venting, venting, venting. getting it out......

my rheumy is a bully.  been thinking and praying about it.........what she said, how she acted, disbelief that she yelled.....apologized, then slammed the door.  then as i was being escorted out for CRYING.......i was then swiftly ushered back in to the same exam room.....she enters, she speaks like a good person, nice words......but she's not done.

she then proceeds to attack me verbally.....wanting immediate responses, grilling me like i'm on the witness stand.  she is doing this in front of a medical intern who is only on her fourth day at this practice.  i feel so bad for her and for me.

she is mocking me....then she takes sample meds away from me and essentially presents a deal.......she won't give me these meds if i going to present a problem as a crierrrrrrrrr.  she leans on the word crier.........is she a bully or what else could this be?  it's a do you want this med even though i can't promise you that we'll have it regularly?  i mean if you're gonna cry cause we don't have it........if you're gonna come in here cryinnnnnnnn all the time.  i'm like what the hey.....

i had two weeks of hell on the methotrexate, migraines, intestinal pain.  rough crappy weeks of suffering on top of already being ill.  and now i again have to wait for HOURS to see her......i see her going in to see a patient who arrived long after i did......who is being treated ahead of me.  then someone comes in to talk to me......says i'll be right back, but never returns.  i sit and sit and sit and sit.

i feel so alone in that room, the light hurts my eyes, my stomach is upset, my body aches and i'm exhausted.  my glands hurt......things have not gone well these last months in her care.  for the last month i've been teary and or crying a good bit.  it takes a lot to get me to that breaking point.......but now that i'm here certain people, places, things trigger the tears.  she is now one of those triggers.  after 2.5 hours i am moved into a different exam room where i again sit and sit and sit.  my vision is too wonky too read.....i want to lie down with all of my being.  finally i use the bathroom again and this time i leave the door open. 

this prompts someone on staff to tell her that i'm still waiting.  so now she comes in and when i ask her a question, when i say i don't. understand something, she is defensive, resentful at having to answer a question......apparently no one is allowed to ask her for explanations.  i started to cry which made her even more resentful......words flew between the two of us and she began mocking me.  when i said i didn't understand she began repeating her exact words in an overly enunciated way.  she was being a jerk.  a real jerk.

i heard what she said, i didn't understand why she kept changing from this plan to another, then to another.......and then another.  I found it very confusing.  she doesn't seem to be thinking about me as a patient at all.......she just rattles stuff off......it's like she's shifting gears on mountain roads and the patient has nothing to do with her.  i'm just in the way.

i know i have to change. it's hard.  the first appt at another rheumy is now scheduled for March 21, 2019.  I am trying to see a second rheumy sooner......that is in the works.  my primary doc sent the records over, but they have. yet to call personally so i can get on a cancellation list and hopefully get in sooner.  with out the call from my doc to try to be seen sooner i can't get in earlier no matter now many cancelled appts they have at their practice.

i am leary, afraid of new doctors, not in a paranoid way, more like what if the new doc is worse?  if you go to a doc now in our area and don't like him for whatever reason, you are NOT ALLOWED to see any other doctor at that practice.  there aren't a ton of rheumatologists in our area.

at one point i asked her why she never talks to me about my CFS......in all these months she hasn't mentioned it one time.  not even one question......something that has stolen a. huge part of my quality of life every day for more than two decades.  she went on the attack in another direction......i may have been too brain foggy to verbally spar with her........see, i don't mind when someone defends themselves or their work........that's one thing... but when i or any patient is attacked because we CRIED.....because we're so sick we feel like we're losing it......that we now have traces of depression dancing around us........then why would that be the time for a doctor to kick us with harsh words and mocking attitudes? 

i keep looking at that stupid bag of samples and i can't bring myself to take a pill......not a one.  i feel that she used that against me, that this one medicine actually worked.......why does that make her so cruel?  holding it over me like a carrot dangling over a starving horse?  it's that medicine rayos......the steroid that gives the patient all the positives of prednisone with none of the negative side effects.  ........it's alot to deal with.  i'm supposed to go back november 19th to see if i'm allergive to sulfa drugs......and God only knows what that treatment means.......i never know cause she is too arrogant to explain things without making fun in a very condescending conceited arrogant way.........

she said i remember when you first came here, you were so alive, so this, so that........even though you were sick you were so feisty.....and now, look at. you.......a crier.  wow, wow........so after all these years crying is not allowed.  i asked her when can a patient cry?  when it is ok?  allowed.......then she switched into appropriate tones and canned speak.  of course you can cry here, of course we care........and then moments later she began berating me again.  oh my God.

can't turn her in.......the intern can't help.  don't want to end her career before it even begins.  docs like this tend to dismiss and label patients as difficult and other things much less pleasant.  i can't afford to be blacklisted.......i'm praying about this.

right now all i want to do is be ok being at home.  not bother anybody, not push for help or hope or friends or church or well anything.  i feel like giving up and committing to being a hermit, a recluse.  cause for me the other stuff is not working. i ate breakfast mid morning, slept until 4 pm.....it's already getting dark outside....it's almost 6 pm now.

ifi give up holidays, birthdays, regular stuff like the usual things i was doing i can save time, energy......if i were a dude i'd grow a beard......i'm in a senstive space.....the world feels too rough.