Venting time

Okay- so even though I recognize the term "force" is not 100% accurate- it's a Monday- a day I was not coming in so I didn't have to see the douche- but I'm really busy so I'm forced to be here.  Yes, I could have taken all my shit home- but they level of frustration I would have had to deal with to accomplish this at home is just not worth it to me.  So I guess "force" is not accurate- I made a choice.
I'm sitting here in my office with the door closed.  I feel angst at the thought of seeing this dude.  I didn't come here last monday and I felt a complete lack of angst all day.  I recognized it b/c every Monday since this happened has been filled with angst- so when it wasn't there it was a welcome surprise. 
I heard him whistling before.  Like a happy whistle.  I really fucking hate him.  He is an utterly disgusting piece of shit.  He never deserved me.  NEVER.  I don't give a damn if he whistles- he's probably conning some other poor lost soul into falling for his shit.  On to the next one.  Fuck him.  Grrrrrr.  I feel this incredible sense of rage.  I don't know why, but for some reason I just read over the email I sent him- the one where I said everything I needed to say- the one he responded to by telling me that he was sorry he ever messed with me.  I read it over.  It's a great letter btw.  I was damn near poetic in it.  I said EVERYTHING I had to say.  It was honest, but not nasty.  Honest, but not sappy.  Honest, but not critical of him.  SO MUCH EFFORT WAS PUT INTO NOT OFFENDING HIM when i wrote that letter.  SOOOOOO MUCH EFFORT.  And for what?  For fucking what?  So he could gloss over it and respond with "sorry I ever crossed the line with you?" What a piece of SHIT! 
I really believe everything happens for a reason- so I don't much believe in regret.  That being said- I feel so fucking dumb for ever caring about his emotions in any way.  I know I have to forgive myself.  I am taking steps toward it- but dammit man.  DAMN HIM.  He needs to be drug out in the street and shot.  If I thought it would do any good I would stop him in the hallway and bitch his punk ass out.  But I know he would love that shit.  He'd probably beat me- that or he'd do absolutely nothing.  He'd feel so satisfied with himself.  I will NOT give that to him.  GRRRRR.  Hatred is coursing through my veins.   Whistling.  Grrrrrrr.  That disgusting piece of shit.  I bet he knew I'd hear the whistling- absolutely everything he does is to derive some reaction from other people.  I've had my door closed the entire time he was here.  That means I obviously had no desire to talk to him.  I'm sure that bothered him.  Not because he gives a shit- but because its all about power and control. 
God forgive me I am wishing horrible things to come upon this man.  Horrible, horrible things.  It's not fair that he walks away unscathed.  It's just not fair.  I know he has to live with the fact that he's a piece of shit.  I know that.  I also know I'm better for having gone through this entire scenrio.  I know that also.
I know I am worthy of love.  I know it is better to be alone then unhappy.  I know one day I will find a man who deserves me and the relationship will be better for having suffered through this scenario.  I know that sometime we have to experience what we don't need in our lives in order to teach us what we do need.  I know that too.  I know I am lucky he doesn't want me anymore.
I am thankful that he won't come up to my door.  I am thankful that he is whistling b/c he met another woman to destroy- I'm thankful that woman isn't me.  I gotta keep reminding myself of what I know. 
I will get through this.  Honestly, I'm thankful for the anger- b/c it's at him now- not at me.  I know what an improvement that is.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh wow! I think something\'s in the air, because as I\'m trying to fix this goddamn house up (without lazy ass) to sell, I was just writing my own poem/song. It goes something like this:

Somebody pass me the kerosene,
the gasoline,
and the match to light the fire.
Done with that psycho,
and I would LOVE to watch it all burn,
even all my stuff.
A new start,
the next day,
and he can go F**K himself! : )

I\'m not very creative! LOL! The best I could come up with in the last couple hours. Just so you know, you have a kindred spirit sharing every bit of that rage!

Hang in there with my kiddo! Maybe tomorrow won\'t be so bad.
serenity92580
serenity92580

Haha- thanks babe- I need to know someone understands! Tomorrow will get better for both of us. Good for you for doing something positive with your rage! I love your poem!