Walking in Someone Else's Shoes
It's hard, but I tried to see things from my father's perspective and it wasn't pretty.
What if I were 83 and suddenly found myself dependent on someone else?
All your life you've been independent, always the one who came to the rescue. Fit, strong, financially better off than most people you knew, you're the one everyone comes to if they need money. You were the head of the house since your father died back when you were just a child. You had challenges most people never dreamed of. As an adult, you had your own family, but legions of cousins who depended on you. You gave your money freely and your house was always full of people looking for a handout. Then one day it changes. You're old and your body is not reacting the way it once had. You've slowed down and know it. Memory is not as sharp. And the respect you once received from family members is no more because they're all dead and the younger ones could care less. You've gone from having a great job and great pay to living off retirement. And you didn't save anything because you put family first and gave your money away. Now you feel alone. Vulnerable.
There's this daughter--the little girl you raised. The one who leaned on you because you were her big, strong Daddy, is an adult. She has her own life, own family. She's the only family member who never came to you for money. But now, due to a problem with your pension, you find yourself relying on her financially. You tell yourself it's only temporary, but as the months go by, and you come to depend on her more, you start to resent her. You hate this part of yourself, but it's true. Add in the fact that you recently had foot surgery and have restrictions. This means you must wait for her to shop for you, to do things around the house. You don't like that so you get up and try to do for yoursef, but this only reminds you of how weak you've become. You tell yourself that things will get better, that the foot will heal, but after the fourth surgery you start to wonder. Is it downhill from here?
And the daughter, the all grown up daughter, the girl who used to lean on you, isn't doing that. Now you're leaning on her and hoping she doesn't notice. Resentment builds as the months go by and you find yourself snapping at her. You've always had issues, issues that go back to WW2 and the world that didn't welcome you back. Now, the nightmares from that period haunt you and you can't sleep. So days go by without sleep, making you even crabbier and your explosions continue. Your daughter is all you have left and she's your only target.
The doctor tells you to return to normal life. You can drive and do things around the house. You look 20 years younger than your age, but still, you feel the weakness. You're getting older. And there's nothing you can do about it.
In time, you realize the way of life: you're suddenly becoming your daughter's child. You're no longer her big, strong daddy.
What if I were 83 and suddenly found myself dependent on someone else?
All your life you've been independent, always the one who came to the rescue. Fit, strong, financially better off than most people you knew, you're the one everyone comes to if they need money. You were the head of the house since your father died back when you were just a child. You had challenges most people never dreamed of. As an adult, you had your own family, but legions of cousins who depended on you. You gave your money freely and your house was always full of people looking for a handout. Then one day it changes. You're old and your body is not reacting the way it once had. You've slowed down and know it. Memory is not as sharp. And the respect you once received from family members is no more because they're all dead and the younger ones could care less. You've gone from having a great job and great pay to living off retirement. And you didn't save anything because you put family first and gave your money away. Now you feel alone. Vulnerable.
There's this daughter--the little girl you raised. The one who leaned on you because you were her big, strong Daddy, is an adult. She has her own life, own family. She's the only family member who never came to you for money. But now, due to a problem with your pension, you find yourself relying on her financially. You tell yourself it's only temporary, but as the months go by, and you come to depend on her more, you start to resent her. You hate this part of yourself, but it's true. Add in the fact that you recently had foot surgery and have restrictions. This means you must wait for her to shop for you, to do things around the house. You don't like that so you get up and try to do for yoursef, but this only reminds you of how weak you've become. You tell yourself that things will get better, that the foot will heal, but after the fourth surgery you start to wonder. Is it downhill from here?
And the daughter, the all grown up daughter, the girl who used to lean on you, isn't doing that. Now you're leaning on her and hoping she doesn't notice. Resentment builds as the months go by and you find yourself snapping at her. You've always had issues, issues that go back to WW2 and the world that didn't welcome you back. Now, the nightmares from that period haunt you and you can't sleep. So days go by without sleep, making you even crabbier and your explosions continue. Your daughter is all you have left and she's your only target.
