value your actions, rumination as avoidance?
last night when I went to bed I really realized
something my therapist was talking about when she said "You try and measure up"
Indeed I think I've realized that's how I think....a lot....
I tend to think in terms of the ideals - and then feel dejected
or feel competitive to try and be that - or achieve that -
Right now I am writing because I am feeling extremely aggressive
and it's unnerving -
I worked hard today and then came home and have been taking care of the day
but at a certain point my laid back feeling of possibility turned into (like I was suddenly a different person) a high octane pressured kind of black minded aggression - so that's what I am managing right now
by writing this. It might sound kind of spooky I just need to find something with which to engage
my 'go go' energy...
As I talked about in another journal recently, I don't always know what the feelings are -
or the inspiration for the feelings are and checking in here - to check in with
reality - is really important.
I think if we don't 'get the lead out' and go for our goals - that 'go go energy' can turn into a rumination - it just seems to me that 'that' may be a part of the issue...
Tomorrow I'm definitely going to St. Jude's Church and then also the Old Agoura Park.
Sending prayers, good vibes, good mojo!
Mark
Replies
Mark, is the aggression simply anger? Anger is full of so much - so many layers. Competition: I see this crazy tendency play out in every work environment ive been in. Men and women. If you are trying to “measure up” - why? Is it perfectionism? (i struggle with this tremendously)
And sometimes I think anger can creep up in mysterious ways like through processing grief…..
Anyway, you are channeling it and processing it…. Not easy. Go you!!!!!! Acknowledging and working through it in therapy. I know I sometimes like dancing to industrial music (haha) to channel stuff, especially when I feel like a machine and like the weight of the world lies on my shoulders. Or when I feel like things maybe are out of my control? But we have the power to make changes in our own lives - takes some grit and resilience and determination. Stay tuned for my next Ted talk hahaha.
Have a good night. Make some tea. Take a hot shower. Spend time in nature tomorrow. Peace and hugs!
Thanks Nikki!!
Over the living course of accepting and balancing my own questioning nature, my strictly personal focus has fallen on managing my expectations. I keep expecting the world to act according to my superior logic and conclusions. Ha! ! ! Fat chance! ! ! I can't even get myself to act accordingly, far less the strangers I am logicating from across a parking lot.
Then we get to the emotions which so stubbornly refuse to adhere to purely intellectual logic. . .
Channeling time. . . The heart goes where it goes.
thanks arfie!
Big hug sweetie.... Would something like a punching bag to help let that aggression loose help do you think sweetie or even hitting a pillow?....
I know that I keep going back to a prn med for the rough times but I don't think you want to do that.... I hope that you'll feel some peace today.... xo