Venture

I think that my life has been locked in for a very long time. Even as I say I try, I do new things, and I become more comfortable with some little event, I always felt as if I was staying in the same place. Like I was walking on a path for a while before realizing that I was seeing the same bushes again and again. That sense of uneasiness pervaded my every achievement- even if I did not acknowledge it. I stayed positive. I had to if I wanted to stay sane. I assured myself that I had done well. Now? I am not so sure. 

This relevation comes with downsides. In the future, I will be aware of the possibility that my achievements are just one more step on the neverending path. Or perhaps it is necessary to walk on that path in order to progress, in some strange and convoluted way? I don't know. I do know that I have left that path now. That is because I feel a new type of uneasiness. The sort where there's no real grounding anymore- like I've jumped off a cliff into the unknown and waiting for it to bring me what it will. I am very scared. But the fear is immesnely overshadowed by my confidence and enthusiasm- things will go well. I damn well know they will. 

A couple things triggered this feeling. For one, I've finally settled into a sort of art schedule. And a plan of what I want to do. My love for arts has always been built on a foundation of intense fear. I started out copying and in a way, I never graduated from the feeling I had while doing it. Spending hours and hours on one piece. replicating some damn lines and that's all they were- just lines- but so skillful and intertwined so well that I knew I could never do something like that on my own, couldn't even do it while straight up trying to copy it. And so I spend hours and hours, making sketchy lines and then scared of erasing them for having to make more. Finally ripping a hole in the paper for erasing too much. Art was painful back then. So it has been for many years, even as I have learned to make those lines. I felt as if I was floundering in a pool of possibilities. Endless paths to follow, things to learn, stuff to just do. Heck, that's art, there's just so many little aspects in even those stupid lines. 

Now I feel grounded somehow. I feel like I know what I'm going to do, even though I don't. And I'm confident that I'm going to forge something great for myself. It's an amazing feeling. It's not even that substantial, it's more like the absence of uncertainty than the presence of anything. Because goddammit, I'm gonna draw for hours everyday until I get f*cking carpal tunnel and screw anyone who doesn't think art can be a real career. 

Another thing that's changed my outlook. Forgiveness. Forgiving the parents. Hoo frickin boy. Thank you triunfadora, if you are reading this, for sparing me years more of pessimism and resentment. I think you quite literally changed my path in life when you suggested that option- forgiveness. It's everywhere, the concept of it, but I've yet to see the reality of it. It just didn't seem like something that could be done. But goddamn, not having to live with constant annoyance and pessimism is so extremely liberating. It leaves space for other things. Today I actually hugged my dad because he looked downtrodden and brought my mom ice cream because she had been working. Out of desire to do such things. Because goddamn, maybe they deserve getting blasted into a black hole but that doesn't mean I'm gonna make myself miserable making it happen. 

Final reason- I think- is that I'm finally taking steps towards my own future. There's just so much pressure these days on us students, and we try not to show it but we're all damn terrified of what comes after high school. Going to college and finding a job, we avoid thinking about it all the time because it's terrifying. Constantly having it pushed onto us, too, told how important it all is. I only ever wanted to run away from it, and knowing that this stuff is literally my whole life made it worse. I can't imagine one day not living in a nice house, with parents who watch after me, going to school where there are people and classes and teachers and basically I'm living a life where nothing really actually matters. But the life I'm going to life, my actions will suddenly start to matter and I'm damn terrified. All those people out there telling me to grow up and stop being naive and you won't make it (they can shove their heads up their asses) make it worse. It's as if everything I do is for this impossible future that I can't really believe will happen. But I know it will and I'm petrified of becoming a starving artist. But now I've actually gone and done research on it and watched videos from real people in real jobs. They are humans too. Just like me. They also graduated from high school and were scared and couldn't do much at first. But they ended up making a living ( I can't ask for much more) and why can't I? And goddammit, life freaking sucks but who goddamn cares? Even if life is crushing you under their smelly ass foot do you let yourself be crushed? NO WAY. I'm going to do this. I'm gonna punch life in it's dumbass face. I'm going to love myself and go through so many experiences and find it in myself to love other people and to be with other people. I'm going to think deeply and look deeply and find people who accept me and we're gonna KICK. ASS. I'm going to find ways to be excited for tommorrow for my whole life- if life isn't exciting, then I'm living it wrong. I'm going to wring everything I can out of this stupid life I have and I'm going to go out happy. That's all I could ever wish for. That's all I ever want. 

Now I better damn well work for it.