Vacation is dangerous...another day in paradise..

(funny to me at least, much more amusing, to me, than being depressed) I am on vacation.    Hadn’t been in the room 10 minutes and,  while unpacking,  dropped my new 5oz. cologne bottle on the soap dish, shattering it into splinters all over the counter and floor.  So my first  vacation action is to have to make the call to housekeeping and ask for a new soap dish.  Politely they offer someone to ‘rush right up and resolve this desperate situation’.   Really, in their voice you know they are thinking ‘Idiot Alert’.  I am sure they were typing security notes online:  FOLIO NOTE ROOM xxxx ‘ We have a live one here in room xxxx…"       Unfortunately, this isnt the first time I have done this exact same thing, that is dropping my cologne bottle in the hotel  bath.    Just two trips ago I dropped the cologne bottle on the bathroom counter, while barefoot, but that time COLOGNE bottle itself shattered all over the counter and floor.   Now, being there alone and barefoot is a real problem.  There is no way to escape.  There is a phone in the bathroom but I refuse to EVER use those on principle….because it is by the toilet and EVERYONE who answered or made a call, was indisposed.  Or they should be otherwise indisposed and should be,  because, dang it, they are on the can and I know where they hands have been!   My brother in law answered the phone from his bathroom once and I literally said, “PLEEEEEEASE don’t  tell me you had to put your donut down to answer this call!?"   Tho I digress…  Anyway,  there  I was standing in bathroom, shatter glass everywhere, and barefoot.  Although I might say,  rather fine smelling.   So in a stroke of genius I grab a towel and throw it on the floor, step on it and slowly shuffle backward out of the bathroom.  I was feeling so clever and funny by this point that I starting making a ‘beep  beep  beep’ sound like a backing truck, quite amused with it all.  This was fine until I hit the marble lip of the bathroom door threashold which drives a harpoon length shard of glass into my heel making me fall backwards into the entry way area.   NOW,  bleeding all over a 5 start hotel towel which probably costs more than my child’s first year of college tuition, I have to crawl over to the bedside end table and call the front desk anyway, now in greater despair and humiliation.    By the time housekeeping arrives I have the glass out, blood all over with no way to wash it off. But by now the cologne scent is so strong it could clearly be classified as a ‘weapon of mass destruction’.  I was awaiting the eminent invasion by the marines (under ‘W’ at least, Obama would have the forsight to have called me first and at least asked ‘What’s up? Are you a new member of the “Axis of Evil??” ’).    The maid quickly remedies my several problems and apologizes profusely like it was somehow HER fault and backs the cart out of the room.  I limp over and grab my wallet to give a huge tip,  more like ‘HUSH MONEY’   while profusely apologizing myself.    I am quite sure SHE went out and had then typed  FOLIO NOTE ROOM xxxxx: “We have a live one here…room xxxx’.  Though I digress…  Meanwhile,  back on THIS vacation trip I did not receive a replacement soap dish for 7 days, probably some sort of anti-suit tactic or mercy actiontion    FOLIO NOTE: “The less glass in this guy’s room the better.”     SO now I am just paranoid that I will do something really stupid.  I would like to have the excuse I was or am drunk but that is not so.    Maybe I SHOULD start drinking heavily so I have and excuse and the pain of the self inflicted wounds less noticed(by me at least).  F OLIO NOTE ROOM xxxx POOLSIDE ROOM CHARGES:  "Be sure guest is not carrying a shopping bag with replacement GLASS cologne bottle"  Another day in paradise….