Volunteering, Day 2
Today was my second day in a row of volunteering. It was pretty good, especially since I only worked 3 hours. They had another girl come in and cover the information desk I work at, and she had an attitude about being there at first but by the end of the day she was feeling better and we got along. I was worried at first, since Marie and I got along so well that me and the new girl, Maya were going to not get along. Maya just didn't like being transferred again, which seems to be a way of life with the clinic. I hear people all the time saying that they were transferred from one place to another, and I don't have a problem with that if it happens to me. Right now they have me at the information desk, but my boss said he wants me to learn medication assistance when I get the hang of the information desk. I think I pretty much have the hang of it now, but I'm patient and will wait for them to say that they think I'm good. It is all up to them, anyway. I'm just happy.... I feel normal. I feel like I have a job that I can do (even if it is unpaid) and the hours I want to work. I like having set times, so that way I don't have to worry about telling Geo that I'm off to volunteer and having him forget, or whatever.
I'm putting my mood back to great because I feel normal. Normal is the goal for me. I just want to have a normal life, with normal problems. Having to worry about annoying coworkers is just a part of life, but my coworker wasn't even annoying. She was just upset about something she had a right to be upset about. Nobody, especially a mother with school-age kids, wants to be told the day before that their morning schedule is going to change. I like having normal worries and stresses. I've been in this room for too long already. I feel like I'm ready to take on the world, even though I've just been at this for 2 days. I like that I feel appreciated at work, and that they need me. Yesterday them asking me for more hours was their way of telling me that they need me. I almost want to go in tomorrow, but I have errands to run and I want to be able to get them done and not have to worry about going into work. I have to go to the store both tomorrow and Thursday, since we don't have the money to buy everything we need tomorrow, but we need food ASAP. Ah, the joys of not having a car! I can't wait until we can get a car. Hopefully once I start working we will be able to afford a car.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend Kate about her assault, and I told her not to talk about it because I didn't want to talk about mine. I was sexually assaulted by my stepbrother when I was younger. When she started talking about how the stuff made her feel, I started getting anxious. I didn't want to talk about it yesterday since I didn't want the flashbacks keeping me up all night, but now I don't have to worry about that since I don't have to work tomorrow. I'm feeling okay about it now, but sometimes I get flashbacks of the assault. I don't talk to or really ever mention my stepbrother for that reason. Once my dad died and I didn't need to see him or talk to him ever again, I didn't. I don't hate him for what he did, not per se, but if he was on the edge of the earth and falling off, I don't know if I would help him back. I wouldn't push him, I know that much. I've only seen him a couple times since my dad died, the last being maybe 8 years ago. It was weird seeing him again, as an adult, but he's still the same asshole that he was as a kid (if not worse). Now he's stuck in a dead-end marriage with a woman that his mom made him marry (my stepmom is really religious, and she cut him off until he married this woman) and I don't feel bad for him. I feel bad for his wife and kid, but not for him. Maybe one day I can forgive him, since not forgiving him still gives him power over me, but he does still have power over me. I want it gone, but I don't know how to forgive someone. I don't know how to let things go. I think that's what I want to talk about with my therapist on Friday... how to let things go. She knows all about the assault, and I think it's time for me to work on letting go. I've been holding on to it for a long time... that and my dad's death. I think if I can let it go, it will be best for me.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up, and I normally get depressed on that day. I would love for it to be a day of remembrance, but not of depression. I'm never going to forget the day he died, but I want to be able to move on from his death. I want to be able to live my life like a normal person, like the woman he would want me to be. I know he would want me to remember him, but he wouldn't want me to be depressed every year. Just like on Father's day... he would want me to remember him but not be so sad about it and have it send me into a depression. I just hope I can make him proud one day and move on.
