Viewpoint

I've been having some 'side-bar' exchanges with Gwen and I'm going to make some lifestyle changes. They may or maynot help, I'll see what transpires. Something else that came up yesterday reading an article has a part in this new viewpoint: I'm a pessimist. I have been for as long as I can remember. The general tone is that this is a tragic flaw and portends nothing but doom for the pessimists; obviously the article was written by an optimist, passing judgment as usual. Even so, it'simportant that I don't deny it as some sort of fatal flaw to my personhood, it's more important to observe the behavior for the moment. It's actually on a scale, and everyone lands somewhere between the two poles, without one being 'better' than the other. Gwen has suggested several times that I "lower my expectations" and now I agree. But which expectations? The pessimistic ones. You see, Gwen speaks optimism-ese and I speak pessimism-ese, and these languages sound the same, and yet they're two different dialects. I have been a pessimist all my life, I look for obstacles, problems to solve. It seems to be inherent, and it may be a "guy"-thing. I was having a conversation yesterday with my ex-boss and we discussed the guy attitude of wanting to "fix" everything. I don't know where we get it from, it could be our mothers; you know the old saying "if momma's not happy, no one is happy". Perhaps that's how we become codependent, since that's who we all depend on to get most of our early needs met. If mom's a bitch, life becomes a bitch! (Just my opinion at the moment.)  The point I'm trying to make to myself, is that it's worked out well for me sometimes in the past. My background was construction, as most of my friends know, and in that occupation you're constantly aware of what needs to be done by whom, with what tools, and what materials, and when, and in what correct order so as not to screw-up and make costly mistakes. I was constantly looking for what could possibly be an obstacle to be overcome before it came up; to 'fix' things before they became a problem; and once they did the onus was "how am I going to fix the embarassing problem" (since I was obviously supposed to be able to predict the problem beforehand). That field is loaded with negativity! I don't believe optimists do well in the field as workers, craftsmen. Being optimistic about getting 70% done as 'good' or 'average' doesn't work here, anymore than geting 70% of a car's brake-job done correctly works well. And it's ALWAYS about the money! Whatever it is, it costs too much. Cost over-runs are typical since very few people in construction are psychics and can predict the future for the entire length of the job; 3 months or three years, or account for every possible problem without actually doing the work in real time (experientially). It can make people like me very anxious; and it has. That's why I don't do it anymore, too painful emotionally. I'm drained. Now back to the topic; pessimism. As I stated, "Hi, my name I Richard, and I'm a pessimist." The expectation I need to be constantly aware of, and how it operates in my life and mind, is my initial pessimism to doing anything. To learn that it is a habit of choice, and a well ingrained habit. It's automatic to the point I'm seldom aware I'm doing it. The neurons in my brain have created a well worn collective pattern of use under almost any triggering event, and has well-formed myalin sheaths on the connecting axons to make them stronger and to work better and faster; not to mention the receptor sites or the brain chemicals. So that part of the problem is actually physical. These neurons have a physical circuit set up, and changing that circuit may take a while. Developing new circuits will require new learning, with conscious awareness. That's why change is so hard sometimes, the reactions seem to be "hard-wired", and technically, they are. The neurons have their circuit set up from early childhood and have been functioning as a unit since they were first set in motion. That's why it's important to take baby-steps. Each neuron needs to make a new connection, a different one. A new path needs to be developed, with intention. And at this time the medical profession is not equipped with the technology or information to make the change physically. So the only resort is "intention" and "awareness". And remember, these electrical charges between the neurons work in milli-seconds, very fast! So mistakes at "catching" the habit are difficult and therefore mistakes at changing can be accepted as "normal". Not to mention that ALL the triggering stimulations are not part of awareness, so you never know what will "cause" the pessimistic network to fire until after it has fired. Attention can be frustrated and tired by overly constant awareness. It'll take some time, in other words, and constant failures to "get it right" will be constant and many. However, the more one intends to change by accepting the failures, the more progress is made. It's like learning to ride a bicylce, and learning to be more optimistic when you're a pessimist is going to be challenging for me at first.  Again, the most important part of the process right now is awareness that I'm going to approach EVERTHING pessimistically. No apologies, no shame, no denials. For now it is who I am.   Merry Christmas! ( or "How can I possibly be Merry with all the problems I have coming up?! Have I done EVERYTHING right? Will everyone appreciate me? Will they talk about my failures to read their minds?! Oh, God; I'll be glad when all this stress is over." It's a choice thing.) What a great present to get for Christmas: less pessimistic, less co-dependent. I look forward to it.