Venting i guess.

Sitting here on my day off in the quite sipping on coffee. Feeling depressed and nor motivated to do much. Seems like efforts to do things are useless. Same old daily tasks taking up my time. Tons of negative thoughts. I just want to enjoy some things but its like my mind wont let me. 

At times i wish i lived by myself. It would bring such freedom. Freedom from having to worry about others. I would only have to pick up after myself. I feel like everyones maid here. There is no place to get away. I cant even do laundry because there is vomit in the wash sink of the washer from someone. I hate myself for not speaking up about it. The whoka mess down stairs is ridiculous. 

I think to myself that you have to deal with things you dont like id you want a relatioship to work. Compromise. No long term relationship lasts without that. How much does someone compromise? I dont want to be along or without him. 

Today i just feel frustrated. Halloween is right around the corner. My use to be fravorite holiday. I dont even want to decorate. Just feel like its a waste of time. Even Christmas i think that i will down size this year. I aways try to make it good for everyone yet all the trouble isnt worth the money i spend. Gift cards is what i am doing. To many things bought that are not used. So i need to learn my leason and go a new route this year. I am greatful my kids are always thankful and use the things i get them. They know i work hard to try and make the holidays good. 

I think the holidays coming also is a triger to remind me of last year. How i was going about things as normal unknowing about my love searching the internet for sex and chatting with woman. Sending dirting pics and videos. Sexting and maybe meeting up with woman. Its so easy with this day and age of technology to discretely find a person to hook up with. All the times he was gone. I have no idea what went on but can only imagine. This changes a person so much when they are betrayed. I was is a world of illusions vefore. Thinking he was devoted and in love with me as i was him. Since then i stopped wearing our engagment ring. The ring meant nothing to him anyways. We were engaged for over a year and he never told his daughters. When i finally posted on facebook about it his daughter got upset. I seen at that point i was living a dream thinking about getting married. I took all the things he bought me jewelry and all and put it in a box. Its been under my bed since then. Marriage is a joke. The only ones thats work are the ones where each person can deal with eachothers bullshit and turn their cheek to things. 

I think that i might be making my day worse by reminding myself of all this crap. Gonna finish my coffee and try to climb out of this whole.