Venting time
Okay- so even though I recognize the term "force" is not 100% accurate- it's a Monday- a day I was not coming in so I didn't have to see the douche- but I'm really busy so I'm forced to be here. Yes, I could have taken all my shit home- but they level of frustration I would have had to deal with to accomplish this at home is just not worth it to me. So I guess "force" is not accurate- I made a choice.
I'm sitting here in my office with the door closed. I feel angst at the thought of seeing this dude. I didn't come here last monday and I felt a complete lack of angst all day. I recognized it b/c every Monday since this happened has been filled with angst- so when it wasn't there it was a welcome surprise.
I heard him whistling before. Like a happy whistle. I really fucking hate him. He is an utterly disgusting piece of shit. He never deserved me. NEVER. I don't give a damn if he whistles- he's probably conning some other poor lost soul into falling for his shit. On to the next one. Fuck him. Grrrrrr. I feel this incredible sense of rage. I don't know why, but for some reason I just read over the email I sent him- the one where I said everything I needed to say- the one he responded to by telling me that he was sorry he ever messed with me. I read it over. It's a great letter btw. I was damn near poetic in it. I said EVERYTHING I had to say. It was honest, but not nasty. Honest, but not sappy. Honest, but not critical of him. SO MUCH EFFORT WAS PUT INTO NOT OFFENDING HIM when i wrote that letter. SOOOOOO MUCH EFFORT. And for what? For fucking what? So he could gloss over it and respond with "sorry I ever crossed the line with you?" What a piece of SHIT!
I really believe everything happens for a reason- so I don't much believe in regret. That being said- I feel so fucking dumb for ever caring about his emotions in any way. I know I have to forgive myself. I am taking steps toward it- but dammit man. DAMN HIM. He needs to be drug out in the street and shot. If I thought it would do any good I would stop him in the hallway and bitch his punk ass out. But I know he would love that shit. He'd probably beat me- that or he'd do absolutely nothing. He'd feel so satisfied with himself. I will NOT give that to him. GRRRRR. Hatred is coursing through my veins. Whistling. Grrrrrrr. That disgusting piece of shit. I bet he knew I'd hear the whistling- absolutely everything he does is to derive some reaction from other people. I've had my door closed the entire time he was here. That means I obviously had no desire to talk to him. I'm sure that bothered him. Not because he gives a shit- but because its all about power and control.
God forgive me I am wishing horrible things to come upon this man. Horrible, horrible things. It's not fair that he walks away unscathed. It's just not fair. I know he has to live with the fact that he's a piece of shit. I know that. I also know I'm better for having gone through this entire scenrio. I know that also.
I know I am worthy of love. I know it is better to be alone then unhappy. I know one day I will find a man who deserves me and the relationship will be better for having suffered through this scenario. I know that sometime we have to experience what we don't need in our lives in order to teach us what we do need. I know that too. I know I am lucky he doesn't want me anymore.
I am thankful that he won't come up to my door. I am thankful that he is whistling b/c he met another woman to destroy- I'm thankful that woman isn't me. I gotta keep reminding myself of what I know.
I will get through this. Honestly, I'm thankful for the anger- b/c it's at him now- not at me. I know what an improvement that is.
I'm sitting here in my office with the door closed. I feel angst at the thought of seeing this dude. I didn't come here last monday and I felt a complete lack of angst all day. I recognized it b/c every Monday since this happened has been filled with angst- so when it wasn't there it was a welcome surprise.
I heard him whistling before. Like a happy whistle. I really fucking hate him. He is an utterly disgusting piece of shit. He never deserved me. NEVER. I don't give a damn if he whistles- he's probably conning some other poor lost soul into falling for his shit. On to the next one. Fuck him. Grrrrrr. I feel this incredible sense of rage. I don't know why, but for some reason I just read over the email I sent him- the one where I said everything I needed to say- the one he responded to by telling me that he was sorry he ever messed with me. I read it over. It's a great letter btw. I was damn near poetic in it. I said EVERYTHING I had to say. It was honest, but not nasty. Honest, but not sappy. Honest, but not critical of him. SO MUCH EFFORT WAS PUT INTO NOT OFFENDING HIM when i wrote that letter. SOOOOOO MUCH EFFORT. And for what? For fucking what? So he could gloss over it and respond with "sorry I ever crossed the line with you?" What a piece of SHIT!
I really believe everything happens for a reason- so I don't much believe in regret. That being said- I feel so fucking dumb for ever caring about his emotions in any way. I know I have to forgive myself. I am taking steps toward it- but dammit man. DAMN HIM. He needs to be drug out in the street and shot. If I thought it would do any good I would stop him in the hallway and bitch his punk ass out. But I know he would love that shit. He'd probably beat me- that or he'd do absolutely nothing. He'd feel so satisfied with himself. I will NOT give that to him. GRRRRR. Hatred is coursing through my veins. Whistling. Grrrrrrr. That disgusting piece of shit. I bet he knew I'd hear the whistling- absolutely everything he does is to derive some reaction from other people. I've had my door closed the entire time he was here. That means I obviously had no desire to talk to him. I'm sure that bothered him. Not because he gives a shit- but because its all about power and control.
God forgive me I am wishing horrible things to come upon this man. Horrible, horrible things. It's not fair that he walks away unscathed. It's just not fair. I know he has to live with the fact that he's a piece of shit. I know that. I also know I'm better for having gone through this entire scenrio. I know that also.
I know I am worthy of love. I know it is better to be alone then unhappy. I know one day I will find a man who deserves me and the relationship will be better for having suffered through this scenario. I know that sometime we have to experience what we don't need in our lives in order to teach us what we do need. I know that too. I know I am lucky he doesn't want me anymore.
I am thankful that he won't come up to my door. I am thankful that he is whistling b/c he met another woman to destroy- I'm thankful that woman isn't me. I gotta keep reminding myself of what I know.
I will get through this. Honestly, I'm thankful for the anger- b/c it's at him now- not at me. I know what an improvement that is.
Replies
Oh wow! I think something\'s in the air, because as I\'m trying to fix this goddamn house up (without lazy ass) to sell, I was just writing my own poem/song. It goes something like this:
Somebody pass me the kerosene,
the gasoline,
and the match to light the fire.
Done with that psycho,
and I would LOVE to watch it all burn,
even all my stuff.
A new start,
the next day,
and he can go F**K himself! : )
I\'m not very creative! LOL! The best I could come up with in the last couple hours. Just so you know, you have a kindred spirit sharing every bit of that rage!
Hang in there with my kiddo! Maybe tomorrow won\'t be so bad.
Haha- thanks babe- I need to know someone understands! Tomorrow will get better for both of us. Good for you for doing something positive with your rage! I love your poem!