Vent.

I really feel pushed to the limit now. Everytime I can sense stress coming on, I just literally feel myself shut down. It can happen if more than one person is talking to me (very common as my son interrupts A LOT) or when my partner wants the last say in an argument. I just break down and I just cry, I can't help it and don't know what to do. I can't say anything during these mini breakdowns and thoughts of suicide and self harm just come flooding in. Then afterwards I can't recover.

Things have been back to back recently, especially with work. My partner got sacked from the same employer I work for when I was on maternity leave. I forwarded him a staff communication and was like "oh look at this", the next thing i know he's posted it all over twitter with some deogatory comments. Guess who gets the blame for forwarding it?? Even he says its my fault. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my job. 

So what else has happened? My dad's had his leg amputated and is due to have the other one done (he's in hospital as we speak) I'm being accused of not bothering with my daughter by my partner (I'll refer to him as "C") as I'm too busy trying to prevent the autistic child from hurting her which sometimes doesn't always work. My son needs attention virtually every minute of the day, and it's hard to give him that. C shouts a lot, pushing my anxiety through the roof. I'm back on proponolol to help my heart rate but it doesn't always work. 

Pointless blog I suppose. I have thought about suicide a lot this week but can't tell anybody. If I tell my mom or C I tend to get an eyeroll and a "here we go again" then get belittled for it. My mom will always tell me to stop being pathetic. If I have a panic attack infront of either of them I just get shouted at again, telling me to shut up. I can't win. Living with someone you hate is heartbreaking, I don't know what I've ever done to anyone to be hated so much. I hate every minute I'm here as it's just so stressful and full of worry. I don't get any joy out of anything I do anymore and everything is such a big deal, like even getting dressed. I'm forcing myself out more and more nowadays as I feel so claustraphobic in the house. I've started to pull my hair out too out of stress.

Is it just easier if I do it? who knows. Last time I went to the hospital with my daughter in her pram I begged reception to help me. The doctor I saw told me how lucky I was to have my daughter and that I needed to calm myself down. Pointless. It took so much to get myself to the hospital and it just goes to show, I have legit nobody who cares - not even a professional who is paid to care will care. So what is the point?