matter what my voice is dripping with- b/c he doesn't give a shit AT ALL, EVER... NEVER. He doesn't care how much he hurts me, he never has. After that fun introduction he proceeded to tell me several gems of self loathing to take home with me
1. He believes that there are many things to get addicted to in this world, but food isn't one of them. Translation: you're a stupid crazy bitch who's feelings dont matter
2. Ooooh- this one is fun- he reminded me that I had once conquered the weight- he told me I should think back to that time in my life and remember how I felt at that point so I can strive to get back there. To that I responded that in those times I was also doing lots of drugs, beating the shit out of myself on a daily basis, there were times I didn't want to live, getting treated like I was absolutely nothing by every man I got with, etc. Of course, and this is the most special part, he didn't admit he was wrong for suggesting that. How I felt at any point in time in my life never mattered. fucking NEVER. All that ever matter was what I fucking looked like, what the outside picture was like. I could cry myself to sleep every night- as long as I was thin while I did it- I would be a fucking success in this twisted evil fucking horrible eyes. Once again the obvious Translation is: you're a stupid crazy bitch who's feelings dont matter.
Then there was the 3 or 4 fat jokes that he threw in for the rest of the afternoon. Just for fun, just to let me know how little I matter- just in case I was wondering- I really am just a stupid piece of shit, every idea I have regarding change and self treatment is wrong and stupid and I'm wrong and stupid for entertaining it. The answer is and always has been- to beat the ever loving fuck out of yourself. If that isn't working- well it's certainly not b/c its the wrong way of seeing things- NOT AT ALL! In fact, the only possible reason why beating the shit of yourself won't work to fix every problem in your life is if YOU AREN'T BEATING YOURSELF UP ENOUGH!!!! Simply try harder, deny yourself more- and if this makes you turn to drugs or men who treat you like you are absolutely nothing- well at least you can do so with a small waist line. B/c, after all- isn't that what its all about? Material and physical successes, shallowness, money- that's the answer to life. Feeling good about yourself- that's for rich, beautiful AND and successful people only. Additionally- anyone who feels good about themselves is sefish, arrogant, and only cares about themselves- unless of course you're beautiful and rich- then its cool.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I get it now. It's not about J or any other man I've been with that treated me like I'm nothing. No matter how hard I try to kick out all of the people that abuse me- I keep my dad there. And he's number one. NO ONE will ever abuse me more than him. J came really fucking close, closer than anyone has. And I understand now that if i don't deal with Abuser number #1 then every man after that will treat me the same way. I'll allow them to. Also, this wont be the last time I feel the need to self- destruct or to not face the day. I have to attack the foundation. That's where the cracks are. It doesn't matter how beautiful the house is that I build on top of it- it will crumble if it doesn't have a decent foundation.
I will fix those cracks. I know I can do it.
If I hadn't of given up binging for lent I wouldn't be writing this. I would be passed out after having consumed anywhere frm 1000 to 3000 calories. This would have been a good binge too- b/c I really felt horrible. This is exactly the way I felt when I broke up with J. I struggled with it daily. I am here b/c God is good. He has given me the strength I need to face these horrible demons. The shit ain't easy. Not by a long shot.
The beginning--> I went over there Sunday and actually had the balls to tell him about giving up overeating. He started right away with his condescending shitty attitude and asked (while you read this try to imagine a tone of voice that clearly, unequivocally, lets the listener know what an utter piece of shit the speaker thinks them to be) "And how can anyone measure that?" Again- just the words alone dont do it justice- you really have to feel the level of disdain that was dripping from his voice- like I was a stupid child who has never had an intelligent thought. When I answered "well- you eat whatever you want and when your stomach says you're full, you stop eating." Its only fair to mention that my response was DRIPPING with sarcasm. However- I should also point out that it doesn't really matter what my voice is dripping with- b/c he doesn't give a shit AT ALL, EVER... NEVER. He doesn't care how much he hurts me, he never has. After that fun introduction he proceeded to tell me several gems of self loathing to take home with me
1. He believes that there are many things to get addicted to in this world, but food isn't one of them. Translation: you're a stupid crazy bitch who's feelings dont matter
2. Ooooh- this one is fun- he reminded me that I had once conquered the weight- he told me I should think back to that time in my life and remember how I felt at that point so I can strive to get back there. To that I responded that in those times I was also doing lots of drugs, beating the shit out of myself on a daily basis, there were times I didn't want to live, getting treated like I was absolutely nothing by every man I got with, etc. Of course, and this is the most special part, he didn't admit he was wrong for suggesting that. How I felt at any point in time in my life never mattered. fucking NEVER. All that ever matter was what I fucking looked like, what the outside picture was like. I could cry myself to sleep every night- as long as I was thin while I did it- I would be a fucking success in this twisted evil fucking horrible eyes. Once again the obvious Translation is: you're a stupid crazy bitch who's feelings dont matter.
Then there was the 3 or 4 fat jokes that he threw in for the rest of the afternoon. Just for fun, just to let me know how little I matter- just in case I was wondering- I really am just a stupid piece of shit, every idea I have regarding change and self treatment is wrong and stupid and I'm wrong and stupid for entertaining it. The answer is and always has been- to beat the ever loving fuck out of yourself. If that isn't working- well it's certainly not b/c its the wrong way of seeing things- NOT AT ALL! In fact, the only possible reason why beating the shit of yourself won't work to fix every problem in your life is if YOU AREN'T BEATING YOURSELF UP ENOUGH!!!! Simply try harder, deny yourself more- and if this makes you turn to drugs or men who treat you like you are absolutely nothing- well at least you can do so with a small waist line. B/c, after all- isn't that what its all about? Material and physical successes, shallowness, money- that's the answer to life. Feeling good about yourself- that's for rich, beautiful AND and successful people only. Additionally- anyone who feels good about themselves is sefish, arrogant, and only cares about themselves- unless of course you're beautiful and rich- then its cool.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I get it now. It's not about J or any other man I've been with that treated me like I'm nothing. No matter how hard I try to kick out all of the people that abuse me- I keep my dad there. And he's number one. NO ONE will ever abuse me more than him. J came really fucking close, closer than anyone has. And I understand now that if i don't deal with Abuser number #1 then every man after that will treat me the same way. I'll allow them to. Also, this wont be the last time I feel the need to self- destruct or to not face the day. I have to attack the foundation. That's where the cracks are. It doesn't matter how beautiful the house is that I build on top of it- it will crumble if it doesn't have a decent foundation.
I will fix those cracks. I know I can do it.
If I hadn't of given up binging for lent I wouldn't be writing this. I would be passed out after having consumed anywhere frm 1000 to 3000 calories. This would have been a good binge too- b/c I really felt horrible. This is exactly the way I felt when I broke up with J. I struggled with it daily. I am here b/c God is good. He has given me the strength I need to face these horrible demons. The shit ain't easy. Not by a long shot.
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