Valentine\'s Day
Sat., 2-14-09: Uneventful Valentine's Day, here. Of course, it never is too exciting. I have been in a bit of a funk all week, though. I always have given the "boys" a small box of chocolates. This week, I only purchased one. Chris is trying to lose a bit of weight so he did not want any & Scott, of course, is not here. Adam is the only one I bought for. It just made me sad to only buy one box. And, there was the party at the school for our class. I was always a room mother. I loved doing the parties. Helping with this one, though was hard. It brought back memories of when my kids were young. It was so much fun. I guess I am just kind of lonely, all the way around, for the way things used to be. I am missing Scott more and more. It is different now, though. It is a deep, deep pain. Not like the beginning when it was all on the surface. I just don't know how I will do this forever. I have lost so much joy. And, as I said in a previous journal, my mom told me I am existing, not living. She is so right. I tried to start living a bit.....whatever that is. Problem is, I just don't care. Oh, I am still working on my book, my first meeting with the Writer's Guild is Feb. 27, I go to work, etc. But, none of it really seems to matter. I just feel like it is going through the motions, to pass the time, until it is my time to leave this earth. Since Scott died my ideas of death and of living have changed so much! I know it sounds like depression. Some of it is, I am sure. On the other hand.... But, a book I recently read said this particular phase of grief can be mistaken for depression. Who knows?!? In any case I am tired of it all! On the up side, I am finally feeling a bit better in the health department! I have been sick since October. Being sick has also added a few, okay make that many, pounds! I have just layed around for so many months except when I have been at work. I have got to do something about it! I REALLY hate exercise! However, I think it is going to be the only way to lose some of this fat! I have lost a lot of muscle tone! YUCK! To those of you who read my journals, and even those who don't, I want everyone to know how much I appreciate you. I also want you to know I read many of your journals, although I don't always comment. I have not been so good about giving "hugs". But, even when I am not sending "hugs", I am often thinking of you. And, I even read the hug messages other people send just so I know what is going on. I have no real excuse except that maybe it is just another part of where I am, on my journey, right now. Wishing everyone peaceful wishes!
Replies
I feel your words when you write about knowing how to do this forever. I often wonder the same thing. I know I can do what I\'m doing because I do it each day, but what is it really? I think I live and not simply exist but it does seem like many days I\'m always reviewing this healing process over and over in my mind and it\'s gets overwhelming and tiring. I\'m sure I\'m not making sense but none of this makes sense somedays. I\'m glad you\'re feeling better. Hope you have the rest of a good weekend. Love to you friend. Robin
I know what it is to just pass time waiting to go. hugs.
I still like I am going through the motions everyday. I feel your pain & also need to get up and move around and get rid of some of this extra fat. So glad you are feeling better and hope you have a great day...Hugs, Connie
walking beside you....i sure do understand!!...luv ya
You feel the same way I do.Nothing seems to matter I miss Justin so much I\'m here just waiting to go see him I\'ll be the one who lives to be 80.Ha
you are on the same journey I\'m on I have my other children and a husband that need me.I don\'t know for what I\'m a zombie half the time.Glad your feeling better I been sick with 2 colds back to back just now getting my strength back.I\'m sorry your in a funk again I always am and I\'m sick of it.When will it stop?You take care and have a good Sunday.Peaceful wishes,VIcki
I do feel like I am living...but the sorrow that I carry with me is sometimes overwhelming. Knowing that we have to carry this forever is so hard. I just hope that it will bet easier over time. I have been sick this year too...stress? Worry? Loss? Who knows...love to you...Karen
I know, Hon, I do it, too! I think many of us are in the same boat, going through the motions for the other people in our lives. I know that sometimes it is a real physical pain deep down inside. and now, just losing my sister, also, I just feel so empty and alone. So, what I\'m saying, is,...that I understand. I force myself to continue to reach out to others because when I make others feel better, it is helping me to make it through. Love you, Judy
You are so right when you said \"I don\'t know if I can do this forever\". I feel like that too. But, just try to remember the others that love you and need you. Hang in there..we are all here beside you. Love, Kim
Before my son died, my mom and I would talk about how scary it was how fast time passes as you get older. What scared me then, I welcome now. Every day, I think to myself that this is one day less I have to live. I feel like a robot now, living only for my remaining son. Get up, go to work to groom my dogs, come home and drink enough to go to sleep. My younger son graduates film school next month and will be off in the big wide world to make movies. The only thing that kept me here in the state where I live was Michael and now he is gone. I feel so alone that at times, I just want to end it all somehow. I am just gonna hang around as long as my body will endure what I am doing to it. I want to live long enough for my younger son to know that I tried, for him.
Belinda
I know.....I think we just can\'t look ahead too far. It\'s too overwhelming to think about doing this for the long run, and living without them. Take care of yourself, try to exercise. I think exercise not only helps the body but the mind too. Take care! Love, Julia
Oh dear friend, I completely understand what you\'re saying!! Love ya, Cyn
I hear you when you say \"I can\'t do this forever\". You can\'t. We are each required to make a decision on how we will incorporate our loss into out lives. We can stop living or we can gather up the pain and the love and roll it into a new life. It\'s our choice and it\'s a tough one that we make and remake. Each day brings the choice and I know you will make the one that is right for you. Walking with you. Love and hugs Cathy
It is hard to find a way to begin living again after suffering a loss we were never meant to suffer. Those that haven\'t been here don\'t understand that. I pray they never do. People don\'t get that our lives have been turned upside down, and yes we know our children would want us happy, we know we have living children that need us, we know all these things, but what we don\'t know is HOW!! How do we pick up and go on, pick up and actually live as we did before? Nobody can tell us that. All they can tell us is that we need to do it. And I agree we do, but it\'s just not that simple. I don\'t know about you, but I will find myself living in a moment when all of the sudden I\'m hit with such guilt because here I am living, laughing, enjoying the moment when my little cant\'. I feel so much guilt, and I stop myself from living in that moment. I pray and try to find hope that over time it will change. But like you I have found time has made me feel worse rather than better. In the beginning the shock was such a comfort, the hope that it was a bad dream, a mistake, and now the more time that passes the more my heart aches. I totally get what you are saying. Walking with you, and here any time you need me. Take care. Love & hugs...Candice