Venting again
I feel down. I'm sad, I think. I think I'm depressed. I don't want to do anything. I'm ready for school to be over. My ex, I realized today, is a huge trigger for me. He is the biggest proof that I control nothing. The only thing I have the ability to control is what goes in my mouth...and sometimes, I lose control of that (I binged a little bit yesterday). I'm miserable most of the time....I'm so miserable that I can't always tell when I'm sad, LOL! It's pathetic. I'm so used to being hurt, alone, used, rejected, etc, that I actually expect that and am more prepared for that than I am for things actually going right. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up. I don't believe in love. I don't want kids anymore (even when I dream about it, and wish for it, and long for it, I can't see myself bringing a child into THIS world....no). I don't trust anyone, and can't let anyone get too close. It sucks, but I am a mess and this is just who I am. I hate my life. I want it to get better, but everytime it does, something else bad happens. Everytime things start to look like they will finally be good...like my life is finally going to be good, something bad, sad, upsetting, etc happens.
I'm 25. I've been in love, but I've also been hurt by that love. I had/have an eating disorder, was terrified of getting fat, started binging, and got fat...and haven't lost the weight yet. I've been fat and ugly for almost 6 years now. The love of my damn life is with another fucking woman that he loves and wants it to "work out with" (even though he isn't thinking about marriage right now). All of my hopes of marriage, happiness, and family has been slapped to the ground and stomped all over. I used to be so sexy that men assaulted me, raped me, harassed me, talked to me, begged me to get with them, and really pursued me.....but now, I'm a woman that men barely ever look at, and I can count on one hand, maybe two, how many guys have tried to talk to me, or at least have sex with me in the past 6 years......my ex says I'm beautiful, attractive, sexy....but he seems to be the only one that thinks that way. I have another year of school left......I'm gonna graduate with my first degree at the age of 26...I've never really had a real job or anything...just one time, and it barely lasted 4 months...I was fired...and it wasn't explained why...and the job I had was as a janitor....that was the only job I was ever able to get, and I was pulled into it. Besides work study, I never filled out an application and got hired...nobody ever picks me...even my work study job, I was pulled in, both times.........I'm never picked. My old college (Sc State) didn't help me get back in, I actually tried to get back into The Art Institute, after getting scared that I wouldn't be able to get back into school...and they ignored me. I had a dream, a vision (it seemed like) of me on SC State drumline again, marching with my friends, but it was a lie. Mr. Ellis didn't even give me a chance to audition for a scholarship...I needed less than $8,000, and I would have been back at SC State...but no body really did all that much to help me...jobs never pick me. Even my ex wanted to see other people. Even when that wasn't going well, but we were still messing around and doing things lovers do, he still didn't take me back. He was always talking to someone else, and never talked to me. He never gave me another chance. I visited him and his family for 4 years...2 were after we broke up......and he still never picked me. Even when he was just talking to Kierra, and it was serious (I didn't know at the time), he still never picked me. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy too? Why is life always so unfair to me? Am I ugly or something? Even my best friend didn't want me in her life anymore. All of my friends have gone. Everybody I loved...everything I loved...everything I wanted has gone from me......this is not how I expected my life to be at all. I expected so much more than this! I guess that's what I get for letting my hopes get all high and shit, LOL! Dreams, love, hope, and all that other shit is all overrated bull crap. It hurts every time. It fails every time. There is no magic in this world. Only people. People with their own wills. People that can decide what they want and don't want. People that can change their minds. People that only think about themselves over others. People are shit. This world is shit. Life is shit. And expecting anything from anyone, anything, or whatever will give you nothing but SHIT.
I'm 25. I've been in love, but I've also been hurt by that love. I had/have an eating disorder, was terrified of getting fat, started binging, and got fat...and haven't lost the weight yet. I've been fat and ugly for almost 6 years now. The love of my damn life is with another fucking woman that he loves and wants it to "work out with" (even though he isn't thinking about marriage right now). All of my hopes of marriage, happiness, and family has been slapped to the ground and stomped all over. I used to be so sexy that men assaulted me, raped me, harassed me, talked to me, begged me to get with them, and really pursued me.....but now, I'm a woman that men barely ever look at, and I can count on one hand, maybe two, how many guys have tried to talk to me, or at least have sex with me in the past 6 years......my ex says I'm beautiful, attractive, sexy....but he seems to be the only one that thinks that way. I have another year of school left......I'm gonna graduate with my first degree at the age of 26...I've never really had a real job or anything...just one time, and it barely lasted 4 months...I was fired...and it wasn't explained why...and the job I had was as a janitor....that was the only job I was ever able to get, and I was pulled into it. Besides work study, I never filled out an application and got hired...nobody ever picks me...even my work study job, I was pulled in, both times.........I'm never picked. My old college (Sc State) didn't help me get back in, I actually tried to get back into The Art Institute, after getting scared that I wouldn't be able to get back into school...and they ignored me. I had a dream, a vision (it seemed like) of me on SC State drumline again, marching with my friends, but it was a lie. Mr. Ellis didn't even give me a chance to audition for a scholarship...I needed less than $8,000, and I would have been back at SC State...but no body really did all that much to help me...jobs never pick me. Even my ex wanted to see other people. Even when that wasn't going well, but we were still messing around and doing things lovers do, he still didn't take me back. He was always talking to someone else, and never talked to me. He never gave me another chance. I visited him and his family for 4 years...2 were after we broke up......and he still never picked me. Even when he was just talking to Kierra, and it was serious (I didn't know at the time), he still never picked me. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy too? Why is life always so unfair to me? Am I ugly or something? Even my best friend didn't want me in her life anymore. All of my friends have gone. Everybody I loved...everything I loved...everything I wanted has gone from me......this is not how I expected my life to be at all. I expected so much more than this! I guess that's what I get for letting my hopes get all high and shit, LOL! Dreams, love, hope, and all that other shit is all overrated bull crap. It hurts every time. It fails every time. There is no magic in this world. Only people. People with their own wills. People that can decide what they want and don't want. People that can change their minds. People that only think about themselves over others. People are shit. This world is shit. Life is shit. And expecting anything from anyone, anything, or whatever will give you nothing but SHIT.
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