Wanting something different and more
I’m looking forward to my therapist meeting tomorrow. I find my life and condition and fate and god have brought me here to the monastery. So much rumination to understand myself and the relationships around me both to keep my mind ‘in check’, to grow as a human being, interdependent, viably, all engendered feelings of and yearning of proving myself and finding peace. Right now I would just love to build my life again like I used to and make something beautiful with it. I think though I have to think about adjusting my sight and make a beautiful life here? Make some concessions of what that effort would be? I’m conscious of making things beautiful in a different way now too. I’ve grown and I know we all make compromises. Life isn't so simple now. It's about survival and my future as an aging person.
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I think almost it’s easier and more habitual to have a picture or associate someone else’s life and wax melancholy about my life, rather than really appreciating the effort I put in, that we each put in to creating our lives. That kind of appreciation I need to engender and it will motivate me as well to get things done.
There’s an emptiness in me that I want to fill. Boundaries bleed like watercolors and I realize I have to make my way and support the people around me in our ventures forward.
Big hug sweetie...It reads like you're feeling some depression??
I'm glad that you're going to be talking with your therapist tomorrow as well
Another hug and a blessing...xo
thanks jan! I am actually feeling better. I did feel mentally burdened today until I just kind of realized what the big issue was.
I realize my mental health issue does not make me unentitled to the things I want in life. I still have to fight for it - and a momentary lack
of footing means I just have to kick it into high gear to get back on me feet so to speak - (as in when I conduct the liturgy) it happens to everyone at some point. Things are good. I realize i can get tripped up sometimes - but again - I am just as entitled as the next guy -
and the sense of judgement I get from others when I make mistakes (like tonight I did something unwise and kind of inconsiderate - a bad judgment call) but I am not a total waste of space - I still have value... There has been such a focus on being bullet proof by me - because judgement flies and really - that alone used make me cower and go into my head - but I know we all go through sh*t like that.
the issue that set me off, i don't know if it's altogether important that I mention it.
I was in charge of taking the elderly Father Porphyrios to his room tonight.
The entrance to his room is at the back of the rectory which is accessible only through a dirt road.
There is melting snow and mud back there right now because it is raining. Father is very slow
moving and weak - but I thought it might be a better idea to walk him through the rectory
to his room - which would mean going down a flight of stairs to get there (the other possible
way of getting to his room) - something that he's
done before but is a challenge for him. Tonight he became disoriented as we made our way to the house
from my parked car and just then Holy Vicar drove up - and offered to take him (his car is a four wheel drive
SUV vs. my car which gets stuck in mud and snow very easily.) I felt the sting of judgement and falling short.
But I figured we all do stuff like that sometimes. I'll take him to his room next time.
Crazily I have found myself obsessing on this - and I am trying to shake it - I thought to write here -
and quite honestly I realized I think that I think I like having a mental project to focus on - and that is ok -
but it also gives me more agency and choice to choose one that I really can make something out of.
I was struggling because I had no boundary aside for feeling acceptance of that everyone falls short
sometimes and then it's the negative remorse was a more powerful focal point. I've had a taste
of positivity in my life now - and so I know I had to dig deep to find a focus - and realized I actually
like to puzzle about things - and this is just one of many projects I've had and so at last I feel
a kind of consciousness - and as I said - agency to choose how I am going to spend my time
working out or manifesting my energies.