Value, protection

I was thinking about this morning 

about how I fear the commitment to the monastic life because of in part the weird leadership on the male side of the monastics. Also for the details which I'm still learning with a variable talent but I know I can do it. This equivocation also has me questioning my own strength and integrity for actually stepping up and holding down the job and not shrink from the responsibility. I tell myself'why can't I be that kind of person?' To which I'm also saying to myself'Mark, you have a major mental illness.' I'm thinking about the individual nature of my path, how I would make it my own, much like each of us, in monasticism and regular life in which ever position held in society top to bottom. We're all making it our own and not perfect no matter what we doing. We're having to negotiate those mistakes and that humanity. I've brought up the whole idea that I have essential value as well that with faith in leadership that is much stronger and much more talented and intelligent that I will look to that leadership for guidance and protection but also will know that my end of the bargain is for me to take care of myself. Save money and take care of my life. This all may seem like crazy capitulation to the powers that be, but I'm sincerely trying to assess how do I feel ok with myself for measuring up when in fact we're each measuring up in some way.