Wanting more
Not really sure where else to put this, and I figured a journal entry is probably the best so here goes. As most of you guys know, this last year has been an interesting ride for me. A couple weeks ago marked the first year of me being separated, and 10 days after would of been 11 years had we still been together. Some of you also know that I struggle sometimes with MG, and it's complications. So there is where I am, and I am in need of some advice.
For the last month or so, I've been feeling slightly depressed. Not depressed as in crying, or being really moody, but more depressed as in feeling unfulfilled, and needing something more. I'm a bit sad, that I can't work, even though that is really old news, and I feel like I've hit a plateau. Aside from a few instances, I haven't fallen in months, my strength levels have been roughly 35-50% everyday, and even on my slow sluggish mornings where I'm not quite there, I progress a bit after resting and eating.
So overall, life is good for me. No major medical stuff. I'm happy being with my parents still, though as of late I have been pondering how I would move out eventually. I'm still very thankful to be out of the ex's life, and honestly am awaiting the divorce papers to show up. I'm still really close to all my friends, and still do my best to be active with them, which has been a bit more frequently as of the last month or so due to the weather change. Life is good.
So I am left wondering why I'm feeling this way. I'm not sure what more I can desire, without my limitations kicking in. I'm not really sure how to even remedy this feeling. I have been trying to set new goals for myself, but honestly I've run out of ideas. I'm still building on the ones I already have, and it isn't as if they are all done.
I think honestly I just want a bit more meaning in my life, and I have found over the years, I have struggled with this. It drives me nuts to feel this way, but I'm not sure how to fix it, aside from letting time pass and them fading away in a few months, after I realize there isn't much I can do, and accept my role in life again. Maybe, this year, I don't want to just accept it. Last year, I was completely broken, mangled and destroyed inside. This year, I'm fixed and am myself again, and I want to build on that, to become a better person.
So if you guys have any suggestions or anything, I'd be glad to hear them and try to apply them. There might not really be an answer, or a solution, but most of you guys are smart, and see the world differently then I do, and that is an invaluable asset to me. I find I get stuck sometimes with the same train of thought.
For the last month or so, I've been feeling slightly depressed. Not depressed as in crying, or being really moody, but more depressed as in feeling unfulfilled, and needing something more. I'm a bit sad, that I can't work, even though that is really old news, and I feel like I've hit a plateau. Aside from a few instances, I haven't fallen in months, my strength levels have been roughly 35-50% everyday, and even on my slow sluggish mornings where I'm not quite there, I progress a bit after resting and eating.
So overall, life is good for me. No major medical stuff. I'm happy being with my parents still, though as of late I have been pondering how I would move out eventually. I'm still very thankful to be out of the ex's life, and honestly am awaiting the divorce papers to show up. I'm still really close to all my friends, and still do my best to be active with them, which has been a bit more frequently as of the last month or so due to the weather change. Life is good.
So I am left wondering why I'm feeling this way. I'm not sure what more I can desire, without my limitations kicking in. I'm not really sure how to even remedy this feeling. I have been trying to set new goals for myself, but honestly I've run out of ideas. I'm still building on the ones I already have, and it isn't as if they are all done.
I think honestly I just want a bit more meaning in my life, and I have found over the years, I have struggled with this. It drives me nuts to feel this way, but I'm not sure how to fix it, aside from letting time pass and them fading away in a few months, after I realize there isn't much I can do, and accept my role in life again. Maybe, this year, I don't want to just accept it. Last year, I was completely broken, mangled and destroyed inside. This year, I'm fixed and am myself again, and I want to build on that, to become a better person.
So if you guys have any suggestions or anything, I'd be glad to hear them and try to apply them. There might not really be an answer, or a solution, but most of you guys are smart, and see the world differently then I do, and that is an invaluable asset to me. I find I get stuck sometimes with the same train of thought.
Replies
It sounds like you are doing \"well\" with your MG, in the sense that it is relatively inactive with no medication. I think you have arrived at the place where medication might be worse that the sequelae of your disease and what keeps you from being more functional is really inertia, and it is hard to get going when you don\'t have a goal and have felt stuck for so long.
If that is at all accurate, then I have a couple of suggestions--find something to make you more physically functional, ideally involving other people--take a class in Tai Chi for example, good for balance, muscle tone, weight control, meditation, and can be modified for disability with a good instructor. Volunteer--volunteers are needed everywhere from animal shelters to nursing homes, work in a public garden, pick up the litter on your street. . .start small, gain confidence, meet new people, explore their interests, if it is something you are interested in, it could even lead to a paying position or give you ideas for starting a small business on your own.
