venting like a total baby.

Last week Georgia held the first ever senior luncheon statewide.  Seniors were bussed in from any participating county and over 700 seniors enjoyed lunch, speakers, comraderie and fun! 

Debra said she was going to ride the senior bus to get there.  The ride from the center to the place was about 2 blocks.  She said, " Well you know it's so much easier for me and everything."

I tried to be ok, not feel bummed but I was    .......so bummed.  IF we go together I pick her up, take her where she/I/we want to go as we have the past few months and that week on Wednesday she needed a ride to the OWLS meeting and I took her.  I was glad to do that.....when we got there she picked a table where we were the only two people there.  She goes to the senior center 3 times a week and she lives with family so for her there is a lot more ongoing interaction with others.  The center picks her up/brings her home.  I don't live in that county so I don't qualify for rides, but I am allowed to go there as I am able. It's a bit of a hike for me.....but I am welcome there.  Deb has never said you should come........not once. 

Should she think of me?  Should she think my new friend would love to go too,or think I would hate for Ruthie to have to go alone?  I don't know...  she did what was easier for her.  It hurt my feelings........how tough skinned do I need to be in this situation?  I didn't say anything to her about it.......then later when we talked on the phone she didn't mention the event.....so I brought it up.  She told me how amazing it was.......well done, hopes they do it for years to come and so on and so forth.

I felt so left out.  Like a wee boo burpin baby.  pitiful or not that's how i felt.  time to vent finally......but I tried to let it go, tried to be a big girl about it all.......but no I didn't understand.  How is it that it's ok for her to ask me for rides but then exclude me invitationally.......could she be mad at me?

Feel stupid......so I think the week end is coming, the long Memorial week end.....I'll invite her to be my guest to go swimming.....I'll pick up the tab.  I know her money is always tight at the end of the month.  She says, "Well the first thing is the weather, it's going to be bad all week end long.  I dont' want to get out in all that. Then she says, I don't have a bathing suit......then she says she can't afford it.

I said well a suit would be necessary.......the weather is unpredictable, but if the sun came out and if you had a suit, I was inviting you to go as my guest.......so she says well maybe after she gets settled into her new place.........she's still on a waiting list for ???. 

She was number 37 in January and now she is number 25........so it could be another six months for all we know......so what is she telling me?  I said I'd been thinking about taking an overnight trip to the lake and she said maybe when she gets into her new place    she could do that.........so maybe she could go next year?  I told her I could take care of the hotel/gas & most of the incidentals. 

I think the best thing to do is to get an owls directory from the admin for our group and expand my friendships.  It's hard to stop those feelings....the ones where my head says I've never asked her for a dime for gas, I've never said no to a ride she needed......human nature can feel very confusing at times.......feeling hurt cause she didn't say, "Let's work out a time for you to pick me up and we'll go together.........that did not happen. 

I'm probably over reacting, I don't know, I haven't seen another human being all week long........and Deb doesn't want to do one thing all week end......she said "we're not doing anything.....we're staying home."

so now it's a we (as in family all staying home instead of the usual I can't wait to go, can't wait to get out, this is so much fun.......maybe she's not having fun anymore?  My gut worries that I hurt her feelings somehow, another part of me wonders if she is selfish and I just don't want to see it?  confused in Georgia..........and I've definitely been in the house too long.  When I told her today had been a really bad day for me, she said I was handling things well.........I cried several times this morning.  IT felt like my feelings were handling me.........do I seem that strong?  life can be hard.  I think I'll get in my car and geat outta here, rain or not here I come.........