Walking dead me
I feel like suicide is my destiny or something... Nobody understands me maybe because people who are as emotionally weak and messy as me never make it to tell; they die or kill themselves. I'm not meant to be living. I'm a liability...
I have all these thoughts telling me that living is better than dying, and I could move away and live in some town alone working some shitty job (I couldn't stay here...) but then I don't understand the point of that. Where would that lead me? Frankly, why torture myself and eat up the earth's resources to maintain the piece of useless flesh I am?
I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and the receptionist first said she couldn't make it until Sep. 19, then she told me she couldn't make it at all. Then I asked her if I could make an appointment with my counsellor, and she told me she needed to check something and hung up on me. Such a rude little bitch... My GP is also away until aug. 28 and when I went to another doctor and mentioned my shitty symptoms he probably thought I was embellishing for the doctor's note I needed for school. but I didn't even tell him everything because I am too embarrassed of what is happening to me... the things I believe and the things I do because of the things I believe.
I feel like my appointment with my school coordinator next week will decide whether I live or die.... If they won't keep me in school (because they've kicked me out...) then it's done for me. I am so afraid and stressed out.
I have this funny jerky thing my head does now and I hope it goes away soon.
I feel like taking so many drugs so that I could do well in school this summer was for nothing. I was hoping to show them that I can do well, that I can get A range grades like a good student, that I am capable that they should keep me.
I think I'm such an optimist because i have this little spark of hope/want, this delusional belief that I can change or that my situation can change or that I can get what I want. I should have killed myself the first time I wanted to drown myself at 12. I'd love to go back to that day. It would probably bring my parents closer together and avoid their divorce.. it would save them way over a hundred thousand dollars wasted on me. Deciding not to is my biggest regret I guess...
I have all these thoughts telling me that living is better than dying, and I could move away and live in some town alone working some shitty job (I couldn't stay here...) but then I don't understand the point of that. Where would that lead me? Frankly, why torture myself and eat up the earth's resources to maintain the piece of useless flesh I am?
I tried to make an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and the receptionist first said she couldn't make it until Sep. 19, then she told me she couldn't make it at all. Then I asked her if I could make an appointment with my counsellor, and she told me she needed to check something and hung up on me. Such a rude little bitch... My GP is also away until aug. 28 and when I went to another doctor and mentioned my shitty symptoms he probably thought I was embellishing for the doctor's note I needed for school. but I didn't even tell him everything because I am too embarrassed of what is happening to me... the things I believe and the things I do because of the things I believe.
I feel like my appointment with my school coordinator next week will decide whether I live or die.... If they won't keep me in school (because they've kicked me out...) then it's done for me. I am so afraid and stressed out.
I have this funny jerky thing my head does now and I hope it goes away soon.
I feel like taking so many drugs so that I could do well in school this summer was for nothing. I was hoping to show them that I can do well, that I can get A range grades like a good student, that I am capable that they should keep me.
I think I'm such an optimist because i have this little spark of hope/want, this delusional belief that I can change or that my situation can change or that I can get what I want. I should have killed myself the first time I wanted to drown myself at 12. I'd love to go back to that day. It would probably bring my parents closer together and avoid their divorce.. it would save them way over a hundred thousand dollars wasted on me. Deciding not to is my biggest regret I guess...
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