I guess you have to remember that you have purchased security at great cost to risk it, to be willing to make mistakes, to be misunderstood, and to start again. But since nothing in life is really secure, might as well take the chance???? b.
For the most part yes bweeds, it is accurate. I have the drive, but no where to really put it, and I sense that might be part of the problem. I like the idea of Tai Chi. I have horrible balance still, even after a year of working on it, so it wouldn\'t be a bad idea to try and improve that more. I\'m waiting on getting my car fixed to do volunteer work, but it is something I have considered. I figure as long as I can show up when I\'m having a decent day, I\'ll be in good shape on that.
I do have a question though bweeds, what do you mean by I purchased security? I didn\'t understand that one. :)
I meant just that having food, care, and a roof over your head came at the price of a bad marriage and lack of independence and probably loss of function, which at least for me would be too high a price to pay :-) The other risk is that you might lose your disability payments by being more active. Even if you had trouble again, because you were able to be functional (especially off medication), you might not meet the criteria. You would probably prefer NOT to meet the criteria; in other words, prefer to be able to fully engage in the activities of daily living, but it is a consideration. wishing you the best, b.
You do make a valid point there bweeds. There is a certain fear with disability with me. I\'m terrified of losing it, because I know for a fact that I can\'t maintain my strength like a normal person enough to be capable of work. I\'ve already been told by a lawyer when I was filing for it years ago, and by Social Security, that if I can go back to work, I\'ll lose it, and won\'t be able to get it back again for the condition. I honestly don\'t want to have to go through that, even though I have such a strong drive to work. It clashes sometimes with my morals, and my desire to be capable of providing for myself, and hopefully one day someone else, but I\'m not sure what else I could do about that.
Today, is a prime example for me, and sadly while it is just a modification, it is something I don\'t see how I can alter anymore. I spent the better part of the day cleaning house. I started small at first, just with sweeping the kitchen up. I had to rest after doing that and sweeping the bathroom, for 20 or so minutes before I was capable to move on. After all that, I did the foyer and my bathroom downstairs, and another break. Then break out the vacuum, and do my room, and rest, laundry room, and rest. On and on it goes, all day for me. After all the cleaning, I rested for a couple hours, and got up and cooked dinner for my parents. I had a chair behind me so I could sit and relax while stuff was cooking. Seeing me struggle a little, my father pinched in and helped me, which made me feel a bit less capable then I\'m used to for some reason. I\'m sure this is what others deal with too, so it isn\'t really a compliant, but a day like today proves that I tire far too easily.
My best friend a couple months ago had me come to his work for a week, just to see if I could do it. All he had me doing was building computers and installing os\'s. No driving, nothing needed lifting, and is something I used to do in 45 minutes tops before me getting sick. After a week, I was so exhausted I could barely get out of bed. I found I progressively got worse as the day dragged on, and while he was very understanding, I felt like I let him down some, because I couldn\'t get everything done for him.
I want to be functional, so badly. Medication doesn\'t help me, from the recent bouts with a neuro, so I\'m left to my own devices I guess you can say. It is frustrating that my body rejects everything. But as a lot of you say, you take it one day at a time, and don\'t give up. And, I refuse to give up, or stop fighting to be the best I can be. Will I ever be functional again, I don\'t know anymore. Will I keep striding to be, you can count on it.
I can relate to how you are feeling. That feeling deep down inside of needing something more.... to belong....to be needed.... to be useful to someone.... to feel accomplishment..... everyone feels this no matter what their functional ability is its normal human response.
Now how to get those needs filled is something that I struggle with alot too. For me I love to be artistically creative and i do enjoy human contact and to help people. Knowing your inner self.... what you enjoy....what you are good at... helps a lot when figuring how to get your needs filled. I would be cautious too about the social security rules and qualifications if i was you so maybe tend to lean more towards a hobby or a volenteer type activity which would still meet those basic needs but not put your health insurance and all that in danger. I think finding an activity that would increase your social part of your life outside the family unit might be the first step to getting those needs filled. I need to work to do the same.
Sorry i dont have any great words of wisdom but im working to sort out the same issue in my life too. HugggzZz i wish you luck on this journey as it really is a journey to figuring out how to get these type of needs filled in life.
Yes, I echo the others - good luck on the journey... You certainly have the drive to make it. (: