Vision and strengths
I wrote this to my sister. She pointed out to me that I oversimplify and idealize everything and that everyone struggles. It really helped. I wrote back:
Thanks again, I know we each struggle but it’s important to remember and find our voice. My strengths are very different from the norm. But I do have them and your text sparked that awareness about each of us. I tend to think Dad is perfect but he’s fighting forward like the rest of us. It’s good to respect that in him and all of us. I’m keeping on personal projects here, learning to. I’ve been burning out and I’ve gained an enormous amount of weight. But my aim currently is to lose weight and save for my trip and keep my room running well. The demands of the monastery can distract from normal niceties for myself and my life. The mystery of the communal monastery is they try and knock you off your platform of general considerations people give in the outside world. But I’m learning to keep myself on my projects and persevere at life even though. . It’s not easy here but Aemiliane says it’s my talent I bring to the monastery. She says how I greet people and smile and give a gentle sense of humor is very important and illuminating for life here. It might
not always be given back in return but it still matters. Folks are very damaged here.
not always be given back in return but it still matters. Folks are very damaged here.
Replies
Big hug sweetie....Yes I think it's really important to see the greys in between the black and white
We all have them
It's nice that Aemiliane see's your strengths and how much that they bring to the monestary sweetie...Nice!!...xo
Thanks Janet!
I wanted to add to this journal. My sense of strength in my life very well may come from my ability to simplify and idealize my life. Psychologically would they call this omnipotence? After my day off I was feeling invigorated about the work I have to do ahead, specifically the personal projects like losing weight and saving money and creating overall a sense of order. Preparing the service was not altogether but a tiny bit out of practice for having missed but one day. When I went down to set up church this morning, I got the work done before the boss sister had gotten there. She’s usually grumpy and was today without fail. My reaction to this thing from her has been to sublimate and shield myself from her domineering need. But rather than ‘go into that’ total self blot out mindset I wanted also to remember my sense of awareness of my personal projects that had come to me yesterday. So rather than be in denial and consumed in bodily passions appetite instincts as happens when I deny all and shield from all the sisters inputs. I instead stood firm, above the water line. I was going to tell her ‘the way you talk to me makes me feel uncomfortable’ but i decided not to. I realized that each of us has space there to be ourselves and I just had to deal with the hurt from her and not make my personality and standards the law of the land. In other words my personality didn’t need to fill the room and the idealizations for how things should be fell away (as has been my way to cope unconsciously.)
The awareness and awakening to staying on my own projects are forming an image in my head about myself and the way I’m making my life, like how I scrambling with things to fill a void, financially and emotionally. I am praying and trying to keep things more orderly and thoughtful and self responsible.
Coming back to my room and Blue is my sense of sanctuary calm and restoration.