Very differant.

  Today I had an interesting day. work went well until the afternoon. The chef, as has become more usual, was acting like a jerk telling me to do things that had no sense to it. i think that this is his way of trying to flex his authority. To me it's straight up abuse. anyway, I've gotten to the point that i just tell him to go do it himself. i've told him over and over to just show me how you want it done, but he just says something totally stupid, like, "You should know how, " and then walks away. Well, i've had it with that shit. I just throw down the papers and tell him to do it himself. Just isn't any way of dealing with his stupidness. All the other staff know this about him too, so it's not just me. I really don't give a fuck about going out of my way to get along anymore. He's made it far to blatant. Today too, he tried comming out with this thing trying to make like I'm smoking at my work station. The manager called me into his office while I was finishing up. He showed me this soup bowl he said he found at my station. Sorry but I lost it. At first I was keeping cool, but then he said they were Native cigarettes, the brand I smoke. I told him in front of the manager to go fuck himself. I picked up the butts, which had been smoked right to the filter, and said, "How the fuck would you know there Native cigarettes, of course the brand I smoke, unless you put them there. Looking at them there was no way to tell what brand they were. I really lost it, but still in a good way I think. I swore and called him a few things. He didn't know what to say. The night cleaners could have left them, or who knows when were closed. The cafeteria is an open concept, so anyone can walk around. That really got me tho when he tried saying what brand they were. There was nothing but the filter. Even the manager knew I was right. Where I work, I'm right in front of customers all the time, and there absolutely would be no way you could smoke without someone seeing. The manager knows too , that even when it's not my break time, whenever I want a smoke, or need one, I always ask to go out. He really stuck his foot in his mouth tho, by saying what brand it was. Not even the boys in forensics could have done that. I told him he was really amazing for that, and that I never met someone that could do that, especially when he and I smoke the same cigarettes that we buy off the security guard. I swore a few more times, but the manager never tried to stop me. She knew I was right. I had a real talk with her later before I left. I told her what I have been experiencing with him since starting work there. She said he's been written up about things a few times. Well, no more. From now on no more going out of my way to be nice. I've hated that anyway. Made me feel like I was kissing his ass. No more tho. From now on it's strictly profesional. I got his number now. I feel much better now that we have all the cards on the table. I know exactly whats what, and it's not just me, or my imagination. He can try all he wants, anything. All their getting from me from now on is just plain old fashioned honest work. No need to kiss ass anymore. Yahooooo to that. That's one thing that makes me feel bad, and tends to play over and over when I get home. i don't need to do that anymore. Thank you, Lord. It felt good hearing the manager also say that she didn't feel that it was me. Most of my life I was always guilty as sin, but not this one. Thank God. He is a real goof. I will pray too for him because he really needs it. He's younger than me, and has the capacity to be a very good person. I know his life is very miserable, and he tries to hide that, but it shows. I think that his failed marriage really fucked up any happiness he might have had. I do feel sorry for him, but I can feel sorry for snakes to, but I don't turn my back from them, or take my eyes off them. They'll bite at the first chance, just the same as him. Aside from that, I had an E-mail waiting when I got home from Cathy. She seems to think too much when she's alone. I went overlast weekend, and we seemed to have fun and be all right. We both agreed that a relationship right now most likely would not be good for neither one of us. We made dinner, played a video game of hers, and played some cards. we watched some T.V, and cuddled a little, but nothing serious. she mentioned at one point that if it wasn't for her operation, and having to take it easy she would really want to have sex. It was just talk, because we both know that's imposible right now. Otherwise everything went very well. We even talked with each other during the week, a couple of times. Nothing was wrong or anything, but with this E-mail it was like she was trying to break up or something, nicely, or just saying we needed to just be freinds. Seemed a bit confusing to me anyway. I phoned her about it, and we talked. I really didn't understand because as far as I know we are just freinds. Alright, we cuddled because