wandering through my own life........

isn't it odd.......this life with covid.  this life with chronic illness within our bodies.  this life where family becomes further and further away. odd......sad, troubling.  stifling.  limiting.  divisive.  hurtful.  lonely. 

yet i try to make sense of life as it is.  last night i slept in my clothes.  they were , was tired, so why not?  who would tell me no?  they were warm.......i slept as long as i could and wished i was not yet awake when awake arrived.  i've been waking up anywhere from 2:30 to 6 am these last many days.  i feel crummy as a result.  off kilter.......weird.  feels like i've been sleeping sitting up on a cross country bus for days and days.  ugh.  that feeling of a sick nauseous exhaustion that makes your veins tremble.......your breathing is off.......your life rhythm is askew.  there is a slight troubling vibration.......i need to be recalibrated. 

and then there's the other symptoms of illness.  blah blah blah.

there is no where that i need to go and yet i want out.  as soon as i am out i find it exhausting and need to be back in.  my cage is a quiet lovely cottage.  keep thankfulness in mind while complaining.  and venting.

i read a post on Next Door yesterday.  a woman posted free items available.  she got many responses.......she said thank you to all the people who kept their appointments to get items.  she was glad to help and glad that they showed up.  then she went on for several paragraphs expressing her anger/displeasure over the people who did not show up.....who blew her off.  who didn't care about her time.....her kindness to meet them.  she needed to vent........but it made me think. 

the good guys rated all of a sentence and a half of appreciation and the rude ones rated so much of her time and energy.  why do we do that?  obsess to the point of limiting or alleviating so much of our own good energy for the sake of WHAT?   we need to seek a way to give equal time to the good and the bad.  appreciate it well.......express it to the length and breadth and amount of time/energy and rising blood pressure we express and lose to the bad stuff.

to find a balance, a way to calm, self soothe........and to keep a  healthier perspective.  just my opinion.

i also watched a few videos of a family who has gone minimalist in their life approach.  they changed a lot,  how much they buy and when they buy and what they keep and what they take away.  the countertops in the kitchen and other surfaces have precious little on them.  she went so far as to state that nobody ever dislikes it when they change over to this way of life.  hmmmmm, i must be the nobody.  i like seeing containers of pasta, grains, cookies and so forth on my kitchen counters.  seems organized and friendly to me.  i like having the toaster waiting on me right out in the open to start my day if i want toast.  i like the plants on my windowsills.......i like injecting my personality and creative self into my space.  it makes me feel cozy, at home.......in my very own sanctuary.

less can indeed be more, but for one who likes a certain amount of creative clutter to thrive i cannot agree with the minimalist mom about all of her theories.  i was intrigued though......and watched to learn more about their life of less.  their garage was a crazy messy tangle of all sorts of stuff.  i mean a lot of stuff..........a ton.  their property outbuildings were messy and full of a lot of stuff.  they said when they got the place it was all neat and tidy but a few years of living there, going through many projects had created the situation they found themselves in.  hmmmm........i realized that they had been consistently overboard and now they needed to go the other way to get a grip on their lifestuff.  ok.  i see. 

at first they got a portable bin for $30 to fill up, then they found out that their trash service would not pick up this bin.  uh oh.  so now they looked at getting a dumpster.  a big long metal dumpster, 30 feet long.  this is a much bigger disposal unit that a               3' by 5" portable bin. as in hu freaking gontious ly BIG.  they managed to fill that big boy up to the rim.  the bin pick up people will not pick it up if items or trash protrude above that rim.  they had more stuff to 86 than the whole of all of my possessions combined.  maybe i am not the worst pack rat in the world?

i have a lot of decor........it's organized, my home is clean so why not?  it's eclectic and comfy to me.........do i want to achieve having less?  yes........the upstairs has too much in it, the garage is guilty too.......closets that need less, and drawers that have too much i don't currently need or use.  but it's all neat so why worry so much.

do a little bit for the good of yourself and the good of your home daily little sparrow and try to worry less.  be more positive and listen to more music.  read more stories.........and for goodness sake write something creative once in a blue moon. 

dishes are done, dishwasher is humming away and i  am inclined to curl up in bed for a couple of hours.  later.........