very tired but setting the task to writing

It's weird how I feel so weak and helpless at times, and I just can't find my footing or grounding

in a powerful way - but then I know I just have to push myself to committ to doing something

and that task becomes my 'goal du jour.' As much as I would like to live in my fantasy and seamlessly

go from dream to creation - I know that the dream has to be given a rationality of 'how to' and 'push forward in the moment one step at a time' - It's like holding two ideas within - both the spirit and the efficient.

I sometimes can't sustain my personality (if that makes sense) I feel wobbly headed and like

a bottomless pit - (as I said "I feel so weak") but I know I can kick my butt into gear and set a goal for myself and just do it. Whatever I set my sights upon.. whichever "it" it is! :)

Thanks for indulging me here - My therapist said that writing it out and talking

it out is also know as "Narrative Therapy" - it's a legit thing! Wild hunh? :)

Like I have to see it through either way in order to work it out...

What I wrote today at the gelato shop:

I found myself thinking about taking my next step beyond just cleaning up after work.

I thought about my life in Toronto and how the excitement of the city called to me. So,

I was always exploring new areas and engaged in activities like planting a city garden, going to museums, or shopping for nice clothes, or going to charity events.

Here I am now though, in suburbia and not much calls to me out here. But what I thought about was

how I used to paint and draw. It was an act of inspiration and currently I find it very hard to go back to that activity. I ust don't have the strength I thought. But then I realized 'what if this is now a momentum issue?'  So along those lines I've come to understand the notion of putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It's like I am adding a rationality to my fantasy and inspiration.

And with that I know what to do. Likewise I thought about how I use to be so keen on decorating my home. It frightens me to 'go with' my fantasy or dream, but I have realized I can give it a rationality 'a la' self responsibility. And so I hold the fantasy inside along with a pragmatic in my mind...

Again I can feel so weak  - and it feels like the external world doesn't support my internal world 

or aspiration...where I draw my strength from is it from another person's enthusiasm? Or

a sense of aesthetics?

Or maybe my strength comes from some other source? 

Structure of the day and willfull direction... that's me I think.

There's no one way to get at it - it's doesn't matter how you get it done..

it's that you do get it done. Don't invalidate your personal method or madness if

the job is done swell...

nuff said.

I need to get my meds and clothes ready for work tomorrow.

Then I need to do the dishes and then I go to dinner at the parental units house.