we both seem to like that, but that's all. Anyway, she was explaining about us not getting serious, but as far as I knew we both agreed that we would just be freinds. Now either she's short a french fry from a happy meal, or something is going on besides what I know about. Anyway, we both left the conversation with the understanding that we would see each other ocasionally. just these past few talks with her, that have been similar to this one, just makes me think that I'm alright where I am. I don't need a relationship, especially with this type of thing. With Tim gone, I feel very good about things just the way they are. I especially don't need to get mixed up with someone that really doesn't know what they want from one minute to the next. After the phone call I decided that I won't phone her this weekend. If she phones here, fine, but I'm not calling her. It's not being spteful or anything. She just seems a little mixed up. Perhaps some time is what she needs. Anyway, let it go where it needs to. I'm focusing on my recovery, and very glad to be doing it again. If I ever lose that hope, I think I'm dead. I took all the sheets and comforters out of Tim's room down to the laundrymat. Even having to handle them made me flinch a little, but I got them all nice and clean and smelling so good now. The room is clean, and the bed is nice. I have all the pillows on it, all five that my freind G left here. Taught me how to have real comfort in sleeping. Always just used one, and a sheet most times, but right now I have about three sheets. Two huge comforters for Jimmy to get lost in. Five fluffy pillows. All I'm missing is her personal pillows, and I would almost be in heaven again. Ha, I know she's gonna read this and give me shit, but it's true. Have to work an honest program. I'm looking foreward to sleeping like a king tonight with Jimmy. He is too. He's already claimed his spot. I went to the C.A. meeting tonight. That young guy that I didn't like much was chairing. it's not that I don't like him, he just has this stupid attitude that he gets into. i know it's only a nervous thing because he just doesn't feel right being himself. He's actually a very good hearted person, and talks nice around me. I think that he's just one of those people that never feels right. Feels awkward all the time. The last few times I've seen him, I have wondered to myself why the people at the meetings don't try to help him. They always just seem to laugh, and go along with his foolishness. He ends up thinking that he's funny, and continues even more. I got this weird feeling like God was nudging me to do something. "I've just been watching him for the last while, but having this feeling that I needed to do something with him. I knew he was having a real bad day. He was chairing the meeting, and almost started crying. After the meeting, I took him aside and asked if he wanted to go for a coffee, and that I wanted to talk to him. I know he's always liked me, but felt too awkward to aproach me. Anyway, I invited him over to my place for coffee, and to talk. I decided that because I'm familiar with what he's going through, because I too felt fucked up and awkward most of my younger years, perhaps this was God's way of offering us both a chance to grow. With Tim gone, I have the means to offer him a safe place that I feel would do him much good. He told me he was looking for a place, and that him and this other guy with two months recovery were talking about getting a place together. I know i don't have much time either since my last drink, but I still feel I can offer him something. He seems like a good young man that just needs some guidance. A freind. I also thought that I could also benefit a lot by this type of responsibilty. I could take him in, and try to be the brother or father that he never had. Some would disagree, but i really felt that this is what God wants me to do. it's a weird feeling, but I really care about him. I was the same as him, and I know how horible living like that is. When I was younger I felt so bad, and hated myself that I slashed my wrist while drunk a few times. Didn't want to die, but just did it because i felt no good. anyway, I brought him here and we talked a lot of good things. It felt like it was meant to be. I told him a lot about myself. He seen how quiet the place is, and how nice. I told him that even if he chooses not to live here, I'm going to give him a key so he can have a safe place that he can get away when he wants. It seems like such a weird thing, because I really didn't like his attitude at the meetings, but I know for sure now that it's just a front. In the middle of talking he realized that he felt good now, and not like he was at the meeting. God's really got some ideas sometimes. I felt so good too about everything, especially him really liking me, and listening. anyway, I want to go on, but it's late and I need some rest myself. Been a very good day after all. Thank you, Lord, and Amen.