Waking Up - My story

When the lightbulb comes on, denial slips quietly back into the darkness. But do not be fooled... it's waiting for the perfect moment of weakness................

When I was 9 my mother attempted suicide, she did not die but damaged her brain enough that she was no longer able to care for me. My father (the abusive alcoholic) had left her 6 months earlier. He tried anything to not have to keep me. At age 13 he asked my older sister to drive me to the foster home and drop me off. He signed papers to hand me off as a "ward of the state of California". 

My sister was unable to leave me with these strangers and took on the responsibility of caring for me. At 19 years old she did not have those skills but she did her absolute best and I adore her for that unconditional love.

At 15 I began drinking and promiscuity - seeking that "love" I never got as a child. I remained in relationships too long and when 1 ended; I was with another one within months - and in between there were numerous lovers; each one I desperately wanted to be "the one". 

I chose broken, shy, homeless, carless, jobless, abusive, alcoholic, drug addicts over and over. I was always able to take care of myself but i didn't want to. It was so much better if I took care of him. I gave a small amount of any esteem I had to each of these gentlemen. Sometimes they would give back to me by way of affirmations, praise, sex, and intimacy (which I confused as love). I snatched these words like currency, I could live in a hole in the ground as long as you tell me I am pretty, and how great I treat you.  

I learned new drugs and became addicted to each new drug along with each new man. 

When my life became unmanageable I sought out help from AA - This was a whole new addiction. Here are people that are constantly going to tell me I am beautiful and wonderful, even when I messed up. The only requirement for being here was a desire to change. That seems easy enough... you just want me to listen, share my experiences and help another addict? WELL, you certainly found your gal! - This is when I learned how to never say "NO". If someone, anyone reaches their hand out for help you never turn away - you give freely of yourself and never ask for anything in return. "This is a self-esteem builder" they tell me.... then why is it when I say no I was bashed and belittled and told NEVER to say no to any volunteer opportunity. Why is it when I don’t feel like going to a meeting I’m greeted with the "mmhmmm's" and the shaking of the head, why am I told that if I do not listen to their "suggestions" I am headed for relapse. 

It doesn’t matter though, I won’t "wake up" for another 12 years... I continue going to meetings, functions, and "being of service" to so many dysfunctional people who came before me. I learned that just because our hearts want to get better does not mean that we are any less fucked up than we were when we were using. 

I married one of these addicts and became the ultimate caretaker. He was not only a chronic relapsing drug addict in recovery but he was also mentally challenged - Schizoaffective was what the Dr's called it. At the time I was so in love I believed him when he said it's like being Bi-Polar. He gave me everything I could ever ask for. He would not let me go a day without telling me how smart, sexy, beautiful or talented I was. His favorite phrase was "Have I told you today how beautiful you are?” I would gush and tell him no... And he would proceed to fill my head with all my "medicine". Little did I know that I was completely losing myself in him, any ounce of self I had left was devoured by this man. I began to resent everything I used to do for him freely. I started to think of him as another child I needed to take care of, I hated everything about my life....... BUT, I would not dare leave him. 

I didn’t have to - he died suddenly from liver disease and I was devastated. I failed in the most dramatic way! - I killed my husband! 

Not having any sense of self I gave up on life - who would tell me I am beautiful, smart, who would say thank you to me for all the things I do all day long? I was alone - I started using.... using like I did not want to wake up tomorrow. I kept waking up though.... and when things got bad enough I went to detox - then back into more 12 steps - losing myself again. 

It did not take me long to start seeking the "attention" and validation from men I thought I so desperately needed.... until I found "the one". The one who would open my eyes. He was sad, lonely and in need of support. He was PERFECT!

But this guy changed, when I helped him he got better= WOAH! He refused to give me what I needed - he pointed out all the things I was blind to, all the people taking advantage of me, all the reasons I was not getting better. 

With each fight I would beg him to tell me I was pretty, I would cry and kick him out of the house. Then later call him back and beg him not to leave me... I would explain to him how he needs me, how I am such an amazing girlfriend. I would cook, clean, pay all the bills, drive the kids to school. I would make his life so good he wouldn’t dare leave me. 

Each time I would make sure I cleaned the house, did the laundry, and made him dinner I expected praise. I expected cuddles, kisses or even sex. When I didn’t get it I would become jealous, suspicious, and self-degrading. I would think that it is because I gained weight, or he was "talking" to someone else. The less attention and validation he showed me the worse I got. The less sex I got the more I thought it was me. The crazier I got the less attention he would give me. Sex gave me anxiety... if I could not make him orgasm he will leave me. If I cannot make him happy by doing everything perfectly he will leave me. If he doesn’t tell me that I'm pretty I'll scream! And I did - we became verbally abusive toward each other, “Fuck you’s” became the norm! - I began bullying him into telling me what I needed. 

Sometimes I would stand up for myself and tell him I was not happy and that I wanted him to leave.... this worked 1 time. He broke down at the last minute and said he was sorry, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he will pay more attention to me. WOW!!! I was on cloud 9.... This is what I needed!! So......Me... (The child that I am) tried this technique again and again.... it never worked again! He called my bluff and said "fine, I’ll move out next week/month" - that is when I could actually feel my brain flip over in my head... I started begging him to stay, apologizing for my behavior, driving myself insane.... I actually could not imagine my life continuing. I left the house with every intention of relapsing and hurting myself. I ended up sitting in my car downing a bottle of Nyquil. I could not believe I did this to myself - I could not believe I pushed him away. 

This yo-yo happened a couple more times and each time I could feel the "brainflip" and the anxiety in my heart. I knew this had very little to do with him and his stubborn refusal of giving me what I wanted. He would actually say "You are a bully, and I am not going to be bullied into telling you what you want to hear."

I am not sure what clicked in my head but I wanted to stop torturing him and myself. I wanted to learn why I was like this.... I started to read, and this lead to YouTube videos, and here I am at on-line support groups.... Who knows where this will lead? But I am awake to my codependent behaviors, I am awake to my self-love deficit disorder. I am scared to death that he will leave me if I learn to love myself... but only time will tell. 

Thank you for reading!!