Food was not good today... I didn't eat enough. I just wasn't hungry, and there wasn't a lot of food in the house. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the store and hopefully pick up some stuff to eat so I can have some food I want. Stress was normal today, as in stressing about things a normal person would, just not a lot. Mood has been good lately... I haven't been letting things get me down. Sleep was good last night, I got 12 hours and although I felt tired today, it wasn't as tired as I felt yesterday so that's good too.
I'm putting my mood back to great because I feel normal. Normal is the goal for me. I just want to have a normal life, with normal problems. Having to worry about annoying coworkers is just a part of life, but my coworker wasn't even annoying. She was just upset about something she had a right to be upset about. Nobody, especially a mother with school-age kids, wants to be told the day before that their morning schedule is going to change. I like having normal worries and stresses. I've been in this room for too long already. I feel like I'm ready to take on the world, even though I've just been at this for 2 days. I like that I feel appreciated at work, and that they need me. Yesterday them asking me for more hours was their way of telling me that they need me. I almost want to go in tomorrow, but I have errands to run and I want to be able to get them done and not have to worry about going into work. I have to go to the store both tomorrow and Thursday, since we don't have the money to buy everything we need tomorrow, but we need food ASAP. Ah, the joys of not having a car! I can't wait until we can get a car. Hopefully once I start working we will be able to afford a car.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend Kate about her assault, and I told her not to talk about it because I didn't want to talk about mine. I was sexually assaulted by my stepbrother when I was younger. When she started talking about how the stuff made her feel, I started getting anxious. I didn't want to talk about it yesterday since I didn't want the flashbacks keeping me up all night, but now I don't have to worry about that since I don't have to work tomorrow. I'm feeling okay about it now, but sometimes I get flashbacks of the assault. I don't talk to or really ever mention my stepbrother for that reason. Once my dad died and I didn't need to see him or talk to him ever again, I didn't. I don't hate him for what he did, not per se, but if he was on the edge of the earth and falling off, I don't know if I would help him back. I wouldn't push him, I know that much. I've only seen him a couple times since my dad died, the last being maybe 8 years ago. It was weird seeing him again, as an adult, but he's still the same asshole that he was as a kid (if not worse). Now he's stuck in a dead-end marriage with a woman that his mom made him marry (my stepmom is really religious, and she cut him off until he married this woman) and I don't feel bad for him. I feel bad for his wife and kid, but not for him. Maybe one day I can forgive him, since not forgiving him still gives him power over me, but he does still have power over me. I want it gone, but I don't know how to forgive someone. I don't know how to let things go. I think that's what I want to talk about with my therapist on Friday... how to let things go. She knows all about the assault, and I think it's time for me to work on letting go. I've been holding on to it for a long time... that and my dad's death. I think if I can let it go, it will be best for me.
The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up, and I normally get depressed on that day. I would love for it to be a day of remembrance, but not of depression. I'm never going to forget the day he died, but I want to be able to move on from his death. I want to be able to live my life like a normal person, like the woman he would want me to be. I know he would want me to remember him, but he wouldn't want me to be depressed every year. Just like on Father's day... he would want me to remember him but not be so sad about it and have it send me into a depression. I just hope I can make him proud one day and move on.
Food was not good today... I didn't eat enough. I just wasn't hungry, and there wasn't a lot of food in the house. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the store and hopefully pick up some stuff to eat so I can have some food I want. Stress was normal today, as in stressing about things a normal person would, just not a lot. Mood has been good lately... I haven't been letting things get me down. Sleep was good last night, I got 12 hours and although I felt tired today, it wasn't as tired as I felt yesterday so that's good too.
Replies
holding onto the past is just not good, you need to let go of it. definetly talk to your therapist about letting go, it will do you some good.
holding things in and not ever talking them out and working hard on ridding ourselves of past issues is never good, it does so much harm. i am happy for you that you feel appreciated, its such a nice feeling. youll eat better tommorrow, you are very good about staying on track. hugss
I am so happy for you that you feel normal and are in a good mood. IT\'s great that you are appreciated and feel it at the clinic. Hope things keep you happy and healthy.