Vacation

I am leaving on a cruise on Tuesday.  This will be my 25th cruise for my 25th anniversary.  OK, so this sounds a little whiney, but I resent another vacation of doing the same thing.  I have tried to steer these decisions towards something, anything, that I would like to do but only to be met with scorn and derision. I feel trapped by the situation.  We will do again what she wants to do.  If I get a chance to suggest something else she belittles the choice and then imagines the worst of how this vacation will fail and we will all die in some freak accident.  I am trapped by the choice and allow myself to be trapped for the sake of harmony.   We have done these cruises all before and I am tired of the old same routines and experiences.  Years ago we would venture off on a local bus or just rent a taxi.  Now everything must be scripted and arranged by the ship.  No more interesting experiences just the stay on the path behind the velvet rope.  Some of the best experiences that we have had were well beyond the velvet rope.  Renting a light plane in Puerto Rico to fly us to St Thomas and also crashing into the ocean when the motor stalled, or me flying the plane back to Puerto Rico without a pilots license.

This post is for me.  I'm not looking for advice per se but just voicing within myself what is going on and trying to find out why I am always so depressed to go on vacation.  I tried to voice this in the last session with my TDoc but I am not sure that I came up with much insight.  

Why am I bitching?  I hate doing the same thing, but I can't get off of this cruise kick.  I want to do something outdoors, and away from the beaten path.  Before when I had my running I would long to do a running vacation by myself but that is now has gone.  Maybe I am just chaffing under the yoke of age and I long for the ill-spent days of my youth.  I am 51 and I should act my age.  I have built up a well-feathered nest and I need to protect that nest from stupidity and unnecessary expenses.  Cruising is a safe and economical option.  We are one step from the owner's penthouse and that is because this is our anniversary.

I will also resent her gift.  Whenever we are on a cruise, she invariably gets some nice jewelry.  Usually about $4-$10K and for my anniversary gift, I will get to say a card or a hug.  Nothing on the scale that she receives.  For example, I use a special forces wedding band which is soft black plastic.  It protects the finger in the event the ring snags on something, reflects no light and doesn't make a sound.  She lost my original ring because it broke on the ship and needed to be repaired.  I would like to get a gold band but she keeps coming back that we need to make sure it is a cheap ring and I don't need anything too expensive.  I have used a $10 wedding ring for years and before that, it was a titanium one that cost $75.  I think I am due to something nice not fabulously expensive but something nice.

OK.  So this post is for me and I want to work through my resentment towards my wife and our vacations.  I can't believe how this depresses me.  When I am supposed to do something, I end up with the same routine again.

BTW have a cruise already picked out after this cruise.  Feb for a six days cruise.  Another cruise.