Valentine\'s Day

Sat., 2-14-09:  Uneventful Valentine's Day, here.  Of course, it never is too exciting.  I have been in a bit of a funk all week, though.  I always have given the "boys" a small box of chocolates.  This week, I only purchased one.  Chris is trying to lose a bit of weight so he did not want any & Scott, of course, is not here.  Adam is the only one I bought for.  It just made me sad to only buy one box.  And, there was the party at the school for our class.  I was always a room mother.  I loved doing the parties.  Helping with this one, though was hard.  It brought back memories of when my kids were young.  It was so much fun.  I guess I am just kind of lonely, all the way around, for the way things used to be. I am missing Scott more and more.  It is different now, though.  It is a deep, deep pain.  Not like the beginning when it was all on the surface.  I just don't know how I will do this forever.  I have lost so much joy.  And, as I said in a previous journal, my mom told me I am existing, not living.  She is so right.  I tried to start living a bit.....whatever that is.  Problem is, I just don't care.  Oh, I am still working on my book, my first meeting with the Writer's Guild is Feb. 27, I go to work, etc.  But, none of it really seems to matter.  I just feel like it is going through the motions, to pass the time, until it is my time to leave this earth.   Since Scott died my ideas of death and of living have changed so much!  I know it sounds like depression.  Some of it is, I am sure.  On the other hand....   But, a book I recently read said this particular phase of grief can be mistaken for depression.  Who knows?!?  In any case I am tired of it all! On the up side, I am finally feeling a bit better in the health department!  I have been sick since October.  Being sick has also added a few, okay make that many, pounds!  I have just layed around for so many months except when I have been at work.  I have got to do something about it!  I REALLY hate exercise!  However, I think it is going to be the only way to lose some of this fat!  I have lost a lot of muscle tone!  YUCK!   To those of you who read my journals, and even those who don't, I want everyone to know how much I appreciate you.  I also want you to know I read many of your journals, although I don't always comment.  I have not been so good about giving "hugs".  But, even when I am not sending "hugs", I am often thinking of you.  And, I even read the hug messages other people send just so I know what is going on.  I have no real excuse except that maybe it is just another part of where I am, on my journey, right now. Wishing everyone peaceful wishes!