Wallowing

Tonight has been a bummer. Up late again, assuring that I will NOT have a good night's sleep for my health and to give my toddler son 100% tomorrow. 4 days into the new year and already I'm disappointed in myself. 

My breathing symptoms are terrible tonight. I've been sucking on this damn nebulizer for the last 2 hours. I can't take any more eucalyptus vapors. 

I know I am stumbling with thoughts, but I'm just purging them out on paper.

-I'm frustrated. I'm sick of feeling sick. I feel I deserve better. I feel like people don't understand. And then....I just feel like a whiner. Then I end up feeling guilty. And then rewind and press play and start the cycle again and again and again. 

- I'm demoralized. The disconnect with doctors is maddening. My reality is a constant merry-go-round of appointments and virtual visits. Chasing after a diagnosis or two that I'm not even sure I have, but seem to know more than 2 general practioners, ENT doc, Allergen Doc, Pulmonary Doc, GI specialist and multiple clinic NPs combined. Everyone validates I could be on to something, but they pick a diagnosis out of a hat, toss it and hope it sticks. Most are simply symptoms of a bigger picture; I know it in my heart and soul.  I'm dug in deep as I chase after what is going on, as now I have to keep this endless path organized and succinct, which have never been strong characteristics of mine. 

- I feel weak. Physically and mentally. I'm just tired. Freaking tired of this ridiculous change out of nowhere and the confusion and the exasperation of it all. I'm tired of feeling confused, demoralized and not myself. I'm tired of the anxiety and how IT also saps my strength and brings on fatigue. I'm tired of the mental battle to keep that anxiety in check. It brings even more exhaustion. 

Tonight, I wallow. It's not pretty, but it's real.