Waking up
Waking up is the worst part of my day. I feel sad, angry and my back is stiff. It will just be another day of hauling myself around, every step reminding me of how heavy I am. Another day of ignoring the body checks from people I have just met. Another day of ignoring the judgments of others. In order to get through the day I choke it all down. Every still moment brings memories I don't want to have.
Seriously fuck this. Every day. I'm tired. Seems like I sleep ok. Nightmares last night but in general I sleep ok. Still I am so tired.
I know that no one would ever want me and I know nothing I had with anyone would ever last. If I managed to have a relationship it wouldn't take long for the smell of him and the feel of his skin to become gross. Sometimes I look at men, strangers, and I will notice a small part of them, maybe the nape of his neck. I will notice how the skin looks, the hair. Then I feel disgusted. I imagine how he would feel, how touching him would feel. How being that close would feel. I don't know why I torture myself like that.
Seriously fuck this. Every day. I'm tired. Seems like I sleep ok. Nightmares last night but in general I sleep ok. Still I am so tired.
I know that no one would ever want me and I know nothing I had with anyone would ever last. If I managed to have a relationship it wouldn't take long for the smell of him and the feel of his skin to become gross. Sometimes I look at men, strangers, and I will notice a small part of them, maybe the nape of his neck. I will notice how the skin looks, the hair. Then I feel disgusted. I imagine how he would feel, how touching him would feel. How being that close would feel. I don't know why I torture myself like that.
Replies
Morning sucks for me also. I believe it is my worst time of day. I have those feelings no one would want me with all of my mental and physical issues. I say to myself, \'who would want someone who might not be able to hold their bladder, that smells like pee (their thoughts), who cannot go do anything, is depressed, get\'s angry, in constant pain, to think I am gross or not this happy plastic person\'. Damn it I am not perfect, no one is and all of these judgmental people have skeletons too. They might not wear them on the outside but I am sure they are there. I do not think you are alone in looking at men that way. I have not been with a man in a very long time and I am not sure I could let myself either because of how I feel about myself and how I feel about men, humanity.
I do not always have the right thing to say, but I hope you know how funny you are? How talented you are? I do know and I hope you can see it in you too.
I think Blue Dragon said you are in emotional flashback and I agree. It must be overwhelming. I wish I could make it easier for you.
Can I suggest something? On a piece of paper, write down all the negative convictions and beliefs that are ruling your thoughts right now. And for each one, write something positive that contradicts it. Whenever one plays in your mind, read or say the opposite. You may wholeheartedly believe all the negativity your mind is spewing right now but it won\'t cost you much to try this thought experiment. I don\'t want you to deepen the grooves that lead to those despairing thoughts.
If you write your negatives we can all have fun writing positives for you. I promise only to write what I believe to be the truth. I won\'t lie to you.
I like the idea of writing down the negatives along with the opposite. I bet I am so used to the negatives that don\'t even notice many of them.