Wanted to go grocery shopping but had a cry fest instead

I had planned to do some small grocery shopping.  Instead, I just sat in my chair and had a cry fest.  I am just waiting to build up the courage to go grocery shopping.  I feel like I just want to isolate and stay home, mourn, cry and not go out.  Victims Services gave me the stages of grief.  It is most helpful with a Sudden Death especially at home in the bathroom.  I don't drive so I have to walk to Save-On-Foods and home again.  If I go out with another person, it is much better.  If I have to go out myself, I prefer to stay home.  I wonder why that is?  It is just how I am reacting to losing my husband so suddenly.  It is so painful.  The first stage was shock but I think I am thawing out of the shock.  The next stage is anger.  I am angry why did Smokey die with no will, why do I have to do all the paperwork, and why does his 2 daughters have to get a share in the apartment when they were estranged.  I am angry and mad about everything.  My older brother has Aspergers Syndrom and I get mad at him to but it is not fair to him.  I tried to explain that to him yesterday.  I wonder if he gets it?  I wished I could have died with my husband of ten years.  I wished I could have died with my mom in 1989.  In each case, I did not want to keep living but here I am.  What's the point of any of this and why do we get to live while our loved ones have passed away?  I don't understand.  I am a Christian woman but am angry at God for taking my husband away.  He was a good, giving and loving man.  He took excellent care of me and we did fight on occasion but loved one another deeply.  I just miss him so much but I know Smokey is never coming back.  Why do I get to live while he passed away?  It just is not fair.  It is not fair at all.  I am mad at the way things are now,