Used to love July

 I always used to love July, its the start of summer, the weather is usually nice, lots of BBQs and its my birthday. I wish I could just skip this stupid month now though. Its coming up to a year since I lost my Matt and I still miss him so much. My heart still aches for him and each day without him just seems to be worse than the last. This time last year I was so unbelievably happy and madly in love, we had the best month ever up until that awful day when he was taken from me. Now I'm just totally fed up, I feel so lost and so alone even though I have all my family and friends around me/ I've found I'm getting so much more irritable and wound up over silly things as that day gets closer. I cry over the most pathetic of things, I just feel like screaming most of the time. I'm dreading my birthday, my friends keep asking me what I want to do. I've told them I don't want to do anything, I'm not in the mood to celebrate it, they keep saying I have to do something but why do I? Last year Matt gave me the most special birthday I have ever had, I literaly spent every second of the day with him, I woke up with him, he organised such a lovely day for me and I fell asleep with him by my side, it was perfect and it was all because of him and how he planned it out. Nothing will ever come close to that day. The only thing I want for my birthday is the one thing I can't have and it really does break my heart. He should be here winding me up as I get closer to that 25 mark, I wound him up something rotten as he was approaching the quarter of a century landmark, he would not have let me get away with that, I used to wind him up saying it made me feel out that my boyfriend was halfway to 50, he would not have let me get away with that. It scares me that once this birthday is out the way that in a few months time I will soon be older than he ever was. Its not fair, why at just 25 did he have to go,it still makes no sense. I know everyone says time makes it easier but when? I still miss him so much, I still end up crying almost every day, I really do feel like my heart has been broken in two and he took one side with him. Its so so hard loving someone so much but not being able to have them in your life. I wish I had a time machine because I would go back to last July before that horrible day and never ever leave.