wanted to believe

I just wanted to believe and trust in someone I love…  I wanted to believe in the fairytale…. To have what other people have… Why should that be sooo hard to do…   Its so funny to hear from people… Missy.,….. u know.. u wouldn’t be alone long, if u did decide to leave him…. I just look at them.. and say … JC…. Shake my head… and think in my mind.. “they just don’t get it”…. They don’t get…. That I don’t want anyone else in my life…..  I mean really… people……. that is the LAST thing on my damn mind.. is to jump into another relationship.   They don’t understand…. I need to find out who I am again.  How can someone else love me…. When I don’t even love myself?    Don’t I need to heal myself first?   Don’t I need to trust and rebuild something inside myself that has been lost for so long? Do U know how many times….. I would go through this with him?????  Prob every two days…. I felt that feeling EVERY two days… that DREADED assed feeling every two days…..  for like 5 years now…   that heaviness in ur chest……..to where ur heart almost hurts, to where u have a lump in ur throat,  to where u cant eat.. cant sleep….. cant function without worrying…….. about HIM……..  and u call him like 20 times…. And then freak out on him.. when u finally get a hold of them…   which is totally what they want to do to u………………and to where its all u think about… to where all ur living .. is what they are doing to u….   it CONSUMES u….           like a wildfire…. It Eats up all the oxygen surrounding u.. to where u do have a hard time breathing……  ……to where nothing else matters in ur life.  I used to have panic attacks all the time… till I let it go..  I used to drive myself nuts waiting for him at night to come home, knowing I have to work in the morning……. not sleeping.. till I heard him stumble in the door…… ….till I let it go…   Lately… the last six months or so.. since I have started standing up for myself…… and went out of his BOX that’s he wants me in………..   He still comes home wasted.. but now.. he decides… he wants to have a talk.. at whatever time it is……. So he proceeds to wake me up… (because like I just said.. I don’t wait up for him anymore and it drives him crazy) and starts a fight with me….   To get that reaction…from me…..  that he feeds on..  so he can make it into my fault… my fault..that he does what he does…  to make him feel better…  to give him someone to blame other than himself.  And what sucks about that whole little issue… Is that…. I have a hard time falling asleep the way it is…   So once I get woken up.. fully.. I have a hard time getting back to sleep…..  and when u have to get up at 6 am…. Doesn’t work…….  It helps me to write … to get it out…. To know I am not crazy…. Its like a sigh of relief… to get it off ur chest…   I am trying to Let it go…. Its hard sometimes….  Cause every once in a while, u let down ur guard, and start… just start to believe a little bit.. that maybe .. he is changing… and poof…. Something happens… to where ur right back to square one…..   I told him… I am done with helping him… and its up to him to get himself better… that I cant do it for him    and that I am gonna get better for me and my kids…  And u know what? Ultimately…. Its his choice.. I cant make this decision for him…  And even if I try to make that decision for him… in the end… it wont matter  because it will always be… u made me do it…   Its not worth getting upset.. anymore…. Russ has ruined our relationship not me…  he himself…    I just started standing up for myself… and started believing in myself again.  Started believing that I do deserve more than he can and is willing to give me.   Where are things at?  Not really sure I even know that answer....  He finally went to the doctor, he asked me to make a appointment for him, and the doc put him on a medication.... for the anger, depression,.... the anxiety he feels…… .    Whether its working or not? .. ummmmm not really sure..   He goes from two different extremes all the time.....   From not being home, not caring, saying mean shit to me, picking fights, breaking shit, to being out till 1 or 2 am.. to where the point where he cant  even walk anymore ......   to wanting to be lovey dovey, in my face, expecting me to spend every single second with him, wanting to be intimate with me, still extremely jealous of everything.... whether I leave for 20 min, go shopping, am on the comp or the phone...   I mean seriously?    I don’t love him anymore... whether I can love him again.. I don’t know... I am still here... what that means I don’t know..   but I cant continue to go from extreme to the next...    I am not 18 years old anymore..  I refuse to have sex and to be intimate with someone I don’t love, and truthfully a person I  don’t really like.    And he doesn’t understand why I wont, and has been pressuring me... every day.... which all that does is piss me off and push me farther away...   He needs to build trust again, and respect from me again... and when I am ready I will slowly start letting all of that anger and resentment behind, and maybe just maybe start loving him again... but him TRYING to force me to be intimate with him, just because he is ready... isn’t ok.. and he doesn’t get that...   He told me his friends think its fucked up...that something of course is going on…. Because I refuse to let him have sex with me……….. well u know what?    I DON’T CARE …. I DON’T CARE >>>>>>WHAT UR FRIENDS THINK OF ME>>>>>>   I said to him… Well u know.. they can say that….  But also.. I would bet my life on it… that they also DO NOT know the full story.. They also just know the story U are willing to tell them… I finally have a little backbone...   and I am not gonna let HIM take that LITTLE damn piece of me away that I found… that’s a part of me…  and as for the sex..........its MY body........that he just doesn’t deserve.    That’s mine and mine alone…….