Venting

Where to start? I have so many emotions going on, I don't even know which one I feel the most. I feel like a smashed box of crackers. Maybe there's a few intact, but for the most part, I'm in pieces. Maybe I can work through this jumbled mess....

I should feel blessed and surrounded by love of family. Saturday, we held Thanksgiving with the whole family minus my 2nd oldest brother and his wife. I was very anxious before hand. I've been feeling so fragile for the last week especially, so I was worried that I was going to fall apart in front of everyone. I kept myself together - I almost lost it at one point, but calmed myself down before anyone noticed.

I got to see my nephews for the first time in 13 months! I've missed them so incredibly much. My older sister, brother in law and 2 nephews live states away, so we don't get to see each other much. Twice a year, and maybe more if we're lucky. But my sister got a new job at the end of last year (or beginning of this year?!) and with Covid, she wasn't able to get to visit. Nor could we schedule anytime off to see them.

Thanksgiving was just a good time for my soul. My younger brother, his wife and my baby niece came to visit and it's just so good seeing them. Having my nephews and niece together was just too much fun.

Well, work has been a nightmare lately. I've been stuck in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" atmosphere and I just feel like I'm either running around having no clue what I'm doing, or I'm stuck in a box that I can't get out of.

Part of any reason for anxiety or stress on my part is that I've been kept away from working on my tasks for the last few weeks. I get tiny bits of time to do things, but it's not enough to work through even one task correctly. I feel like I'm failing everyone horribly.

I think that's what everything boils down to. I feel like I'm failing literally everyone. My supervisors, my family, my friends. I'm feeling extremely guilty right now since my younger nephew is visiting and he wants to play and I'm in my room, crying because I'm such a mess.

Going to breathe, calm my heart down, and go enjoy my family.