The doctor tells you to return to normal life. You can drive and do things around the house. You look 20 years younger than your age, but still, you feel the weakness. You're getting older. And there's nothing you can do about it.
In time, you realize the way of life: you're suddenly becoming your daughter's child. You're no longer her big, strong daddy.
Replies
Truhal, your empathy towards your father is amazing. He is so blessed to have one. You are one of the rare souls who can truly put yourself in someone elses shoes. But irregardless you cannot let your father destroy your peace of pain. You can\'t accept his abuse to the detriment of your own wellbeing. Where would he be then. He\'s not being fair. I think you are doing the right thing by taking a break. You need to set some boundaries and need a breather. He needs to know if you are to remain in his life he must treat you with decency and respect. Take some time then do some limit setting with him. Each and every time he crosses the line just get up and walk out. Stay away a little longer each time. In the end the relationship will be a healthier one for both of you. If he continues to be abusive do what you can to put in place what he needs without your direct involvement. You are grieving and must meet your own needs first. Your Dad from what I\'ve read treats you cruelly. That is never o.k.
Too bad he doesen\'t have the ability to logic things out as you did. Understanding his position and relationship with you would make a world of difference to his life...and yours.
You have a very giving and forgiving heart.
So true, Tskks. But the other day he called me. He was apologetic, realizing I meant business. I don\'t know. I\'m a Christian so I\'ll keep forgiving him, but prepare to distance myself if needed.
Thanks for the comment. Helps keep me grounded.
Truhal...Your story sounds like mine with my Mother...only I finally had to put her in a nursing home....she lived here with my and Buddy in her own apartment and had her own kitchen, bathroom etc...but I took her shopping, did her hair and balanced her check books...I still get all her mail and write the check out to the nursing home each mother and they call me when Mom needs something ...or something goes wrong...I think part of nature is at some point in our life we do reverse rolls with our parents...keep strong..hugs Ellen
I think the role reversal is one of the things I look forward to the least. My kids still come to me whatever their problems are......and because I am the Mom.....I \"solve\" them. But I was so crushed and fragile after Jim\'s death that they \"took care\" of me so I got a brief glimpse of what my later years may be like. None of us want to be dependent upon our children but it just happens if we live long enough. It is a hard adjustment but just another part of the life cycle.
Hugs, Dianne
Excellent perspective on being in his shoes. Very hard on both. Agree on setting boundaries. Been there with my husband as he went down hill...laughter is a grea diffuser. I would sometimes play characters to keep things lite. hang in there girl. He is blessed to have you and whether he speaks it or not he thanks God for you being there for him. xoxo
Wow! It is incredible what you wrote about you father. Is this how he feels now? No wonder he is so miserable with you. I would not want to be in his shoes. We are all getting older and have to adapt to the ever changing situations in our lives. No one said it would be easy. With the loss of your husband, this is very hard for you to deal with, isn\'t it? You are doing the best that you can for yourself, which I admire greatly. God gave this to you for a purpose in your own development. It is a gift from God. Sometimes, we don\'t like the hard gifts from God. It is for our own spiritual developement and growth. All the best from Diane B.
I would venture to guess, Truhal, that your Dad truly realizes how much he needs you - and, indeed, loves you.. but HIS LIFE is not turning out the way he envisioned it or wants it to. He HATES THIS and yes - he is taking it out on you, the only one left. He is not thinking right now about YOU or YOUR LIFE and what YOU ARE GOING THROUGH after losing your husband. He\'s feeling like he\'s lost control over his life and so what\'s the sense of living now. Taking it out on you. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you ( and, your dad!). All I can say to you is this -- try to hang in with him, try to remain strong. God put you right where you are supposed to be, helping your dad, as DIFFICULT as that may be right now. God\'s agenda doesn\'t always coincide with ours.